Relationship ending abruptly - advice sought

What a horrible shock, you must be reeling?

I can't really offer anything that others have not, only that maybe as part of the divorce process you could go to mediation to sort things out, as presumably you have things like property in common ownership, but it should also give you a chance to understand why he's made this seemingly sudden descision.

You could also have relationship counselling to help you through this process, it would help if he came to some sessions, but they would still see you as a newly seperated person.

Has he given you any other indications of why he's taken such a drastic step? Deciding where you both want to live is a difficult one as you both have very different ideas of where that is, but I don't think it should be an insurmountable problem.

((hugs)) to you

Thanks TheCatWoman  - he has said that he no longer loves me.  He said he cares for me deeply but that he no longer feels he loves me.  He also said that he had been unhappy for a long time and that he had not been able to tell me for fear of how I would react.  It is truly devastating to know that someone I care about so much was not happy and was not able to tell me that.  I wish I had  read a bit more about autism and communication and that we had put in place stratergies to allow him to be fully heard but to be honest i really did not know it was a problem.  I dont think he is the sort of person who would consider counselling of any type even if he ever felt that we could reconnect - and third party help to truly understand what went wrong and how to avoid it in future would,  I feel, be absolutely needed.   I have never wanted him to be unhappy - I don't want him to be unhappy now despite the pain I am in.  We are already at the point of dividing assets ( and its only two weeks since he asked for a divorce) - as I said,  he has been uncoupling any connection between us with lightening speed. My solicitor said that in 40 years of family law she has never seen anybody move so quickly - it just feels so unreal.  The crazy thing about the house hunt is that I truly think that he was trying to make me happy and I was trying to do the same and so there was no decision made. He is being very kind and generous with his offer of settlement but I would give anything to turn the clock back and have an outcome that is not this one. Thank you for helping and especially for the hugs x 

I don't think being autistic is an excuse to treat you like this, he may not have the words or find it comfortable to express his emotions, but he's an adult who's able to form long term relationships and he shouldn't be claiming autism as a reason for treating you so shabbily.

Do you have a chance to stall procedings for a short time? It seems far to quick and it would be easy for you both to make choices you'd later regret. I'm glad you have a solicitor as you need someone who's sharp and on the ball on your behalf, after such a shock it would be unsurprising if you don't feel in the right head space to make important descicions.

Unfortunatately I'm familiar with the cliff edge feeling that this kind of thing can cause, I found it brought a sort of mental paralasys, where I couldn't see anything ahead of me only what had gone before. I think the worst part was feeling that my ability to dream and plan anything had been taken away, stolen almost, any ground I stood on felt shakey and like it could fall or be taken away at any momment.

((hugs))

Thanks TheCatWoman.  I wondered whether my diagnosis was a challenge for him - it certainly has been for me.  I really did not realise I had ADHD but i probably should have done, because they told me there and then that I had it.  My husband encouraged me to go but i do think he changed towards me since that happened.  I have seen my GP.  I am only getting through the day with the help of chemicals - and I am waiting for an appointment to see if ADHD medication will work for me but that's going to be a while.  Thanks again for the help and taking the time to chat - it really has helped to have people respond

I'm autistic, but not ADHD, although I know plenty of people who are, you did mention your diagnosis and I can't help but wonder if this has had an impact on his choice to end your relationship? I know it's a horrible thing to think, but its not unheard of for a partner with a diagnosis to not want their partner to have one too, it can be seen as competition or somethig equally stupid.

I'm glad you have some breathing space from having to make legal desicions just yet. 

I wonder what effect his use of AI is having? Some people are able to use it just as a tool to help them with day to day life, but others get carried away with it, maybe because it it talks to you the way you talk to it, it builds a false empathy? I don't know I'm not very good with tech at all and have never dared try AI, if I did, it would probably swear at me as much as I'd swear at it, lol.

Have you spoken to your GP? If not try and do so, you need help right now and even if it's chemical dosen't make it any less helpful.

I'm sorry your daughter's impacted too, at least you have someone who knows exactly how you feel and it would seem his family are being supportive of you too.

I had issues years ago, but I was undiagnosed and had no idea what was happening as I tried mask, adapt and not burn out, while having received wrong advice and support someone with their own issues, while trying to advance a career. I couldn't understand interpersonal dynamics and tried to make sense of things by logically reasoning things out from first principles, for every conversation, with no help and no one to talk to, in a time when there was little to no information. I burnt out and had to be alone. I would not be in that position in today's world. 

He knows and should be able to recognise what is happening. There is information these days if you look. But as I said, it takes a certain mindset to critically interpret things and remain open to other interpretations. 

The AI will give you NT perspectives. There is no sugar coating what has happened and it is harsh. But eovery relationship is unique though and only you know the true circumstances.

I feel for you. I don't know what to suggest.

Thanks Stuart333. I am really not good with things like AI - especially as I have tried to use it to make sense of this situation and it was horrifyingly brutal when tasked with providing insight into my husbands behaviour.  Also,  not sure if it's the way that I am asking the questions but it isn't particularly autism positive. 

AI answers the question you ask, so the wording of the question is important. It has a slight confirmation bias, although it will contradict you if you say something wrong. The default is not to make you feel bad, so it manages tone. You can ask it to be brutally honest if you want, but it can be quite tough if you ask it to be blunt.

There is a technique to using it to get balanced answers, but this is not obvious to most people.

It can provide quite convincing answers, but if you ask the opposite question it can provide quite a convincing opposite answer, particularly on subjective matters.

The problem about asking for opinions about real life events is it depends on your perception of them. If you perceived them wrong it will give you advice on a biased perspective. This requires a good amount of self awareness to notice, which requires you to be well regulated and perceptive. Seeing yourself fairly from inside is hard.

Thanks Stuart333 he is a big fan of AI - he uses it all the time and I really do not trust it to give balanced information - my understanding is that it 'backs up' tand legitimises the view of the writer and provides feed back which is not as balanced as it might appear.  I dont think this is autism alone,  he is a man with autistic traits (actually the traits I love most about him).  Although i used alot of words,  i think my main exploration was around whether this could be burn out or shut down or even a MH crisis.  I suspect that I will never know.  I appreciate that you have said that I should not blame myself and that there were two people in the relationship but I can also see that I did make mistakes - communication is every thing and although he did not communicate with me,  I think the 'messages' I was sending him were a contribution as I know he needed me to be more specific and clear and I think I made him feel like he was failing.  He was I think,  just trying to make me happy and I did not see that at the time I was not responding to it.  Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it. 

I don't think googlefox  has claimed it's autism that has caused this.

It is likely to be a number of factors, there is unlikely to be a single neat answer, even though it is natural to want one. The problem is it is impossible to really know what someone else is thinking.

Be careful about blaming yourself. There are two people involved.

It is possible he has been talking to someone or sought advice, or been talking to AI even. It seems a little strange to me though.

I hope you have someone who can help you.

Thanks TheCatWoman.  I cant recall if I said that just six or so weeks before this happened I was diagnosed with ADHD and despite friends telling me that they saw the 'evidence' I did not , so I went to the assessment expecting the outcome to be that I did not have ADHD.  My husband was really keen for me to have the assessment and was there and participated in the process by providing 'evidence' that I know was honest but felt brutal.  In the few weeks between diagnosis and him leaving I was trying to come to terms with my own ND.  I was his partner when he was diagnosed and we faced and explored that together.  His mum kindly pointed out to him when I was asking him to consider trying to save things that I had made 'allowances'( not the word i would chose) for his autism and had supported him - and yet he did not appear to be making allowances or to be understanding towards mine and the recent diagnosis.  I do  not think that his autism  is an excuse, he has obviously always had autism, but he was kind and supportive not just to me but in how he navigated the world.  I was really proud of his innate kindness.  I am struggling with the change, the sudden change in how he views me,  that he cannot ( or will not) communicate with me to help me understand and that he has discarded our relationship so brutally.  My daughter ( who loves him very much) is also feeling the loss of him.  She is an adult but the loss is still real and painful and he has not reached out to her.  She cannot understand the change and what has happened except to say that she feels this is a health episode or burnout or shutdown.  Others feel that the money is the primary factor and that he now has the means to live without the complication of our relationship is the motivation and the primary driver.  I still cannot think that is the case.  The mental paralysis is real and I think that is where I am.  My mental and physical health is really being impacted.  I do not have much support where i live,  my support what my husband and his family - his mum is trying to support and I appreciate that she knows that his 'unhappy for the last eight years' is not true - she was witness to our relationship being a supportive one - both ways.  After having the support on here (including your virtual hug) and realising that i was at the edge or a total MH crisis,  I emailed him to say just that and to say that I am not currently fit to engage with the legal process - its is not an attempt to be difficult,  I really am on my knees emotionally.  He emailed back a short reply which was pleasant on the surface to say that he understood that I needed to seek support and that it was important it is the right support.  He said he is aware that it might take time to get that in place and he placed no time line on the need for re-engagement.  However, I suspect that his reply is AI generated rather than something he wrote - not that I care who or what wrote it because either way it was his reply and it has allowed me to breath and to not feel as though I am being pushed to make legal decisions that I currently do not have the capacity to make.  

Are you on the spectrum or do you have a loved one who is?  

Thanks TheCatWoman.  I cant recall if I said that just six or so weeks before this happened I was diagnosed with ADHD and despite friends telling me that they saw the 'evidence' I did not , so I went to the assessment expecting the outcome to be that I did not have ADHD.  My husband was really keen for me to have the assessment and was there and participated in the process by providing 'evidence' that I know was honest but felt brutal.  In the few weeks between diagnosis and him leaving I was trying to come to terms with my own ND.  I was his partner when he was diagnosed and we faced and explored that together.  His mum kindly pointed out to him when I was asking him to consider trying to save things that I had made 'allowances'( not the word i would chose) for his autism and had supported him - and yet he did not appear to be making allowances or to be understanding towards mine and the recent diagnosis.  I do  not think that his autism  is an excuse, he has obviously always had autism, but he was kind and supportive not just to me but in how he navigated the world.  I was really proud of his innate kindness.  I am struggling with the change, the sudden change in how he views me,  that he cannot ( or will not) communicate with me to help me understand and that he has discarded our relationship so brutally.  My daughter ( who loves him very much) is also feeling the loss of him.  She is an adult but the loss is still real and painful and he has not reached out to her.  She cannot understand the change and what has happened except to say that she feels this is a health episode or burnout or shutdown.  Others feel that the money is the primary factor and that he now has the means to live without the complication of our relationship is the motivation and the primary driver.  I still cannot think that is the case.  The mental paralysis is real and I think that is where I am.  My mental and physical health is really being impacted.  I do not have much support where i live,  my support what my husband and his family - his mum is trying to support and I appreciate that she knows that his 'unhappy for the last eight years' is not true - she was witness to our relationship being a supportive one - both ways.  After having the support on here (including your virtual hug) and realising that i was at the edge or a total MH crisis,  I emailed him to say just that and to say that I am not currently fit to engage with the legal process - its is not an attempt to be difficult,  I really am on my knees emotionally.  He emailed back a short reply which was pleasant on the surface to say that he understood that I needed to seek support and that it was important it is the right support.  He said he is aware that it might take time to get that in place and he placed no time line on the need for re-engagement.  However, I suspect that his reply is AI generated rather than something he wrote - not that I care who or what wrote it because either way it was his reply and it has allowed me to breath and to not feel as though I am being pushed to make legal decisions that I currently do not have the capacity to make.  

Are you on the spectrum or do you have a loved one who is?  

Thanks TheCatWoman.  I wondered whether my diagnosis was a challenge for him - it certainly has been for me.  I really did not realise I had ADHD but i probably should have done, because they told me there and then that I had it.  My husband encouraged me to go but i do think he changed towards me since that happened.  I have seen my GP.  I am only getting through the day with the help of chemicals - and I am waiting for an appointment to see if ADHD medication will work for me but that's going to be a while.  Thanks again for the help and taking the time to chat - it really has helped to have people respond

I'm autistic, but not ADHD, although I know plenty of people who are, you did mention your diagnosis and I can't help but wonder if this has had an impact on his choice to end your relationship? I know it's a horrible thing to think, but its not unheard of for a partner with a diagnosis to not want their partner to have one too, it can be seen as competition or somethig equally stupid.

I'm glad you have some breathing space from having to make legal desicions just yet. 

I wonder what effect his use of AI is having? Some people are able to use it just as a tool to help them with day to day life, but others get carried away with it, maybe because it it talks to you the way you talk to it, it builds a false empathy? I don't know I'm not very good with tech at all and have never dared try AI, if I did, it would probably swear at me as much as I'd swear at it, lol.

Have you spoken to your GP? If not try and do so, you need help right now and even if it's chemical dosen't make it any less helpful.

I'm sorry your daughter's impacted too, at least you have someone who knows exactly how you feel and it would seem his family are being supportive of you too.