Relationship ending abruptly - advice sought

Hello,  Very recently ( two weeks ago) my wonderful husband and partner of the last 15 years ended our relationship and he is now seeking to end our marriage and severe all connections between us with lightening speed.  We have had many life changes over the last few months including coming into some money which has allowed us to retire from our work a little early.  We both retired at about the same time and so we lost the community of being in employment and were with each other 24/7 - it was not ideal.  In the middle of this I was diagnosed with ADHD and this was a shock for me as I am in my late 50's and I was really struggling with the diagnosis.   My partner has ASD.  We have been happy, but i recognise that the last few months have been very difficult for him, However,  I can only see that now. He announced one morning that he wanted a divorce because he thought that this would settle the complexities of us both deciding where we want to move to - i want to be with my family one end of the country and he wants to be at the other.  We tried a middle ground solution but then ( i think in an effort to make me happy) he said he would move to the south of England ( where my family are) and we set out on a week long search.  He left the trip abruptly and the messages between us that week were cold and not as they normally were.  I thought he was just unwell.  When I returned home,  he seemed fine but the next morning he made his announcement.  It was, for me,  a terrible shock and at first I thought he was just reacting to being unwell and exhausted.  He has moved to stay with his mum and has not really spoken to me since.  He went straight to the solicitors and is seeking a formal agreement which will effectively end our marriage forever.  I cannot fathom what has happened.  He is civil in messages but has set about 'uncoupling' every connection at all between us.  I am heart broken - can anyone help me make sense of what has happened please?  Has anybodies relationship recovered from something like this.  He is the most wonderful partner and I am just so deeply hurt and shocked. 

Parents
  • That sounds an awful situation to be in. I don’t have a lot to offer in way of advice, but i will say don’t hold your emotions back. If you’re angry, let it out, tell him how upset you are. The way he’s gone about it from what you’ve said is extremely unkind. His relatives said he can’t do emotions atm, well i’m sorry but thats not good enough. He’s turned your world upside down and is making it  all about him and his emotions. 

Reply
  • That sounds an awful situation to be in. I don’t have a lot to offer in way of advice, but i will say don’t hold your emotions back. If you’re angry, let it out, tell him how upset you are. The way he’s gone about it from what you’ve said is extremely unkind. His relatives said he can’t do emotions atm, well i’m sorry but thats not good enough. He’s turned your world upside down and is making it  all about him and his emotions. 

Children
  • Thanks -  Geeky GG.  I have lived with him for 15 years and I think the biggest shock is that I thought I knew him - I had no doubt in my ability to trust him and I have been defending him to friends and family since this began.  I thought he might be in a state of shut down or burn out but he is very systematic in erasing all connections so I don't think that is it.  He will not come and see me despite my asking him to.  Even with the hurt I am feeling I am thinking about the impact on him - and this does not look or sound or feel like him at all.  I have never doubted that he is someone whose inner core is kindness but appears unable to see the hurt and devastation he is causing - not by leaving alone but by the callous manner he is discarding the connection between us.  I was advised not to let him see how upset I am because he is in a fragile state - and I have been so careful not to show emotions in the brief email exchanges between us but I just dont think he cares any longer and that he has shut me out without warning and without care.