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AUDHD Parent looking for advice / support

Katieboch

Hi everyone,

I’m looking for some advice and support from people who understand autism/AuDHD, masking, demand sensitivity, emotional regulation and family burnout.

My daughter is 11 and autistic/ADHD. She is bright, funny, thoughtful and has so many lovely qualities, but we are currently at a real crisis point at home and I’m struggling to know what the right support should look like.

She masks a lot outside the home and can appear much more capable, settled or compliant than she actually feels inside. At home, where she feels safest, we often see the full impact of the overwhelm: intense dysregulation, anger, shouting, refusal, stalling, emotional shutdowns/meltdowns, and very difficult interactions where she says she “doesn’t understand” what has happened, why something has hurt someone, or what repair/accountability means.

I want to be very clear that I do not see my daughter as naughty, bad or intentionally cruel. I believe a lot of this is coming from unmet needs, anxiety, sensory overload, transition difficulty, demand sensitivity, possible shame, and not having the language or nervous system capacity to explain what is going on for her.

At the same time, the impact at home is becoming extremely hard. I am a single parent, I am also neurodivergent/possibly AuDHD myself, and I am reaching burnout/crisis level. Her younger brother is also affected by the daily stress, conflict and unpredictability. Mornings, transitions, boundaries, school avoidance/stalling, and any conversation about behaviour or consequences can escalate very quickly.

I’m trying so hard to hold compassion and understanding, but I also need to help my daughter learn safety, repair, accountability and how her words/actions affect others — in a way that is accessible for an autistic child and does not shame her.

I would really appreciate advice on:

• How to support an autistic/AuDHD child who genuinely says they do not understand impact, repair or accountability
• How to talk about consequences without triggering shame or meltdown
• How to reduce daily escalation around transitions, demands and boundaries
• What professional support would actually help with this level of family distress
• Whether CAMHS, educational psychology, autism support services, OT, family therapy or parent coaching would be the most appropriate route
• Any scripts, visuals, social stories or approaches that have helped children who mask at school and then fall apart at home

I’m not looking to blame my daughter. I love her deeply and I can see she is struggling too. But we cannot keep living at this level of distress, and I need help understanding what support to ask for and how to keep both children emotionally safe while we work through it.

Thank you for reading. Any advice from autistic adults, AuDHD parents, professionals, or parents who have lived through something similar would be really appreciated.

I am especially interested in practical strategies for crisis-level home dysregulation, because this is now affecting the whole family’s well being and I need to know what help to push for.

  • Hi there, I've just read your post and it sounds very similar to what we are experiencing. My daughter is 10 and has been struggling with her mental health following a bereavement of her Grampy. In school the teacher has noticed a few ticks and triggers and suggested an Autism referral. Over the last 5 years we have noticed things and now she's getting older it's more apparent that she is neurodivergent. We have asked her GP to send a referral to the right to choose provider and now waiting, we've informed CAMHS as we need some support with her emotions right now and we've emailed her school to request a meeting with the SENCO in SEPTEMBER. Not sure what to do next, she's a model student, but home life is up and down, she can't make friends easily or keep friends they think she's weird or crazy or babyish, academically she's doing well so the teachers don't pick up on any issues, but she has openly spoken about hurting herself and wanting to die so the referral is definitely what we need not only to get a diagnosis but more importantly to give her support in school and outside of school to help her with her mental health and well being, we are only just starting our referral as she masks so well the teachers haven't said anything up until now, am I doing the right thing ?   same issues here with no accountability for her actions , she never thinks it's bad to lash out she justifies it every time , any thoughts or guidance with this situation as I am very anxious about it all and want to make sure I'm doing everything I can to help her. 

    I hope you get some resolve soon.

  • in reply to Christine Mod

    Thanks for this, I really appreciate it.

  • in reply to Homebird

    Thank you for your time and understanding

  • in reply to Expecto_Patronum

    Thank you for these I will have a look.

  • Have a look at the trauma informed approach particularly with communication through PACE.

    https://cavuhb.nhs.wales/files/resilience-project/resilience-project-logo-adjustments/pace-pdf/

    Comic strip conversations can be very helpful for reflecting on situations/behaviour.

    https://tamesidelocaloffer.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/2025/12/comic-strip-conversations.pdf

    Hope that helps.

  • Hi. I am autistic with AuDHD son who is now an adult. I have found being autistic can help understand some things,  but as not AuDHD find things difficult as well. I have been through some challenging times where having my own space or time to relax/recover is required, but not always easy. As far as support is concerned one of the most helpful things has been meeting other parents in similar situations and training courses run by parents who understood. Our son's school provided details of courses and organisations to parents regularly.

    If your daughter is at the end of Primary this can be a challenging time. Some Secondary schools offer extra visits to the new school to help with the transition and also we found it helpful to arrange to visit the new school's SENCO. When he started his new school we were able to contact her if there were any difficulties, so other staff could be told of anything that helped. At that age there is not only the prospect of the major transition, but also a lot of hormonal changes which can be challenging. Although it may not be easy to find out what things particularly make school difficult, I would keep talking around it or asking questions, as the more understanding there is at school the higher the chances of a little less challenge at home. 

    Shame is a big difficulty. I learnt over time to wait a while before having a discussion. 

    I found the more he knew about what was happening in the day ahead, the higher the chances of getting to school, but some days when his clothes were too uncomfortable we knew the chances of him getting to school were slim. We also had to start getting ready in good time and remind as little as possible. 

    I hope you find some useful help and can find ways of relaxing and some time for your own recovery. If you have a garden that is a good place to go and take a deep breath. I can confirm that although my son still needs support, he has learnt strategies along the way to help him.

  • Hi Katieboch
     
    It sounds like you things are very difficult for you and your daughter at the moment.
     
    While you wait for responses from people with experience of a similar situation to yourself, I thought I would draw your attention to some of these practical strategies on our website. Knowing what causes distressed behaviour can help you to develop ways of dealing with it:
     
    You may find the following helpful:
     
    You may be interested in seeking some professional support regarding the behaviour. You can search for professionals in your area we are aware of on the Autism Services Directory: https://www.autism.org.uk/directory
     
    You might also like to take a look at The Challenging Behaviour Foundation website for further information and advice:  https://www.challengingbehaviour.org.uk
     
    The Parent to Parent Emotional Support Service provides emotional support to parents and carers regarding their autistic children/grown-up children. The service is provided by trained volunteers with personal experience as the parent of an autistic child or adult. Our focus is on emotional support and understanding what it is like for you as a parent. We offer empathy, understanding, and a safe space to talk through your feelings and experiences. To request a call, complete a web enquiry form here: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/help-and-support/parent-to-parent-helpline
     
    I wish you and your daughter best wishes moving forward with the practical strategies. 
     
    Kind regards.
     
    Christine Mod