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Relationship ending abruptly - advice sought

googlefox

Hello,  Very recently ( two weeks ago) my wonderful husband and partner of the last 15 years ended our relationship and he is now seeking to end our marriage and severe all connections between us with lightening speed.  We have had many life changes over the last few months including coming into some money which has allowed us to retire from our work a little early.  We both retired at about the same time and so we lost the community of being in employment and were with each other 24/7 - it was not ideal.  In the middle of this I was diagnosed with ADHD and this was a shock for me as I am in my late 50's and I was really struggling with the diagnosis.   My partner has ASD.  We have been happy, but i recognise that the last few months have been very difficult for him, However,  I can only see that now. He announced one morning that he wanted a divorce because he thought that this would settle the complexities of us both deciding where we want to move to - i want to be with my family one end of the country and he wants to be at the other.  We tried a middle ground solution but then ( i think in an effort to make me happy) he said he would move to the south of England ( where my family are) and we set out on a week long search.  He left the trip abruptly and the messages between us that week were cold and not as they normally were.  I thought he was just unwell.  When I returned home,  he seemed fine but the next morning he made his announcement.  It was, for me,  a terrible shock and at first I thought he was just reacting to being unwell and exhausted.  He has moved to stay with his mum and has not really spoken to me since.  He went straight to the solicitors and is seeking a formal agreement which will effectively end our marriage forever.  I cannot fathom what has happened.  He is civil in messages but has set about 'uncoupling' every connection at all between us.  I am heart broken - can anyone help me make sense of what has happened please?  Has anybodies relationship recovered from something like this.  He is the most wonderful partner and I am just so deeply hurt and shocked. 

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  • What a horrible shock, you must be reeling?

    I can't really offer anything that others have not, only that maybe as part of the divorce process you could go to mediation to sort things out, as presumably you have things like property in common ownership, but it should also give you a chance to understand why he's made this seemingly sudden descision.

    You could also have relationship counselling to help you through this process, it would help if he came to some sessions, but they would still see you as a newly seperated person.

    Has he given you any other indications of why he's taken such a drastic step? Deciding where you both want to live is a difficult one as you both have very different ideas of where that is, but I don't think it should be an insurmountable problem.

    ((hugs)) to you

  • in reply to TheCatWoman

    Thanks TheCatWoman  - he has said that he no longer loves me.  He said he cares for me deeply but that he no longer feels he loves me.  He also said that he had been unhappy for a long time and that he had not been able to tell me for fear of how I would react.  It is truly devastating to know that someone I care about so much was not happy and was not able to tell me that.  I wish I had  read a bit more about autism and communication and that we had put in place stratergies to allow him to be fully heard but to be honest i really did not know it was a problem.  I dont think he is the sort of person who would consider counselling of any type even if he ever felt that we could reconnect - and third party help to truly understand what went wrong and how to avoid it in future would,  I feel, be absolutely needed.   I have never wanted him to be unhappy - I don't want him to be unhappy now despite the pain I am in.  We are already at the point of dividing assets ( and its only two weeks since he asked for a divorce) - as I said,  he has been uncoupling any connection between us with lightening speed. My solicitor said that in 40 years of family law she has never seen anybody move so quickly - it just feels so unreal.  The crazy thing about the house hunt is that I truly think that he was trying to make me happy and I was trying to do the same and so there was no decision made. He is being very kind and generous with his offer of settlement but I would give anything to turn the clock back and have an outcome that is not this one. Thank you for helping and especially for the hugs x 

  • in reply to googlefox

    I don't think being autistic is an excuse to treat you like this, he may not have the words or find it comfortable to express his emotions, but he's an adult who's able to form long term relationships and he shouldn't be claiming autism as a reason for treating you so shabbily.

    Do you have a chance to stall procedings for a short time? It seems far to quick and it would be easy for you both to make choices you'd later regret. I'm glad you have a solicitor as you need someone who's sharp and on the ball on your behalf, after such a shock it would be unsurprising if you don't feel in the right head space to make important descicions.

    Unfortunatately I'm familiar with the cliff edge feeling that this kind of thing can cause, I found it brought a sort of mental paralasys, where I couldn't see anything ahead of me only what had gone before. I think the worst part was feeling that my ability to dream and plan anything had been taken away, stolen almost, any ground I stood on felt shakey and like it could fall or be taken away at any momment.

    ((hugs))

  • in reply to googlefox

    I'm autistic, but not ADHD, although I know plenty of people who are, you did mention your diagnosis and I can't help but wonder if this has had an impact on his choice to end your relationship? I know it's a horrible thing to think, but its not unheard of for a partner with a diagnosis to not want their partner to have one too, it can be seen as competition or somethig equally stupid.

    I'm glad you have some breathing space from having to make legal desicions just yet. 

    I wonder what effect his use of AI is having? Some people are able to use it just as a tool to help them with day to day life, but others get carried away with it, maybe because it it talks to you the way you talk to it, it builds a false empathy? I don't know I'm not very good with tech at all and have never dared try AI, if I did, it would probably swear at me as much as I'd swear at it, lol.

    Have you spoken to your GP? If not try and do so, you need help right now and even if it's chemical dosen't make it any less helpful.

    I'm sorry your daughter's impacted too, at least you have someone who knows exactly how you feel and it would seem his family are being supportive of you too.

  • in reply to googlefox

    I had issues years ago, but I was undiagnosed and had no idea what was happening as I tried mask, adapt and not burn out, while having received wrong advice and support someone with their own issues, while trying to advance a career. I couldn't understand interpersonal dynamics and tried to make sense of things by logically reasoning things out from first principles, for every conversation, with no help and no one to talk to, in a time when there was little to no information. I burnt out and had to be alone. I would not be in that position in today's world. 

    He knows and should be able to recognise what is happening. There is information these days if you look. But as I said, it takes a certain mindset to critically interpret things and remain open to other interpretations. 

    The AI will give you NT perspectives. There is no sugar coating what has happened and it is harsh. But eovery relationship is unique though and only you know the true circumstances.

    I feel for you. I don't know what to suggest.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thanks Stuart333. I am really not good with things like AI - especially as I have tried to use it to make sense of this situation and it was horrifyingly brutal when tasked with providing insight into my husbands behaviour.  Also,  not sure if it's the way that I am asking the questions but it isn't particularly autism positive. 

Reply
  • in reply to Stuart333

    Thanks Stuart333. I am really not good with things like AI - especially as I have tried to use it to make sense of this situation and it was horrifyingly brutal when tasked with providing insight into my husbands behaviour.  Also,  not sure if it's the way that I am asking the questions but it isn't particularly autism positive. 

Children
  • in reply to googlefox

    I had issues years ago, but I was undiagnosed and had no idea what was happening as I tried mask, adapt and not burn out, while having received wrong advice and support someone with their own issues, while trying to advance a career. I couldn't understand interpersonal dynamics and tried to make sense of things by logically reasoning things out from first principles, for every conversation, with no help and no one to talk to, in a time when there was little to no information. I burnt out and had to be alone. I would not be in that position in today's world. 

    He knows and should be able to recognise what is happening. There is information these days if you look. But as I said, it takes a certain mindset to critically interpret things and remain open to other interpretations. 

    The AI will give you NT perspectives. There is no sugar coating what has happened and it is harsh. But eovery relationship is unique though and only you know the true circumstances.

    I feel for you. I don't know what to suggest.