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Regression impacting relationship

AdamH123

I am newly diagnosed though the outcome was expected after feeling my traits growing more prevalent over the last few years due to life struggles. The stress has impacted me and creates a cycle: making me feel worse, my autistic traits grow stronger and impacts my family and I feel even worse still.

At this stage I just feel like I am having a negative impact on my relationship. I hoped my diagnosis would make me feel like there was a rationale for my problems but I am now just seeing myself as some different and less capable. 

I hear the terms like regression and burnout and it feels like its what's happening. But as I try to address it I am worried about who I have become. I am someone so different now, I wasn't the person of 10 years ago and I feel like I am less good, less able and more of a problem. I want to be me again, autistic but not like this

  • in reply to AdamH123

    This isn’t easy is it? Can you communicate in another way when you shut down? Such as texting? Even to keep things in your relationship going. 
    Do you use anything for your heightened senses? I’m usually to be found with the noise cancelling headphones and sunglasses on to help with those things. 

  • in reply to Orangegnome

    I have become more awkward socially, struggle to communicate and feel shut down when stressed. I overthink everything snd feel incapable of making decisions and my head gets scrambled with lots of tasks and worries.

    Also unlike before I feel far less secure in myself snd my relationship making me question everything. All of this leaves me with heightened senses constantly so I get headaches and feels overwhelmed

  • in reply to AdamH123

    What are the attributes you would like back and what are the attributes you don’t like about yourself? Do you try to calm yourself in the way you find helpful to reduce your stress? 

  • in reply to Orangegnome

    Thanks for replying. I feel like regressing is making me more stressed and just generally struggling. The more I feel stressed and upset I feel like it has a greater impact and I become even more different.

    I feel like I am an inconvenience to other people. It's impacting my relationship. Not the person I was and now far less able. I'm more awkward, less able socially and whilst I try I do mess up. The extra strain on the relationship is making me more stressed and that's making it even worse. It's like a cycle that's getting more negative all the time.

    I want to be like who I was but I feel like I am losing that person

  • I totally get how this all feels. I am not the same person as I was 10 years ago (I’m not sure anyone is?). I think it’s okay to change and what has happened might be because you are now not pushing yourself to do things that aren’t within your comfort zone or ability, and before maybe you were pushing and pushing yourself almost to the point of collapse? It’s okay to regress, how do you think this has affected you? 
    it makes me sad to read the bit where you say “I am less good, less able and more of a problem”. Is this in your eyes or other people’s? 
    in my experience I have always been difficult at times, but these days I understand I am trying to make my world a little easier when I behave in a certain way or need to do something that is inconvenient to others. 

  • Hi Adam, thank you for sharing with the online community. I’m sorry you’re experiencing stress and this has impacted your family and relationship. You may find it useful to have a look at our page on common reactions after receiving your diagnosis: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/diagnosis/after-diagnosis/how-will-i-feel-after-receiving-an-autism-diagnosi.

    You may also find it helpful to check our guide on relationships for partners of autistic people: https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners. 

    Best wishes,

    Anna Mod

  • OK,  before trying to help, please hear where .i am coming from as my experience i forms what I am about to say.

    I am now 68. Male and recently lost my wife of 40 years to vascular dementia. I have had a train wreck of a career due to my autism and never connecting with people. I was assessed just a few months ago and am now beginning to understand how my autism has contributed to where I am. 

    Like me, you are still the same person you have always been and always will be. Yes you probably are having a negative impact on your relationships because reading people is a skill we A's don’t have much of. But that doesn’t make you a bad person. 

    Understand yourself and work to your strengths not your weaknesses. It is likely you will never be a great footballer or golfer because sports like that focus on physical attributes we A's don’t have. Remember many of our greatest people like Einstein are or were like us, autistic as they come. We are in the company of the likes of Mozart, Beethoven, Musk, Cavendish, Courtney Love, Daryl Hannah.