Time frames

Yes, uncomfortable is the word. I struggle with communication in this sense too. Written communication is my general preference as it is much easier than approaching someone or emailing them. But waiting for a response I really struggle with. Particularly with emails. How long do you wait before you remind someone? 

Yes hugely.

It's the same with appointments or anything that is just open ended., they just make me "uncomfortable"

When I was initially on the waiting list for diagnosis I was told it was 6-8 months, that was okay as I thought it's 8 months but could be earlier, obviously it wasn't and after 3 years of chasing them I found out about TRTC and it was all over within 3 months, the wait for the report was an issue but I had an end point so it was too bad.

Yes that's a good plan I think. Unfortunately, I think a lot of others take the opposite approach. They try to appease by telling you the earliest possible date and then don't manage it.

Thank you. I think with this, there are also unknowns of what will happen in the appointment. The time frame was the only known thing I had and that no longer feels known.

Yes. I was amazed recently when one of the managers in work explained to me that when I'm told to do something I do it asap but other people don't work that way. I was really surprised how ok with this she was. Surely her job would be much easier if people just did.

Yes I'm now learning that consultants often don't work many days at your particular hospital too which really limits appointments as well. A lot of them work for private hospitals and just do the odd day NHS work.

As it is still spring, I will give it a bit longer before I chase it up. But if I've not heard when it officially becomes summer then I think I will.

I think because I find this difficult, if I tell a customer at work I will do something I always give them a time that is the latest possible, so then if I do it quicker it is better.

Expecto_Patronum said:

I get with the nature of this appointment I wouldn't be able to be given an absolute date as they were fitting me in. But I think it would be reasonable to expect an email or letter update every few months or whatever saying don't worry, you're still on the list for an appointment, we now think it'll be ....

Exactly! I’m waiting for several hospital appointments that have gone past their estimated timeframe. I have noticed lately that it’s difficult to book a hospital appointment for a specific date. The receptionist usually says that we’ll send you a letter in two months or whatever. I was told that hospital consultants don’t always run clinics on specific dates the way they used to. Apparently they just tell their secretary or whoever that they will have time for x number of people on such and such a date, so the letter gets sent then.

Waiting for things is really difficult, especially when you don't know exactly when they'll happen. It's like being in a state of constantly bracing yourself for the thing to happen, so your mind can't rest properly.

I get really worked up when I can't meet a timeframe myself, whereas the people I work with are less bothered. They're very much of the attitude that a deadline doesn't necessarily need to be met if noone has chased them. But if everyone held up their end of the timeframe, it would make everything much easier for everyone down the line!

I hope you hear about that appointment soon :)

Ironically, the appointment is for therapy.

My difficulty is - I know I'm being rigid. I know rationally that it has happened before so therefore is likely to happen again. I know that people can't predict the future and therefore some flexibility is needed. But there is a part of my brain that just can't accept any of that. It's like the date given is absolute fact and it feels so wrong when the date has passed. 

I don't know how, when you have all the rational thoughts, you can make your brain be more flexible. It's not like I don't understand or can't see that my expectations need to be lowered.

Yes! Same. I hate it when you have to remind people to do things. Some people are so unbothered and others respond as if you are the issue. Just do the thing you said you'd do.

I think a lot of it comes down to what people see as important. To me a timeframe is really important so I'd try to give an accurate timeframe and would update if it was going to change. But for a lot of people the timeframe is just not a priority so they can't see that it would be important information to someone else and therefore don't understand how bothersome it is when the timeframe isn't kept to. 

I once knew someone who was always significantly late. Now don't get me wrong, I understand this can be a difficulty for some people. But i found it difficult to turn up at a time and wait for long periods so I started to ask whether that was the realistic meeting time or whether it would likely be later. I got a very negative reaction and the person was very put out that I might find the lateness difficult. I found this unfair. If timekeeping was something she found hard and she explained this and let me know the time would like be later than the one we said then I'd have found it much easier. But my needs were completely disregarded and i was really baffled by it.

I get with the nature of this appointment I wouldn't be able to be given an absolute date as they were fitting me in. But I think it would be reasonable to expect an email or letter update every few months or whatever saying don't worry, you're still on the list for an appointment, we now think it'll be ...... amount of time. I get this would create more work for admin staff but I think it would be much easier for those waiting.

I can’t understand why an accurate time frame can’t be given for many things and scenarios, although I understand why some timeframes need to be estimates.

Like your situation with a spring appointment, I have had situations where the promised appointments to be don’t always materialise within the estimated timeframe, so the whole waiting game even from before the timeframe has expired is unsettling.

If someone says something will take so long, why can’t it take that long? People say they’ll do something on a particular day but they don’t always do it and then they don’t seem to think it’s an issue. I don’t think my expectations are anything to do with rigidity, I think it’s reasonable to accept as fact what people tell me.

Generally, I think that people have become less accurate these days, not only with timeframes, but also with accuracy of information. For example, the BBC’s News App often has content cut and pasted so that the meaning of the news article is elusive or it’s impossible to tell who said what.

I feel exactly the same way. When someone says they'll take "this long", I expect them to be done by then. And when said time frame arrives and they haven't done what they said they'd do, it makes me super frustrated

Yes I find that difficult and much easier to manage life with specific times or deadlines. If I am speaking to someone who gives me a vague timing I try to get a date for the latest likely time. This means that I know I would need to check I am still on the list after this date.

Absolutely nothing wrong with logical rational thinking. Some people call it rigid thinking. All you need to do is add a variability factor. As in, is the person telling me this overconfident in their opinion of their ability? A bit of experience of someone will tell you how to treat their comments. Add in the very real likelihood they are a bit of an exaggerater ( the platform won’t allow me to use the real description that involves male cows and manure) and you can factor in a more realistic. 

Does that make sense?.

Expecto_Patronum said:

My thinking is rigid so if someone says it'll take this long, my brain expects it to take that long.

If you experience this thing where something happens repeatedly so you know it is unlikely to ever happen the way you think it should, do you think it more productive for you to change to expect the most probably outcome?

In your situation I would think it much more effective to get some help to manage my expectations as this has repeatedly turned out to be the reality, and while I sympathise with the desire for people to act as they say they will, it almost never happens in the real world.

My view is that my rigid ways of thinking were actually the source of the problem so I worked with a therapist to learn to be more accepting, flexible and align my expectation with experience. It has been so much more pleasant since this happened and I find my anxiety about people being late is much lower now.

This is just my experience of course, everyone is different.