wanting a partner but not having an innate desire.

Sorry nobody has responded to you about this question yet but I'll have a go at answering as I understand it.

aurelis said:

To give those friendships of the opposite sex up for a relationship doesn’t make sense to me.

You don't need to give up the friendship. I have found that relationships are a good 80% friendship and the other 20% is around romance and desire, especially as you get older.

Once the initial attraction of the romantic / physical element starts to fade then you need to have a solid base of friendship to make the relationship work, so it may be best to focus on this, communicate it to any potential partner and make sure they are in alignment with this.

It is something you are likely to talk about early on in the "exploring and understanding each other" part of the relationship, where you often spend a lot of time on dating apps chat or WhatsApp getting to know one another.  I would say you need to manage the potential partners expectation this way and clearly communicate what you want and make sure you listen to what the other partner wants too. If you find a good match then you have a solid base to start out from.

aurelis said:

I’ve had romantic advances, which because I wasn’t sure how to navigate, I navigated away from in a very masking way, until I struggled to mentally breathe and find what I really wanted.

I would recommend asking if you are not sure. Ask them to be clear and direct in discussion as you respect them and want them to do the same for you. You may be surprised how much you learn this way - it certainly has helped me understand my partner.

Masking if really just acting - you are not being honest with the other person about how you feel about something. It is not conducive to a good frindship or relationship so I would encourage you to be honest and not mask if you possibly can manage it. Your partner is likely to appreciate your integrity by doing this.

aurelis said:

I want to grow with someone in a romantic way, but without compromising on the essence of me

Keeping people in the "friend zone" will never let you grow romantically so I would try to work on what makes you feel desire (emotional or physical) and become able to identify it. This will help you focus on the sort of partner you want. 

If you are using dating apps then make a point of saying exactly what you are looking for and if the other person is not this then let then down gently and move onto the next candidate. It is all about filtering to find the right match but it can provide good results.

If you are not entirely sure what you desire then I would recommend spending time with a therapist who understands autism and work through this with them. Learn about yourself and this information will help you find the right match for you.

It may be you really just don't want a partner in the conventional sense and that is fine, but finding out what you actually want (free form societys expectations) will save a lot of energy and probably time.

Sorry nobody has responded to you about this question yet but I'll have a go at answering as I understand it.

aurelis said:

To give those friendships of the opposite sex up for a relationship doesn’t make sense to me.

You don't need to give up the friendship. I have found that relationships are a good 80% friendship and the other 20% is around romance and desire, especially as you get older.

Once the initial attraction of the romantic / physical element starts to fade then you need to have a solid base of friendship to make the relationship work, so it may be best to focus on this, communicate it to any potential partner and make sure they are in alignment with this.

It is something you are likely to talk about early on in the "exploring and understanding each other" part of the relationship, where you often spend a lot of time on dating apps chat or WhatsApp getting to know one another.  I would say you need to manage the potential partners expectation this way and clearly communicate what you want and make sure you listen to what the other partner wants too. If you find a good match then you have a solid base to start out from.

aurelis said:

I’ve had romantic advances, which because I wasn’t sure how to navigate, I navigated away from in a very masking way, until I struggled to mentally breathe and find what I really wanted.

I would recommend asking if you are not sure. Ask them to be clear and direct in discussion as you respect them and want them to do the same for you. You may be surprised how much you learn this way - it certainly has helped me understand my partner.

Masking if really just acting - you are not being honest with the other person about how you feel about something. It is not conducive to a good frindship or relationship so I would encourage you to be honest and not mask if you possibly can manage it. Your partner is likely to appreciate your integrity by doing this.

aurelis said:

I want to grow with someone in a romantic way, but without compromising on the essence of me

Keeping people in the "friend zone" will never let you grow romantically so I would try to work on what makes you feel desire (emotional or physical) and become able to identify it. This will help you focus on the sort of partner you want. 

If you are using dating apps then make a point of saying exactly what you are looking for and if the other person is not this then let then down gently and move onto the next candidate. It is all about filtering to find the right match but it can provide good results.

If you are not entirely sure what you desire then I would recommend spending time with a therapist who understands autism and work through this with them. Learn about yourself and this information will help you find the right match for you.

It may be you really just don't want a partner in the conventional sense and that is fine, but finding out what you actually want (free form societys expectations) will save a lot of energy and probably time.

Thank you for your reply! I’ll start by saying that i did speak to an autistic therapist about this, and they did give me some good perspective - especially on how i can find someone that I can unmask with, and that i should go for it.

I think in terms of desire…it’s there, and I really want to romantically share my love, but it feels clogged up, like a clogged pipe. I’m tied up from thinking of the other times I could’ve given it a go. My reassurance here is that I simply didn’t understand myself and was clogged up back then to know how to express how I felt deep down. I feel sad thinking about what experience I could’ve had, but I was busy thinking of other people’s feelings (for example, there was someone I liked, but because my friend liked them I didn’t want to get in their way. The same concern goes for not wanting to upset people who I think like me by not going for the relationship I want. Overthinking or what?). At the end of the day I will need to work out how to make peace with the past, but whilst finding a way to not carry it into the future.

i don’t think I try to keep people in the friend zone as such. I think I just like being friends with people. And navigating the “sparks” with someone is something I wasn’t sure how to operate. But I’d say that with everyone I meet, I t er as far as I can to invest in getting to know them. Hence, past people who I could’ve had a relationship with that I had interest, I channeled it into a friendship that feels long lasting and mutual. I’m grateful for this if anything.

Im going to try asking - and opening up more directly. Theres someone at the moment that I am interested in, and I just sent them a message about going on another date, so it gives me space to be more open about where I am. So thanks for this message, it gave me some momentum. I am very nervous, in case I say too much and lose control a little haha. But it’s really important for me to get into the other side of this.