When it dawned on me, a few years ago, that I might be ND, I voiced my thoughts to a friend. She was was studying educationa psychology and had a low-masking ex and son. She told me I couldn't be autistic because I wrote novels that deomonstrated understanding of people and that I couldn't be ADHD because I'd taken aphetamines in my youth and been affected by them. As I put a lot of trust in the few close friends I have, I stopped thinking about it. However, lately I've been unable to ignore it and mentioned to my closest friend about ADHD. Now, she's probably ND herself and her husband has strong autistic traits... but the last thing I expected was for her to suggest I look at autism first.
Now, once I'd researched, I agreed with her. I've done the AQ50 and a couple of other tests and couldn't believe my score. I told myself I'd cheated - it's easy to do, having studied theoretical and applied psychology and taken a number of tests over the years. I tried to be honest and, to tell the truth, more and more of my past was surfacing into a new light. All the reasons for doing things in a certain way - the strict use of towels and bedding in a certain order, as a tiny example - were looking increasingly like excuses disguising a more primitive need. The problem was - I'm in a health authority (in Scotland) which has closed the door on most autism assessments and won't assess for ADHD. And besides, I'm 72, female and high masking, coping highly successfully until a major burn out after retirement swept my feet from under me for 6 years. I hav no family alive who knew me as a child, and those childhood friends are long gone from my life.
I have picked someone for a private assessment, but I'm stuck on the threshold of making an appointment for that intial, exploratory telephone call. I'm telling myself that I haven't researched enough, or there's too much material and I won't remember it, or that I'm a fraud/ too marginal to bother - or any reason. I think I need to do this in order to get over the imposter feeling, but taking that first step rouses all my anxiety. What should I do before booking anything? What have I overlooked?
