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Living an authentic life. Who must bear the cost?

forget_me_not48

I have run out of steam, kaput, exhausted, and depleted of having to confirm to neurotypical ways of being. Approaching my 50’s, I would like to live a life of solitude with my partner and dog. 

However, the pressure to attend constant gatherings is not sustainable. It’s the time of year also where I start dreading Christmas. Feel sick and anxious just thinking about it. Had enough of the constant background pressure I can’t take anymore.

My problem and I don’t say it lightly…my problem is my family and partners family. Lots of people with lots of birthday and events that I must attend otherwise people will be hurt and confused.

But I don’t want to. ever again. 

Its that simple. 

Unless of course they would all like to do things I enjoy, for example sitting in silence, discussing characters and scenes out of favorite books. We don’t hug each other or make eye contact or talk about the weather or the soaps on TV. But of course they won’t do that. 

So who must pay the cost? Me? Do I continue having to pay the cost for the rest of my days by complying with their needs that I must socialise and do normal things? I work full time in a stressful job so 100% plus more of my energy goes into that, I’ve nothing left evenings and weekends.

So who must pay the cost and which is harder? Their hurt feelings and my partners hurt feelings becuase I can’t tolerate group settings for any length of time, or the cost to me of conforming?

I believe that if neurotypical people had to spend even an hour in our shoes they wouldn’t last a minute, has anyone ever pondered this before?

Is anyone else in this situation or does anyone understand me? Disappointed

Thanks for reading, feeling so misunderstood at the minute can you relate?

Parents

  • What you are describing here is very much like my ex husbands family.  He had a constant need to be out, drinking, socialising, partying, or just sitting in the pub talking.  His family were like that too, there was always something that we needed to attend and it was exhausting.  It all felt fake.  The hugging, the kissing, the small talk,  the showing off , the pretence.

    He was also an extremely violent man with narcissistic traits and the abuse was why I left.  But I have always felt that the relationship would have ended anyway, it would have just taken longer had I not needed to gather my kids and run.

    I am certain that I would have eventually needed to escape the circus.  The constant demand that I live in a world where I am not comfortable, around people that I had no interest in, and very little respect for, would have worn me down eventually. 

    Your partner is who they are, you are who you are. I remember someone asking me if I wanted to wake up ten years from now and still be dealing with things as they are - and the answer was a resounding no. 

    I was in my early thirties and undiagnosed at the time. Looking back and realising that I was Autistic makes me even more certain that I would have left him, his behaviour just pushed me to do it sooner.

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  • What you are describing here is very much like my ex husbands family.  He had a constant need to be out, drinking, socialising, partying, or just sitting in the pub talking.  His family were like that too, there was always something that we needed to attend and it was exhausting.  It all felt fake.  The hugging, the kissing, the small talk,  the showing off , the pretence.

    He was also an extremely violent man with narcissistic traits and the abuse was why I left.  But I have always felt that the relationship would have ended anyway, it would have just taken longer had I not needed to gather my kids and run.

    I am certain that I would have eventually needed to escape the circus.  The constant demand that I live in a world where I am not comfortable, around people that I had no interest in, and very little respect for, would have worn me down eventually. 

    Your partner is who they are, you are who you are. I remember someone asking me if I wanted to wake up ten years from now and still be dealing with things as they are - and the answer was a resounding no. 

    I was in my early thirties and undiagnosed at the time. Looking back and realising that I was Autistic makes me even more certain that I would have left him, his behaviour just pushed me to do it sooner.

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