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10 years in a public sector job and I'm being penalised year after year

Pickle

Hey, I'm new here folks.

I was diagnosed with ASD when I was 38.  I've completed 2 honours degrees at university (Product Design Engineering and Mathematics and Statistics) not to try get a job, but because I love these subjects.

The company I work in I've started from the bottom as an advisor, then developing team leader, then practitioner specialist in government legislation (I can't say what the specific legislation is as I have to remain anonymous), and then finally I moved to front line IT support.  

Now the IT support, I absolutely LOVED, like the saying "If you enjoy your job, you'll never work a day in your life" kept going through my head.  But in early 2024 the manager created a quality checking process.  However, none of us were taught in a uniform fashion.  So although the outcome to the end user was the same, I kept getting 0% (rather than showing me how she wants it done and then if I do it again I get 0%) for not following a processes I wasn't trained in.

There's many examples of bullying, being picked on and my manager and her colleague in the team simply not understanding that I think differently, so I may have to ask odd questions.  

Since the age of 5 my Mum has said I've always talked about not wanting to be here.  This has never gone away, I don't want to live constantly depressed and belittled, I gave myself up to a certain age and if I had not achieved something in life I knew where, when and how I would do it (it made me feel better as i knew it didn't matter how bad life gets, it'll be over then).  But just before that specific birthday, my son was born and he means so much to me

I've been made to feel like and idiot and for the first time in 10 years in this new job my manager hasn't given me my bonus like the rest of the team.  The only thing keeping me here is my son.  

I took long term sick and stayed in bed for 3 weeks, eventually my parents talked me into going to a s*****e prevention psychiatrist who I will see every week.  She signposted me to this site.  It's making my parents unwell also.

I've never been around others like me, and I'm just wondering how you cope with it?  Or am I best trying to find a new employer and not tell them about the ASD, as I feel as soon as you say it they have a spotlight on you watching you like a hawk.

I can't find happiness, or enjoyment in anything, only when my son comes to visit (he's 8, and lives with his Mum, again she got annoyed with my ASD), and I try my best to be fun and happy, but underneath I'm struggling, and I few times I've broke down crying and my son is rubbing my shoulder saying "It's ok Dad, let it all out", an 8 year old child shouldn't have to see that.  This has all been since my manager doesn't seem to understand that people with ASD will ask questions, she said it takes up too much of her time (I counted between 30 to 35 questions over 3 months).

Has anyone else felt/been in this situation?  And have you got any tips on how to overcome the way I'm feeling to feel happy again?  I've always been a fitness person (MMA/boxing/Muay Thai) but moved in with my parents to save for a mortgage, and there are no fighting gyms near here.

Thanks 

Parents

  • I don't really know about the job part, although it seems like blatant discrimination, I think there is some really good advice on how to procede below. 

    I just wanted to say you are doing an amazing job as a father just by being there -caring about them is such a huge deal. And yeah like glint said below, it's okay to show emotions in front of him, it actually models that it's okay to cry when upset and that it's just part of life and is really healthy. 

    Being happy after such a low is very hard, it takes time and baby steps and some people just always seem to have sadness gently there in the background. But you can focus on the small things, plan things to do with your son, they don't need to be big or cost money, just trips to the park, playing hide and seek, drawing together, even if you aren't great at it, kids still love the connection and hanging out together, even if it's quietly sitting side by side. Make forts in the living room if your parents don't mind.

    And do things for you too, like little walks out in nature, finding exercise you can do local to you if you can't keep up the fighting based gym stuff (even if it's routines in the living room following along with videos). It can be hard filling time, but keeping yourself busy, either getting justice for yourself fighting the discrimination you are facing, or working on it or just doing small things to help work on your mental happiness levels. It's okay not to anyways feel it. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep going, that is a quiet sort of bravery too.

    Best wishes with it all!

Reply

  • I don't really know about the job part, although it seems like blatant discrimination, I think there is some really good advice on how to procede below. 

    I just wanted to say you are doing an amazing job as a father just by being there -caring about them is such a huge deal. And yeah like glint said below, it's okay to show emotions in front of him, it actually models that it's okay to cry when upset and that it's just part of life and is really healthy. 

    Being happy after such a low is very hard, it takes time and baby steps and some people just always seem to have sadness gently there in the background. But you can focus on the small things, plan things to do with your son, they don't need to be big or cost money, just trips to the park, playing hide and seek, drawing together, even if you aren't great at it, kids still love the connection and hanging out together, even if it's quietly sitting side by side. Make forts in the living room if your parents don't mind.

    And do things for you too, like little walks out in nature, finding exercise you can do local to you if you can't keep up the fighting based gym stuff (even if it's routines in the living room following along with videos). It can be hard filling time, but keeping yourself busy, either getting justice for yourself fighting the discrimination you are facing, or working on it or just doing small things to help work on your mental happiness levels. It's okay not to anyways feel it. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and keep going, that is a quiet sort of bravery too.

    Best wishes with it all!

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