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Relationship ending abruptly - advice sought

googlefox

Hello,  Very recently ( two weeks ago) my wonderful husband and partner of the last 15 years ended our relationship and he is now seeking to end our marriage and severe all connections between us with lightening speed.  We have had many life changes over the last few months including coming into some money which has allowed us to retire from our work a little early.  We both retired at about the same time and so we lost the community of being in employment and were with each other 24/7 - it was not ideal.  In the middle of this I was diagnosed with ADHD and this was a shock for me as I am in my late 50's and I was really struggling with the diagnosis.   My partner has ASD.  We have been happy, but i recognise that the last few months have been very difficult for him, However,  I can only see that now. He announced one morning that he wanted a divorce because he thought that this would settle the complexities of us both deciding where we want to move to - i want to be with my family one end of the country and he wants to be at the other.  We tried a middle ground solution but then ( i think in an effort to make me happy) he said he would move to the south of England ( where my family are) and we set out on a week long search.  He left the trip abruptly and the messages between us that week were cold and not as they normally were.  I thought he was just unwell.  When I returned home,  he seemed fine but the next morning he made his announcement.  It was, for me,  a terrible shock and at first I thought he was just reacting to being unwell and exhausted.  He has moved to stay with his mum and has not really spoken to me since.  He went straight to the solicitors and is seeking a formal agreement which will effectively end our marriage forever.  I cannot fathom what has happened.  He is civil in messages but has set about 'uncoupling' every connection at all between us.  I am heart broken - can anyone help me make sense of what has happened please?  Has anybodies relationship recovered from something like this.  He is the most wonderful partner and I am just so deeply hurt and shocked. 

  • in reply to googlefox

    The thing I find hard to deal with is uncertainty. It gives me a physical sensation, causes anxiety and affects everything.

    After time it pushes towards burnout and problems with sleeping. Then certainty, even a less good outcome, is preferable. Something solid you can rely on.

    It sounds to me like he has reached a decision. Whether he is of right mind or not is hard to say. But I don't know how you will get through to him.

    Perhaps he has convinced himself you don't care. If you have appeared calm and not emotional. The talk of living where he doesn't want to perhaps looks like being together in your home was less important.

    I see parallels with some of my thinking. It may be the black and white thinking which is much stronger when overloaded. You both want to live in different places. There is no solution other than to split. In which case just be logical and get it done. I am not saying this is right or fair, or even in both of your best interests. But it is a possible line of thought.

    If you can't talk openly and honestly you seem stuck. If proposing a 3 or 6 month gap before doing anything final to allow him to recover and re-evaluate won't work, I don't know what to suggest.

  • in reply to Geeky Gothic Guy

    Thanks -  Geeky GG.  I have lived with him for 15 years and I think the biggest shock is that I thought I knew him - I had no doubt in my ability to trust him and I have been defending him to friends and family since this began.  I thought he might be in a state of shut down or burn out but he is very systematic in erasing all connections so I don't think that is it.  He will not come and see me despite my asking him to.  Even with the hurt I am feeling I am thinking about the impact on him - and this does not look or sound or feel like him at all.  I have never doubted that he is someone whose inner core is kindness but appears unable to see the hurt and devastation he is causing - not by leaving alone but by the callous manner he is discarding the connection between us.  I was advised not to let him see how upset I am because he is in a fragile state - and I have been so careful not to show emotions in the brief email exchanges between us but I just dont think he cares any longer and that he has shut me out without warning and without care. 

  • That sounds an awful situation to be in. I don’t have a lot to offer in way of advice, but i will say don’t hold your emotions back. If you’re angry, let it out, tell him how upset you are. The way he’s gone about it from what you’ve said is extremely unkind. His relatives said he can’t do emotions atm, well i’m sorry but thats not good enough. He’s turned your world upside down and is making it  all about him and his emotions. 

  • in reply to profdanger

    Thank you and bless you for the hope.  I really miss him and just wish I had known how much he was struggling.

  • in reply to googlefox
    googlefox said:
    but I am reading in your advice that you feel this is already a relationship beyond any repair or saving.

    Not necessarily. There is still a chance that he can realize how important you have been to him, but unfortunately that is something he has to figure out on his own. My advice is don’t give up hope, but plan for what you will do if it does fail.

  • in reply to profdanger

    Hi Profdanger, and thank you for your reply.  I just cannot fathom how we have gone from being a couple with so many years of togetherness to this, as there were no signs.  It is like he has locked himself behind a wall and will not let me near.  He has told others that he has been unhappy for the last eight years and that has been heartbreaking to hear.  I have no idea why he did not feel that he could talk to me.  He will not consider any form of 'trying' to rebuild a relationship - i have asked and he has declined.  I have tried giving him space ( he is now living with relatives).  and I am keeping all communication calm and non confrontational as the relative he is living with has advised that he is 'not able to do emotions at the moment'.  I just wondered whether any other couples have come back from such a place given that our lives have been so stressful recently but I am reading in your advice that you feel this is already a relationship beyond any repair or saving.  

  • Good morning from America, googlefox.

    Whoa, that’s really abrupt. I’m sorry to hear of the heartbreak you are going through. No, I have never been through a similar situation, but I’d like to help if I can.

    I think if I were in that position I would recommend a compromise of a little separation - with one living on one end of the country and the other on the opposite - but keep the marriage intact. Have specific times of the week to chat and catch up and a certain time of the month when you see each other in person. I’ve heard of that working for couples around your age in an article I’ve read a long time ago.

    However, it sounds like your husband has already set his mind to this idea, so I hate to say it but it might be a little late to suggest this idea. It really sounds like having a third-party listen - via couples counseling - would be the best option at this stage, but I imagine it would be difficult to convince him to do that either. Regardless, you can try to compromise or do counseling and see if he can be receptive.