Friends and Autism

Thanks. I think it’s just how culture is for most people my age now days though that things like shorter term relationships and friendships are seen as natural. 

Thank you for your kind words. I probably find it more difficult not I’m not in university any more and see my friends less but I’m trying. 

I was at university in the 1990s and found myself in similar corcumstances as you describe. I did not fit in, as going out to get drunk was not my thing. I also needed time to decompress, so did not always socialise as much as others.

I have made friends over the years, through following my own interests.

Those people who are unwilling to put in a little effort, or make simple accommodations, are not going to make good friends for you.

 JoshF Magpie's advice is a great point. Universities have a whole bunch of societies to cater for different interests and people, as opposed to just clubbing. You could also start your own group and see what happens! Chances are, you might be able to attract some like-minded people. The best thing you can do is be yourself. Then, when you do find friends, they will truly love you for who you are. 

I think you should take pride in seeking long term relationships and preferring to talk rather than seeking hook ups and clubbing. 

Hi Josh.  My son is nearly 22 and is in the same situation as you. He has no friends due to his social anxiety and spends his time on his phone, online or gaming sometimes and he would love a good friend who understands the struggles.  He likes Fifa. Well done for getting to uni though, that’s amazing. My son wouldnt cope with that environment. He struggled at college with 'fitting in' and  feeling awkward and shy etc although academically well.  He is High Functioning too.  Maybe you could reach out to him.  He is a loyal and thoughtful young man. I wish you all the best as it is so tough making friends and keeping them with autism. What part of the country are you? If interested maybe Instagram could be a way to connect.  Sorry if this sounds too forward. Take care Josh

I think the main thing in university is that I don’t like going out or clubbing and I enjoy travelling and other activities and would rather go down to a pub to chat than have a night out. I also think that because I prefer longer term relationships instead of hook ups and I don’t socialise as much as others. Even now after university I find it hard sometimes as people are spread out across the country but I find it difficult for people to accept me at times and it feels like they don’t want to put in the effort for me. 

Amen!

Alice-nice-Alice said:

My advice is to use university to learn, not to make friends 

Hi Josh

I had no idea I was autistic when at uni but like you I was different, I wasn’t particularly liked by my peers on our course and I found it hard to make and impossible to sustain friendships. However I knew with certainty that I was there to study and achieve success, that the friendship of others with what was to me alien lifestyles and that was my focus. I felt vindicated when getting the highest grade in my year abd by the admiration of my tutor, lecturers and the professor of our department. I look back on those years with pride, for a top grade obviously, but especially for not caving in to peer pressure to get drunk, waste time on irrelevancies and go to places I did not wish to go. My advice is to use university to learn, not to make friends 

Alice

JoshF said:

I’ve found since coming back to university that some people don’t accept the fact that I’m different

It is shocking that fellow students are not accepting you. How narrow-minded and old fashioned - if it were me, I would tell those individuals this because if you go around looking chastened, you will get picked on, unfortunately. Be confident and focus on your studies. Make friends with the librarians and other serious students, and forget the rest.

I went to Uni very late, age 45 and felt part of things only when I was speaking about my favourite subjects. At breaks and lunch, I used the library or went on walks around the beautiful grounds thinking about what I'd learned that day on my course. If you feel uncomfortable and isolated, take heart from historic students who were hughly isolated yet gained success and fame - Isaac Newton, Albert Einstein, Charles Darwin - look others up online for yourself. Let your mantra be, If you can't join 'em - beat them!! Are there clubs that reflect your specialist interests? That's where you'll find fellow souls. Best wishes and you will always find support within this chat group.

Hey Josh, I can relate to not liking the same environments as others, I’m much more comfortable just being in a place that feels safe with little to no human contact while I enjoy gaming or watching endless YouTube videos on wars, history, conspiracies, space. What if you don’t mind me asking makes you think you appear different to others?

Hi Josh, 

Thank you for sharing your experience. 

I am sorry to hear you have been struggling with friends and groups whilst at university. There are a few websites and places you can go that may help you:

• We have a guide on making friends as an autistic adult: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/family-life-and-relationships/making-friends/autistic-adults.
• We also have a guide on starting university, whilst I know you have already started it may have some useful information for you: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/transitions/england/starting-college-or-university#H3_3 
• You may also want to see if your university offers any support which can often be found under their student services or if there is a neurodivergent society or support group at your university. 

I hope this can be helpful and I know the community has had similar experiences and can offer advice.

Best wishes, 

Alice

If you're at university it might be worth checking out some of the societies. At my university, there's loads of societies which hold sober events that are more neurodivergent friendly and not based around clubbing/drinking culture. Things like craft events and screening episodes of Doctor Who or House for example. I don't know what your interests are or what you do/don't enjoy, but it may just be a case of trial and error to find your people. I also have a hard time making and keeping friends so I can't really say with certainty if any of this will work for you, but there are people out there who are worth your time, and who will appreciate you for who you are, without having to hide it.

Hi! That sounds difficult and it’s super unfair. I can relate- I also don’t enjoy clubbing and I don’t do it- at uni I managed to join a single time and I didn’t even last 30 minutes and my ears hurt the next day and that was the first and last time. I also don’t drink. I was lucky that I found like-minded people at uni that I could be more myself with (I think my uni had a particularly high porportion of neurodivergent people or other aliens - I like the term alien- I’m an alien too.). I also don’t really do well with any group socialising and avoid it. Maybe there are some likeminded people at your university as well that you just haven’t met yet? The challenge is to find them… I’m wondering if maybe there are any societies on something you like and whether you might be able to meet some like-minded people there? (I know that’s not ideal as it may involve groups) I was very lucky that I came accross some people I connected to in my lectures or through going to scientific talks and making friends with them was effortless (which was a huge surprise to me as I had no friends at secondary school). I find it really unfair that those other people don’t treat you in the same way because they sense there are some differences. I think it’s not right that you should be the one that keeps having to adapt and mask to try to fit in- I hope you can find some people you can be yourself with. 

I think that, as the majority of people are allistic, trying to accommodate what the majority expect is the only realistic way to make and keep friends, It is not ideal, but the world is not ideal. The trick is to balance what others seem to like with what you can stand.