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AUDHD Parent looking for advice / support

Katieboch

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some advice and support from people who understand autism/AuDHD, masking, demand sensitivity, emotional regulation and family burnout.

My daughter is 11 and autistic/ADHD. She is bright, funny, thoughtful and has so many lovely qualities, but we are currently at a real crisis point at home and I’m struggling to know what the right support should look like.

She masks a lot outside the home and can appear much more capable, settled or compliant than she actually feels inside. At home, where she feels safest, we often see the full impact of the overwhelm: intense dysregulation, anger, shouting, refusal, stalling, emotional shutdowns/meltdowns, and very difficult interactions where she says she “doesn’t understand” what has happened, why something has hurt someone, or what repair/accountability means.

I want to be very clear that I do not see my daughter as naughty, bad or intentionally cruel. I believe a lot of this is coming from unmet needs, anxiety, sensory overload, transition difficulty, demand sensitivity, possible shame, and not having the language or nervous system capacity to explain what is going on for her.

At the same time, the impact at home is becoming extremely hard. I am a single parent, I am also neurodivergent/possibly AuDHD myself, and I am reaching burnout/crisis level. Her younger brother is also affected by the daily stress, conflict and unpredictability. Mornings, transitions, boundaries, school avoidance/stalling, and any conversation about behaviour or consequences can escalate very quickly.

I’m trying so hard to hold compassion and understanding, but I also need to help my daughter learn safety, repair, accountability and how her words/actions affect others — in a way that is accessible for an autistic child and does not shame her.

I would really appreciate advice on:

• How to support an autistic/AuDHD child who genuinely says they do not understand impact, repair or accountability
• How to talk about consequences without triggering shame or meltdown
• How to reduce daily escalation around transitions, demands and boundaries
• What professional support would actually help with this level of family distress
• Whether CAMHS, educational psychology, autism support services, OT, family therapy or parent coaching would be the most appropriate route
• Any scripts, visuals, social stories or approaches that have helped children who mask at school and then fall apart at home

I’m not looking to blame my daughter. I love her deeply and I can see she is struggling too. But we cannot keep living at this level of distress, and I need help understanding what support to ask for and how to keep both children emotionally safe while we work through it.

Thank you for reading. Any advice from autistic adults, AuDHD parents, professionals, or parents who have lived through something similar would be really appreciated.

I am especially interested in practical strategies for crisis-level home dysregulation, because this is now affecting the whole family’s well being and I need to know what help to push for.

Parents

  • Hi there, I've just read your post and it sounds very similar to what we are experiencing. My daughter is 10 and has been struggling with her mental health following a bereavement of her Grampy. In school the teacher has noticed a few ticks and triggers and suggested an Autism referral. Over the last 5 years we have noticed things and now she's getting older it's more apparent that she is neurodivergent. We have asked her GP to send a referral to the right to choose provider and now waiting, we've informed CAMHS as we need some support with her emotions right now and we've emailed her school to request a meeting with the SENCO in SEPTEMBER. Not sure what to do next, she's a model student, but home life is up and down, she can't make friends easily or keep friends they think she's weird or crazy or babyish, academically she's doing well so the teachers don't pick up on any issues, but she has openly spoken about hurting herself and wanting to die so the referral is definitely what we need not only to get a diagnosis but more importantly to give her support in school and outside of school to help her with her mental health and well being, we are only just starting our referral as she masks so well the teachers haven't said anything up until now, am I doing the right thing ?   same issues here with no accountability for her actions , she never thinks it's bad to lash out she justifies it every time , any thoughts or guidance with this situation as I am very anxious about it all and want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to help her. 

    I hope you get some resolve soon.

Reply

  • Hi there, I've just read your post and it sounds very similar to what we are experiencing. My daughter is 10 and has been struggling with her mental health following a bereavement of her Grampy. In school the teacher has noticed a few ticks and triggers and suggested an Autism referral. Over the last 5 years we have noticed things and now she's getting older it's more apparent that she is neurodivergent. We have asked her GP to send a referral to the right to choose provider and now waiting, we've informed CAMHS as we need some support with her emotions right now and we've emailed her school to request a meeting with the SENCO in SEPTEMBER. Not sure what to do next, she's a model student, but home life is up and down, she can't make friends easily or keep friends they think she's weird or crazy or babyish, academically she's doing well so the teachers don't pick up on any issues, but she has openly spoken about hurting herself and wanting to die so the referral is definitely what we need not only to get a diagnosis but more importantly to give her support in school and outside of school to help her with her mental health and well being, we are only just starting our referral as she masks so well the teachers haven't said anything up until now, am I doing the right thing ?   same issues here with no accountability for her actions , she never thinks it's bad to lash out she justifies it every time , any thoughts or guidance with this situation as I am very anxious about it all and want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to help her. 

    I hope you get some resolve soon.

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