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Chronic loneliness and intense friendships.

DarkElf

Does anyone else always feel profoundly lonely even though they have a few friends? And, do you find they morph into intense friendships? I do and I'm starting to question if I'll ever connect with anyone again. 

I've tried making new friends offline and online and both haven't really worked. I know I can be socially awkward but I'd like to think I hold a variety of interests and at least have some charisma. It gets disheartening joining loads of different forums and services and writing out my life story to never really connect. I've also done shorter introductions and have found that's not really worked either. 

I feel I can make acquaintances but they never ever progress further. I wrote this in my diary today. "If I could describe every facet of my life, this is the analogy I'd use. I'm a footballer, I'm a striker, and every game, I pick up the pass or cross to me perfectly, I use my pace to beat the man marking me, after that, I get into the box and I'm one on one with the goalkeeper.... and every time, I sky it, every *expletive* time it goes high or wide. I can look good in training, I can look good for the first 30 minutes of a match, but it always falls apart, it always falls apart."

I think these feelings come from my teen years when I got into an LDR with a girl my age online. I honestly thought until that point love wasn't real, I really do understand that sounds hyperbole, but the feelings of mutual laughter, the excitement of flirting, enjoying mutual activities etc. I had a childhood where my parents had a weekly screaming match and never had any really close friends.

Also tried therapy, tried anti depressants, nothing works. I really, really wish I could have a content life on my own with no need for human contact, and I really do envy those that can. A dichotomy I know. 

Parents

  • im beging to believe in eugenics/ genetic predetermines, the isn't anything inherently wrong with us we can have conversation with people be funny be charming but as soon as you show a sign of autism, the idea role someone pre selected for you has been though out to be a lie, even though they told themselves who you are, and nothing more can come from the interaction, you cant be friends you cant be a partner, but the is nothing actually wrong with you its just your metaphorical "face" doesn't fit here.

    for guys the is a hierarchy, its looks, hight and social skills(autism), the better you are the higher you are on the social scale the better your life is, not because of the content of your soul/ character , society doesnt care about those nor good or kindness, as long as you fit the desired traits things that wouldn't be sound for you or I become fine or cool and acceptable but if you dont have the desired traits the same actions done by you or me are seen as weird , strange or uncool, its a double stranded created by the natural selection genes found in our dna 

    the solution I dont know, maybe the is no place for us in society, as society doesnt accept those it doesnt value, you can be tolerated but you cant be more than that just permanently in acquaintance mode for everyone and every thing.

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  • im beging to believe in eugenics/ genetic predetermines, the isn't anything inherently wrong with us we can have conversation with people be funny be charming but as soon as you show a sign of autism, the idea role someone pre selected for you has been though out to be a lie, even though they told themselves who you are, and nothing more can come from the interaction, you cant be friends you cant be a partner, but the is nothing actually wrong with you its just your metaphorical "face" doesn't fit here.

    for guys the is a hierarchy, its looks, hight and social skills(autism), the better you are the higher you are on the social scale the better your life is, not because of the content of your soul/ character , society doesnt care about those nor good or kindness, as long as you fit the desired traits things that wouldn't be sound for you or I become fine or cool and acceptable but if you dont have the desired traits the same actions done by you or me are seen as weird , strange or uncool, its a double stranded created by the natural selection genes found in our dna 

    the solution I dont know, maybe the is no place for us in society, as society doesnt accept those it doesnt value, you can be tolerated but you cant be more than that just permanently in acquaintance mode for everyone and every thing.

Children
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