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“You gotta work hard and just push through”

aurelis

Something along these lines. So when like today, I’ve woken up and not done nothing but be in bed until mid afternoon, I feel guilty. I’m not at work being active and being productive. And I don’t know how to separate working hard with how I beat myself up. 

I’m able to notice more things that I know will make me shut down and struggle and more able to realise that I can’t push through as vigorously as I want to the following day. But I feel this strong sense of guilt when I always get distracted, or crash into anxieties and depressions, that I’m not doing enough, and that I need to work harder to have a place in this world. 

I compare myself to others and previous generations who had no choice but to tough things out, and use that as my parameter. And not ever being able to compete at that level just fills me with a sense of failure.

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  • I have ‘pushed through’ for many years and I pushed very hard the past 6 years, despite very bad physical health and chronic exhaustion and burnout. If pushing through was the answer I should be healed by now but I’ve just grown increasingly weak and worn out and even though I am now in an environment where I could have potentially flourished if I had been halfway ok, I have reached a point where I just can’t seem to do it anymore. My physical health is so bad (i have digestive issues and tend to loose weight) and I just don’t have the energy or motivation anymore to keep going. I think I also realised the pushing through approach probably doesn’t work … at least not in the long term. I think pushing through can be useful at times for example if you are very near the end of a degree or something but it’s so important to then find the time to recover. But in our world that just seems almost impossible to achieve. I’m only talking from personal experience and maybe pushing through works for some people. It’s probably a matter of for how long and whether you can then take the time to recover afterwards. It did get me my Bachelor, MPhil, jobs and PhD positions. I was unlucky and had to leave my previous PhD as the lab closed but now that I am in a better place for the PhD and have a supportive supervisor, I have reached the end of my strength and can’t find it in myself to keep pushing. Not sure if you can relate to any of this. 

  • in reply to Ann :)

    I can relate to this, thank you for sharing. I don’t have anything to reach, my pushing through is usually arbitrary goals, so they don’t really have any grounding. So it’s like reaching and reaching for something I can’t quite grasp. And the outcome really is perfection, which obviously isn’t possible.

    The strange thing though is when I’m not pushing, I feel like I’m drifting, and the scariest thing is to feel like I’m drifting, not entirely sure what my purpose is. Pushing and pushing makes me feel like I’m doing something for a purpose, and I want to feel as if that’s what I’m doing. Is that so I can show others that I’m doing things for a purpose? I’m not sure

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  • in reply to Ann :)

    I can relate to this, thank you for sharing. I don’t have anything to reach, my pushing through is usually arbitrary goals, so they don’t really have any grounding. So it’s like reaching and reaching for something I can’t quite grasp. And the outcome really is perfection, which obviously isn’t possible.

    The strange thing though is when I’m not pushing, I feel like I’m drifting, and the scariest thing is to feel like I’m drifting, not entirely sure what my purpose is. Pushing and pushing makes me feel like I’m doing something for a purpose, and I want to feel as if that’s what I’m doing. Is that so I can show others that I’m doing things for a purpose? I’m not sure

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