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Tips for unmasking/finding the "real" me after diagnosis at 52

Belnarlo

I got diagnosed 2 months ago at 52. I have read "Unmasking Autism" and got myself the "Unmasking Autism Workbook for Autistic Adults". I had to throw the workbook away as it was maming me stressed and depressed. All the exercises assume some knowledge of what child hood was like and how events in my childhood led me to mask. As that was 40-50 years ago, I really have no clue what drove my masking and I struggle to even know what parts of "me" are masking and what might be unmasked me.

While I have been able to let some of "me" surface while walking the dog all alone with no-one watching, does anyone have any tips how to figure out where I might be masking after all these years?

Parents

  • If the 'masking' is not making you distressed and the pressure to 'unmask' is. I think that there is a clue there. 'Masking' is only a problem if it is causing distress, otherwise it is just a collection of learned strategies and coping mechanisms you have amassed to make life easier in society, which obviously is geared to the 'majority neurotype'. 

    I was baffled by how to go about 'unmasking', then noticed that my 'masking. worked well, and was useful. Except for occasional exhaustion caused by overdoing socialising, the learned strategies that make up my 'masking' have had no deleterious effect on me, so I gave up on 'unmasking' as a bad job and something that was of no use to me.

  • in reply to Martin

    Thanx for this "alternative" view. Since the post I did find some articles that suggested instead of focusing on finding how I was masking, it might be helpful to focus on identifying what drains and fills my energy instead. That resonated more (after the fact) than identifying why I started masking, it never occurec to me that pushing to unmask was an energy drain!

    While I'll follow the threads to find energy drains, I'll add chasing unmasking as one of the drains for sure. it's nice to hear masking isn't necesarrily the "evil" some literature had been telling me Slight smile 

  • in reply to Belnarlo

    Personally, I believe that I am the real me whether or not I am trying to fit in with societal expectations. I am the real me just relaxing at home, I am still the real me when I am using my hard-earned social skills in order to function in a social setting. It is the real me, but either with or without a level of effort.

  • in reply to Martin

    I agree with this perspective, and it is the one I am trying to adopt since diagnosis 4 years ago.

    I am more relaxed at home in my own environment, but fortunately can socialise if necessary and put in the required effort. Many years of learning those social skills through trial and tribulation, but still make errors of judgement. I try not to beat myself up now about errors.

    I ensure I give myself adequate recovery time after socialising, as it does require extra effort, which gets very tiring. I'm also kinder to myself when I consider whether or not to attend a social occasion. I rarely go to things now out of a sense of duty - I go because I want to - I leave when I need to.

    Fortunately, I have a very understanding wife who is fine with me needing to remove myself, or not attend things. My close friends likewise.

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  • in reply to Martin

    I agree with this perspective, and it is the one I am trying to adopt since diagnosis 4 years ago.

    I am more relaxed at home in my own environment, but fortunately can socialise if necessary and put in the required effort. Many years of learning those social skills through trial and tribulation, but still make errors of judgement. I try not to beat myself up now about errors.

    I ensure I give myself adequate recovery time after socialising, as it does require extra effort, which gets very tiring. I'm also kinder to myself when I consider whether or not to attend a social occasion. I rarely go to things now out of a sense of duty - I go because I want to - I leave when I need to.

    Fortunately, I have a very understanding wife who is fine with me needing to remove myself, or not attend things. My close friends likewise.

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