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Being married to a newly diagnosed autistic adult (with a toddler)

Tsallinia

Hi all,

It's really nice to be part of this community. 

I needed your advice/insight on my situation.

I am neurotypical I have been with my partner for 9 years in total. Most of those, went really well. There were some signs that my partner was, perhaps, different, but nothing too major (she was masking very well). Then our toddler came to be and since then her mental health hit rock -bottom. She was so exhausted she could no longer mask and she had many (what we now know were) meltdowns. The NHS misdiagnosed her with anxiety etc. until she was referred to a psychiatrist who rolled the ball leading to her official diagnosis. Most likely she also has ADHD which we can't afford the screening for...

The two questions I have really are:

1. Is it "normal" during a meltdown for the person to bang things and  swear? Almost like loosing control?

2. Is it "normal" for an ADHD/ASD person to feel like they want to run away from their marriage?

I am asking because I am trying to figure out which part of my life with her can be justified by the fact that she is an exhausted neurodivergent individual, and which not.

Thank you very much for taking the time to read this and perhaps reply.

I am sorry if my language here is not sensitive. Please let me know if that's the case so I can improve my vocab/approach.

  • An autistic meltdown is caused by an inability to cope with feelings of overwhelm, it is a form of loosing control to some extent. Meltdowns can involve things like destruction of furniture and various forms of self-harm (mine are very infrequent short-duration, but spectacular, like an explosion). A meltdown is not a tantrum, it is not caused by frustrated desires, it is caused by a total inability to deal with emotions at a particular instant. A shut-down is similar, in that it is a reaction to overwhelm, but directed inwardly, rather than outwardly.

    The problem posed by babies and small children for an autistic parent who is the primary care-giver, usually the mother, is that there is no time out of the situation, no time to  be quiet and alone to recharge. The thing that comes to mind to help this is some form of day care for the child, to give the mother some time out and taking over hands-on child care yourself, whenever possible.

  • Good morning from America, Tsallinia!

    First of all, your language is fine!

    1. Meltdowns can look differently for different people. For example, for me I tend to run away and/or shut down when I get overwhelmed. Yes, it could lead to slamming things and swearing, but it can be managed. My advice would be to pursue therapy for her (or even better, both of you if possible). In therapy, your partner could learn better ways to mitigate emotional imbalance and regulate when meltdowns are coming on.

    2. I’ve kind of tried before, so I’d say that’s not unusual for an Autistic to try to run from a marriage. For me, it was more trying to escape via suicide attempts. We Autistics tend to have very black and white thinking, so things like disagreements about where to live or how to spend money can easily snowball into “Well, this isn’t going to work out at all, then.”

    So again my advice is therapy. Especially couples therapy if you can! Therapy in general can help with finding ways to manage emotional issues, but also couples therapy works on communication and balancing what both of you need in the relationship.

  • Hi and welcome to the community.

    Losing control of emotions and wanting to run away are common in autistic people when overloaded. Here are some NAS articles which may help you understand your partner:

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/behaviour/meltdowns/all-audiences

    https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners