wanting a partner but not having an innate desire.

Sorry nobody has responded to you about this question yet but I'll have a go at answering as I understand it.

aurelis said:

To give those friendships of the opposite sex up for a relationship doesn’t make sense to me.

You don't need to give up the friendship. I have found that relationships are a good 80% friendship and the other 20% is around romance and desire, especially as you get older.

Once the initial attraction of the romantic / physical element starts to fade then you need to have a solid base of friendship to make the relationship work, so it may be best to focus on this, communicate it to any potential partner and make sure they are in alignment with this.

It is something you are likely to talk about early on in the "exploring and understanding each other" part of the relationship, where you often spend a lot of time on dating apps chat or WhatsApp getting to know one another.  I would say you need to manage the potential partners expectation this way and clearly communicate what you want and make sure you listen to what the other partner wants too. If you find a good match then you have a solid base to start out from.

aurelis said:

I’ve had romantic advances, which because I wasn’t sure how to navigate, I navigated away from in a very masking way, until I struggled to mentally breathe and find what I really wanted.

I would recommend asking if you are not sure. Ask them to be clear and direct in discussion as you respect them and want them to do the same for you. You may be surprised how much you learn this way - it certainly has helped me understand my partner.

Masking if really just acting - you are not being honest with the other person about how you feel about something. It is not conducive to a good frindship or relationship so I would encourage you to be honest and not mask if you possibly can manage it. Your partner is likely to appreciate your integrity by doing this.

aurelis said:

I want to grow with someone in a romantic way, but without compromising on the essence of me

Keeping people in the "friend zone" will never let you grow romantically so I would try to work on what makes you feel desire (emotional or physical) and become able to identify it. This will help you focus on the sort of partner you want. 

If you are using dating apps then make a point of saying exactly what you are looking for and if the other person is not this then let then down gently and move onto the next candidate. It is all about filtering to find the right match but it can provide good results.

If you are not entirely sure what you desire then I would recommend spending time with a therapist who understands autism and work through this with them. Learn about yourself and this information will help you find the right match for you.

It may be you really just don't want a partner in the conventional sense and that is fine, but finding out what you actually want (free form societys expectations) will save a lot of energy and probably time.

Thank you for your reply! I’ll start by saying that i did speak to an autistic therapist about this, and they did give me some good perspective - especially on how i can find someone that I can unmask with, and that i should go for it.

I think in terms of desire…it’s there, and I really want to romantically share my love, but it feels clogged up, like a clogged pipe. I’m tied up from thinking of the other times I could’ve given it a go. My reassurance here is that I simply didn’t understand myself and was clogged up back then to know how to express how I felt deep down. I feel sad thinking about what experience I could’ve had, but I was busy thinking of other people’s feelings (for example, there was someone I liked, but because my friend liked them I didn’t want to get in their way. The same concern goes for not wanting to upset people who I think like me by not going for the relationship I want. Overthinking or what?). At the end of the day I will need to work out how to make peace with the past, but whilst finding a way to not carry it into the future.

i don’t think I try to keep people in the friend zone as such. I think I just like being friends with people. And navigating the “sparks” with someone is something I wasn’t sure how to operate. But I’d say that with everyone I meet, I t er as far as I can to invest in getting to know them. Hence, past people who I could’ve had a relationship with that I had interest, I channeled it into a friendship that feels long lasting and mutual. I’m grateful for this if anything.

Im going to try asking - and opening up more directly. Theres someone at the moment that I am interested in, and I just sent them a message about going on another date, so it gives me space to be more open about where I am. So thanks for this message, it gave me some momentum. I am very nervous, in case I say too much and lose control a little haha. But it’s really important for me to get into the other side of this.

Thank you for your reply! I’ll start by saying that i did speak to an autistic therapist about this, and they did give me some good perspective - especially on how i can find someone that I can unmask with, and that i should go for it.

I think in terms of desire…it’s there, and I really want to romantically share my love, but it feels clogged up, like a clogged pipe. I’m tied up from thinking of the other times I could’ve given it a go. My reassurance here is that I simply didn’t understand myself and was clogged up back then to know how to express how I felt deep down. I feel sad thinking about what experience I could’ve had, but I was busy thinking of other people’s feelings (for example, there was someone I liked, but because my friend liked them I didn’t want to get in their way. The same concern goes for not wanting to upset people who I think like me by not going for the relationship I want. Overthinking or what?). At the end of the day I will need to work out how to make peace with the past, but whilst finding a way to not carry it into the future.

i don’t think I try to keep people in the friend zone as such. I think I just like being friends with people. And navigating the “sparks” with someone is something I wasn’t sure how to operate. But I’d say that with everyone I meet, I t er as far as I can to invest in getting to know them. Hence, past people who I could’ve had a relationship with that I had interest, I channeled it into a friendship that feels long lasting and mutual. I’m grateful for this if anything.

Im going to try asking - and opening up more directly. Theres someone at the moment that I am interested in, and I just sent them a message about going on another date, so it gives me space to be more open about where I am. So thanks for this message, it gave me some momentum. I am very nervous, in case I say too much and lose control a little haha. But it’s really important for me to get into the other side of this.

I think it’s not so much I’m not going to commit. It’s more like if I don’t try to express myself now, then I will basically always hold back. I feel what I need to do is be honest. I don’t think it’s that I don’t want to commit, but that navigating this involves a lot new feelings that I would like to be honest about. 

I can’t help but feel I’m being problematic for not just getting into a relationship by now. It seems simple for some, and it could be for me, and yet it isn’t.

In terms of meeting people and making friends, I do it regularly, and I have no problem introducing people to people - I love this. I suppose this is a natural flow for me, and it feels as if being in a relationship makes that another step to consider that feels more burdensome than beneficial. Not that I intend to hide - I think I have that essence of being completely committed to someone if I choose them, but it feels as if I’ll have to be cautious not to cause the other person to mistrust me, which feels more stressful than anything. Yet I understand that communication is important and I would like to honour that.

Maybe because it’s about the two of you, instead of just you as one, and because I’m used to moving as a solo person, it’s a struggle to wrestle to share a life with someone in such a way…

aurelis said:

wanting to be free is less of a flirting thing and more of a wanting to learn and explore. I always love to explore to learn new things and places - I’m just generally curious.

With the right partner you can explore a great deal within the boundaries of the relationship, even bringing other people in if you want to explore a group dynamic, but this all requires agreeent, discussion and planning. Don't feel that it is the end for exploration as I can speak from experience that there is a great deal you can do within a relationship if it is something that means a lot to you.

aurelis said:

I must say, there is a worry that I might be premature in my decision and there might be someone that’s more suited to me. Is this naive thinking? It seems like “looking for someone more suitable” is an endless pursuit and it’s probably not about that?

This can be a trap to fall into - there is never going to be a perfect someone but rather someone who fits the important criteria and who you are willing to work with to adapt to as time goes on. When you think about it, are you going to be the perfect person for them? Probably not so it is best to start with a good general fit and grow together.

aurelis said:

I think I should be honest about me not being able to commit yet.

If you are not going to commit then why even try? I would again recommend therapy to work through this and confirm if you can't commit, won't comit or just need help in working out how to commit.

I think I’ll try to pace conversation. So far, I tell her when we speaking to please stop me if I’m saying too much. I usually have it in mind as a general rule of thumb to give breathing space in conversations- even to allow the space if it gets awkward or silent. I love having the space to take time to gather my thoughts, and part of my unmasking is to take my time to get my thinking together.

wanting to be free is less of a flirting thing and more of a wanting to learn and explore. I always love to explore to learn new things and places - I’m just generally curious. I like to compliment and say good things about people, but I also like to ask questions to people and engage in a way that gets people to open up their true self. I don’t really flirt, but I always like to know new people.

i think because committing seems in the conventional sense to mean disengaging from others, I don’t align with it. I understand prioritising my partner, but why does that mean loving those around me less. Atleast that’s what I feel. 

I must say, there is a worry that I might be premature in my decision and there might be someone that’s more suited to me. Is this naive thinking? It seems like “looking for someone more suitable” is an endless pursuit and it’s probably not about that?

I think I should be honest about me not being able to commit yet. Only challenge is that it may mean I have to let someone go who I do want to be intentional with. It seems a hard push and pull

aurelis said:

I might end up asking lots of questions though. I realise many people don’t ask a lot of questions, and I wonder why they don’t.

I would recommend remembering to ask them if they have questions during the conversations - if you are anything like me you can keep on talking and not give them the opportunity to reply sometimes, especially when nervous.

Learning to pace the conversation and let the other side contribute as much as they need to is a grear way to build that rapport.

aurelis said:

With each person I meet now, I imagine the whole journey, including marriage, kids, growing old together, where we live. I’m torn between wanting to settle but wanting to be free. Can the two exist?

It is unlikely that any partner will tolerate you flirting (or more) with other people later in the relationship so there will be a level of commitment expected I would think. With the person you feel right with then this is rarely an issue as you feel like you want to be only theirs so the urge to be free is replaced with a feeling of belonging.

It is hard to explain until you have felt it, but if you don't feel this way then commiting while being unsure is not a good idea in my opinion. I made this mistake once and regretted it.

Good luck on your meeting.

Thank you! I think a lot of the clogged up is from not interested in looking for relationships, and then being put into situations where I don’t feel comfortable to express how I feel. So most of the time I’ve defaulted to a mindset of “they probably don’t like me” even if the signs are really clear. It’s the sort of serious self deprecation that I think has made me feel not good enough and afraid of making error in the journey.

This year, with this person, it’s the first time I decided to be a little selfish and go for it, as I felt that is what I wanted, and although I wanted to be cautious, I didn’t want to pretend that I didn’t feel something. I think that was a big step for me. And it seemed they were interested in me too…

I am afraid of rejection a little bit. I also feel somewhat undateable. Not because I can’t speak to the opposite sex, but because I think way too much about things. It’s just the way my mind works - and especially now I’m understanding myself more. I feel as if my full self is really intense, chaotically logical and I feel each day I have to nerf myself to avoid fully speeding off and away. With each person I meet now, I imagine the whole journey, including marriage, kids, growing old together, where we live. I’m torn between wanting to settle but wanting to be free. Can the two exist?

I will ask them to be open, good idea! I might end up asking lots of questions though. I realise many people don’t ask a lot of questions, and I wonder why they don’t. Maybe it’s because I need to build a clear understanding of things I ask lots of questions …

aurelis said:

I think in terms of desire…it’s there, and I really want to romantically share my love, but it feels clogged up, like a clogged pipe

This is the sort of thing a good psychotherapist will be able to help you work through, understand and process to the point you feel in touch with it and can express it the way you want to. 

It won't be a one visit solution though - I expect it will take a few visits and some uncomfortable conversations that are likely an essential part of the discovery process. I belive it is worth it though.

aurelis said:

Theres someone at the moment that I am interested in, and I just sent them a message about going on another date,

That is great - good luck! 

I would recommend asking them to be open, honest and direct so you understand what they mean when they communicate with you. Even if it is a NO then it is worth being clear about so you can understand why and grow from the knowledge.

Don't let any rejections stop you though. Every interaction is a chance to learn more about yourself and the way these things work so try to be upbeat about the journey even if there are difficult parts to it. It only makes you stronger if you approach it this way.