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Relationship ending abruptly - advice sought

googlefox

Hello,  Very recently ( two weeks ago) my wonderful husband and partner of the last 15 years ended our relationship and he is now seeking to end our marriage and severe all connections between us with lightening speed.  We have had many life changes over the last few months including coming into some money which has allowed us to retire from our work a little early.  We both retired at about the same time and so we lost the community of being in employment and were with each other 24/7 - it was not ideal.  In the middle of this I was diagnosed with ADHD and this was a shock for me as I am in my late 50's and I was really struggling with the diagnosis.   My partner has ASD.  We have been happy, but i recognise that the last few months have been very difficult for him, However,  I can only see that now. He announced one morning that he wanted a divorce because he thought that this would settle the complexities of us both deciding where we want to move to - i want to be with my family one end of the country and he wants to be at the other.  We tried a middle ground solution but then ( i think in an effort to make me happy) he said he would move to the south of England ( where my family are) and we set out on a week long search.  He left the trip abruptly and the messages between us that week were cold and not as they normally were.  I thought he was just unwell.  When I returned home,  he seemed fine but the next morning he made his announcement.  It was, for me,  a terrible shock and at first I thought he was just reacting to being unwell and exhausted.  He has moved to stay with his mum and has not really spoken to me since.  He went straight to the solicitors and is seeking a formal agreement which will effectively end our marriage forever.  I cannot fathom what has happened.  He is civil in messages but has set about 'uncoupling' every connection at all between us.  I am heart broken - can anyone help me make sense of what has happened please?  Has anybodies relationship recovered from something like this.  He is the most wonderful partner and I am just so deeply hurt and shocked. 

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  • Good morning from America, googlefox.

    Whoa, that’s really abrupt. I’m sorry to hear of the heartbreak you are going through. No, I have never been through a similar situation, but I’d like to help if I can.

    I think if I were in that position I would recommend a compromise of a little separation - with one living on one end of the country and the other on the opposite - but keep the marriage intact. Have specific times of the week to chat and catch up and a certain time of the month when you see each other in person. I’ve heard of that working for couples around your age in an article I’ve read a long time ago.

    However, it sounds like your husband has already set his mind to this idea, so I hate to say it but it might be a little late to suggest this idea. It really sounds like having a third-party listen - via couples counseling - would be the best option at this stage, but I imagine it would be difficult to convince him to do that either. Regardless, you can try to compromise or do counseling and see if he can be receptive.

  • in reply to profdanger

    Hi Profdanger, and thank you for your reply.  I just cannot fathom how we have gone from being a couple with so many years of togetherness to this, as there were no signs.  It is like he has locked himself behind a wall and will not let me near.  He has told others that he has been unhappy for the last eight years and that has been heartbreaking to hear.  I have no idea why he did not feel that he could talk to me.  He will not consider any form of 'trying' to rebuild a relationship - i have asked and he has declined.  I have tried giving him space ( he is now living with relatives).  and I am keeping all communication calm and non confrontational as the relative he is living with has advised that he is 'not able to do emotions at the moment'.  I just wondered whether any other couples have come back from such a place given that our lives have been so stressful recently but I am reading in your advice that you feel this is already a relationship beyond any repair or saving.  

  • in reply to googlefox
    googlefox said:
    but I am reading in your advice that you feel this is already a relationship beyond any repair or saving.

    Not necessarily. There is still a chance that he can realize how important you have been to him, but unfortunately that is something he has to figure out on his own. My advice is don’t give up hope, but plan for what you will do if it does fail.

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