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Chronic loneliness and intense friendships.

DarkElf

Does anyone else always feel profoundly lonely even though they have a few friends? And, do you find they morph into intense friendships? I do and I'm starting to question if I'll ever connect with anyone again. 

I've tried making new friends offline and online and both haven't really worked. I know I can be socially awkward but I'd like to think I hold a variety of interests and at least have some charisma. It gets disheartening joining loads of different forums and services and writing out my life story to never really connect. I've also done shorter introductions and have found that's not really worked either. 

I feel I can make acquaintances but they never ever progress further. I wrote this in my diary today. "If I could describe every facet of my life, this is the analogy I'd use. I'm a footballer, I'm a striker, and every game, I pick up the pass or cross to me perfectly, I use my pace to beat the man marking me, after that, I get into the box and I'm one on one with the goalkeeper.... and every time, I sky it, every *expletive* time it goes high or wide. I can look good in training, I can look good for the first 30 minutes of a match, but it always falls apart, it always falls apart."

I think these feelings come from my teen years when I got into an LDR with a girl my age online. I honestly thought until that point love wasn't real, I really do understand that sounds hyperbole, but the feelings of mutual laughter, the excitement of flirting, enjoying mutual activities etc. I had a childhood where my parents had a weekly screaming match and never had any really close friends.

Also tried therapy, tried anti depressants, nothing works. I really, really wish I could have a content life on my own with no need for human contact, and I really do envy those that can. A dichotomy I know. 

  • in reply to citroen71

    Wow I wish I had friends or wasn't estranged from my family. All I have is a dog apart from that I'm totally on my own. Life been rubbish and still is. Took 60yrs for me to self diagnose after losing all relationships. I should have listened to all those that suggested it throughout my life but came from a dysfunctional family was dragged into society. 

  • Yes, and it probably feels like you're the only one, except you're not, (but that doesn't really help either, when you're in the moment).

    Self-criticism is doubly harsh, because there's no-one to contradict it.

    Your description, looking in, from the outside, reads like this:

    You have lots of successes, until the last event, which (you consider to be) is the most important, possibly because it didn't work.

    That's lots of successes. We do tend to punish ourselves, and find it easy to ignore all the good times, whilst magnifying the bad times.

    I hope the above helps

  • Yeah I really get this, the loneliness can get overwhelming sometimes and I think with autism, it can be hard to keep up with friendships too due to the burnout even though you want to have connections with people. 

  • yeah man I do get the good on paper but bad when 1-1 with a actually person, when you have to be a fun hang, lots of my interactions just dont feel that deep, and I just down like those types of interaction.

  • Yes, I can relate to this.  I too wish I could be content on my own but I crave connection. It seems to result in intense connections or at least me wanting intense connections and I seem constantly disappointed that I don't have more really good friends (fortunate to have a couple of really good friends at least) or that people can't give more or be consistent.  It's a real problem for me, I also have CPTSD from childhood stuff so this is not going to be helping.

  • Yes I can massively relate to this

    the influence of the parents is monumental