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Severe Burnout Recovery advice and encouragement needed please

Annah208

Hi, 

My name is Anna. 

Im a 43 year old married mum of two young boys (almost 4 and 8). 

I was diagnosed 11 years ago with Generalised anxiety disorder and Intrusive thoughts after a prolonged period of personal and professional stress. This saw me suffering with looping thoughts of a self harm nature with no desire or intent on harming myself. It took me over a year to get better using CBT. 

I have since had flare ups and bouts of intrusive thoughts and compulsions and health anxiety, none of which were too debilitating. 

At the beginning of last year i developed a twitch in my eye and face which I automatically jumped to the conclusion of being a terminal brain tumour. I obsessed and compulsed (Google research) so much it got to the stage of me having to be signed off work for 5 weeks while I underwent tests which thankfully ruled out anything serious. 

I work as a corporate insurance broker and my job is incredibly stressful compounded by absolutely insane company inefficiencies and a toxic positivity environment where it is frowned upon if you criticise the company processes.  

Since the birth of my youngest almost 4 years ago who we believe has ADHD.  my life has gotten progressively more stressful year on year. My husband works away so im practically a single parent 50% of the time with absolutely no respite- if im not in work, im taking care of the kids. I have zero social life and barely any help with the children. 

I forced myself back to work last year after the clear test results even though I was mentally still not well enough. I had zero support from my employer and was expected to pick up my caseload with no handover. I had extreme brain fog and cognitive issues. My job is extremely technical so i had to work over my hours to try and catch back up despite me struggling. 

This level of stress continued until late October when I experienced what I can only describe as complete collapse / nervous breakdown. 

I was having back to back panic attacks, insomnia, zero appetite resulting in losing 2 stone in month and looping intrusive thoughts that I was that out of control I was going to go mad and harm myself. 

I was eventually seen by a psychiatrist in early January who diagnosed GAD, Panic disorder, health anxiety, intrusive thoughts (although further investigation needed for a full OCD diagnosis) and depression. In addition he also said I have traits of both Autism and ADHD. The latter two did not come as a surprise to me as both my half sisters (maternal and patetnal) have AuDHD diagnoses and we suspect both my mum and dad as being somewhere on the spectrum too. 

In hindsight, I believe what im experiencing is Autistic Burnout as i have severe sensory sensitivities when my anxiety levels are high, have become unable to deal with anybody challenging me / disagreeing or debating with me, cannot properly look after my youngest as his behaviour feels too overwhelming.

I have been taking mirtazapine since just before Christmas which helped to restore my appetite and sleep and have reduced the panic attacks from the crisis levels they were once at but i remain severely anxious and I continue to have these looping catastrophic thoughts which are really getting me down. 

I have been having CBT for the last 12 months with very limited effect. Knowing now that I am probably neurodivergent, it makes sense why there has been limited success with CBT and Ive just this week started seeing a neuro-affirming therapist in the hopes we can target my psychotherapy appropriately. 

The reason for my post though is just to see if anybody can offer any words of reassurance that this problem is fixable. I feel utterly broken and a shell of my former high functioning self. 

I do not intend to return to my job as I feel it has played the biggest part in my downfall. 

Please if anybody has any words of hope and encouragement or advhce they can offer, I'd be most grateful. 

Thanks in advance 

Anna 

  • in reply to Annah208
    Annah208 said:
    Sorry for the very late reply.

    That's OK Anna I think that I understand the experience that you may be having and why things take longer.

    Best wishes to you.

    Andrew

  • in reply to Phased

    Hi, 

    Sorry for the very late reply.

    Thank you so much for taking the time to provide such a detailed response. Its very helpful. 

    I will look into your suggestions and see what i can come up with. 

    Thanks again and hope you're making progress to recovery 

    Anna 

  • Hi  

    Well done for reaching out.

    I am confident that admin will pass on web-links that will certainly be a source of help.

    Personally I found that thinking of things in the following way helps

    Summary Table: Window Dynamics
    State  Window of Tolerance (WoT) Window of Capability (Skills)
    Regulated Wide; able to process stress and sensory input. High; full access to executive functions.
    Dysregulated Overwhelmed; in "fight/flight" or "freeze" mode. Reduced; loss of complex communication and focus.
    Burnout Minimal; easily triggered by minor stimuli. Critical Loss; significant regression in daily living skills.

    I suspect that you already may have a handle on this.

    Personally I came to acknowledge a strategy that:  "To "survive burnout phoenix-style" means to recover and rise from it by first prioritizing rest and self-care, then setting realistic expectations and boundaries, seeking support from others, and finally reflecting on and reassessing your goals to rebuild a more balanced life that aligns with your values. This process takes time and involves self-reflection, reconnecting with passions, and celebrating small wins to find renewed joy and meaning"

    How one goes about that is naturally a personal journey. 

    For me I have taken try simply trying to learn how to recite this strategy - a bit like a map to recovery.

    Finding and defining your own map I think might be a way to a better place.

    For me I am really understanding how getting organised about this is really important.

    So to give an example of how I'm doing things for recovery myself now:

    Well, in response to your post just now I have asked a large language model ai to break the strategy down into separate headings then come up with mantra, affirmations in each category e.g.

    Category 1: Prioritising Rest
    • Mantra: "I rest so I can rise."
    • Daily Affirmation: "I deserve to take breaks to care for my wellbeing. Rest is not lazy; it is essential, and I do not need to earn it to deserve it".
    • Daily Affirmation: "My worth is not measured by my productivity; taking care of myself today helps me show up better tomorrow"

    etc.

    It's even come up with a daily plan for me to focus on a catagory from the map to recovery on different days of the week

    Anyway - maybe you get the idea?

    It's working for me you see :-)

    Anyway

    I'm interested to learn what you come up with as your strategy statement for recovery if you choose to make one.

    I'm interested to learn what the values and passions are that fuel you along the way.

    My very best wishes to you and yours. :-)

  • in reply to Annah208

    Please don't blame yourself for not spotting the signs earlier. I believe that most of us don't see the doom coming until it’s already here. Because many of us learn from childhood to mask and push through discomfort, we often lose the connection with our bodies (decreased interoception). We stop noticing the warning signs because we are so used to the constant exhaustion of trying to fit into a world that wasn't built for us. When the crash finally happens, we fall hard.

    I suspect my wife is on the verge of a similar crash, and watching someone you love tumble toward that edge without being able to stop them is incredibly difficult. It seems many of us only learn the true limits of our systems after a major fall.

    My situation is slightly more manageable because I don't have children, but even so, I've had to make significant changes. Moving to self-employment was my cushion. It gave me the flexibility to listen when my body whispers for rest instead of waiting for it to scream. For women, I believe this is even more complex, as hormonal changes can drastically shift your sensory threshold and energy levels.

    Two years ago, I couldn’t see a way forward. I thought that I couldn't continue like that and that people around me would be somehow better without me. After twin years of trying to recover, I still haven't regained a fraction of my old energy (and maybe I will never be able to), and I am still living on fumes most days, but with my therapist and a better understanding of my body and mind, I’ve found a way to continue. This makes me think that it is possible for you to find a fulfilling life again, too. It will likely look very different from your old one, but it can be a life where you feel at peace rather than like a nervous wreck. Take it one small small step at a time. Best wishes. 

  • in reply to Annah208

    Hi Anna,

    I was physically fatigued from trying to stay on top after previous illness, but then became less effective as my working memory and executive functioning started to misfire. This led to some criticism at work, which triggered my RSD, increased sensory overload issues and eventual major issues with anxiety before my nervous system blew a fuse one night and I found myself deeply exhausted (physically, mentally and emotionally), scared and barely functioning.

    Your description of your episode of ill health resonates and I sense your self-diagnosis of autistic burnout may be correct (certainly worth professional and personal exploration).

    Hope this helps and please be compassionate towards yourself as you work your way through all this.

  • in reply to leveller61

    Hi, 

    Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. Im glad you're starting to pick up. 

    If you don't mind me asking, how did your Burnout present? Did you feel anxious or were you more physically exhausted?.

    Thanks 

    Anna 

  • Hi Anna, 

    I am AuDHD and recovering from a big burnout which started in November after diagnosis and multiple pressures - work, relationship, bereavement and my own physical health. I know how debilitating it can be and I offer you solidarity. After a period of rest, I am now pottering and start to find moments of joy in interests I had before overworking got in the way. Elite level masking is a great skill - especially in corporate environments - but it's exhausting, isn't it! I am starting to experiment with unmasking and being more fully myself, and unlearning people-pleasing, as I think that will prove healthier. Maybe that might be something for you to think about too? Getting a neuro-affirming therapist is a great step and I hope they can be a great help to you. Returning to a more active life is certainly possible - though our bodies tell us via burnout that changes are necessary. It sounds like your employer failed you and didn't honour your needs. Now you get the chance to find a different way. Good luck and keep us posted.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you so much for your kind words. 

    In hindsight this has been brewing slowly for the last 5ish years I'd say, but I never thought it was possible to become so unwell due to stress. What is now blatantly obvious is that I've been elite level masking for my entire life and it's drained the life out of me which I'm really quite sad about.

    I'm not intending to go back to my old job or even industry. The thought of it terrifies me. 

    I just want to go back to being able to regulate my emotions, being a good and capable mum and stop being so impacted by even small comments made by people off the cuff for example. 

    Thanks again for taking the time to respond. 

    Anna 

  • in reply to counterpoint

    Thanks so much for your insight. 

    At this moment in time id do anything just to be able to sit and be content instead of being the nervous wreck i now am. I realise now how my old life, my job in particular, was depleting me to the point of breakdown. I just wish I had put measures and commitments in place to take a step back when the first signs of things becoming unsustainable started to show. We got used to me earning a pretty good wage and that took priority over my own health and wellbeing which I now deeply regret. 

    I just hope I can get back to a place where I can manage taking care of my kids and being a nice person to be around without people having to second guess what state I am to avoid me shutting down or going into a panic attack 

  • in reply to Annah208

    Sorry I should also have said ive got propranolol too which i take as and when I need it. The thing i find frustrating is that it only mildly helps with the physical anxiety symptoms and not the mental ones. 

    Im giving the mirtazapine 30mg dose another 2 weeks as by then I will have been on that particular dose 6 weeks before I make a call whether its benefitting me other than for sleep and appetite. I then have the option to add in sertraline which my psychiatrist says is effective for the looping thoughts. 

  • in reply to Bluelyn

    Hi Bluelyn, thanks for taking the time to reply. Sorry to hear you're going through it too - I do hope you improve soon. 

    Thanks 

    Anna

  • in reply to Bunny

    Thank you for the resources. I will have a look over each of them 

    Best wishes 

    Anna 

  • Hey Anna,

    Just wanted to reply to say hang in there. Taking some time off to recover sounds good, as everyone is saying, you need to find a new balance so you can recover and not be floored again by burnout. The more you can discover about yourself and work out what your system can cope with, the more even you can feel, though it does take a lot longer than you think to recover from burnout.  

    I hope you can step back and just concentrate on you and your family, as even looking after the kids will be more than enough to deal with! Especially 4, that is a busy age!

    Take it easy and take care!

  • I am so sorry you are going through this. I’ve been seeing a neuro-affirming therapist for five months, and it has helped me enormously.

    Regarding 'fixing' burnout, I’ve started to think of it not as something to recover from back to our old selves, but as a turning point. I think that trying to return to that high-functioning state is often what keeps us in the loop. It’s like a wound that changes how we move, and leads to ever greater exhaustion. My current burnout started five (or more) years ago, and after unsuccessfully trying to get back to my old self, I’ve had to accept a new normal.

    I do feel like a failure often, but I’m realising that I simply may not be able to do better in the way I used to. I’m still reinterpreting my goals. Instead of overcoming every challenge at an ever-higher cost, I am building a life around what I can do sustainably. My life is much smaller now, and it isn't exciting by my old standards.

    Accepting that I might not be that person again was hard, but it allowed me to finally stop the collapse. With radical changes and a focus on manageable rather than exceptional (or ideal), functionality returns in a more stable way. I hope your new therapist helps you find a way forward and that you feel the weight lifting soon.

  • Hi Anna 

    I've been in extreme burnout since September, I have to permanently wear headphones to block noise, and I also can not cope with being challenged 

    I brought a book called the autistic burnout workbook I think bunny has linked to it below and it has helped me identify triggers 

    I've also been listening to music via a program called the listening program, I don't know if it's helping but I'm giving it a go 

    I'm also on Mirtazapine but I'm asking to be taken of it, I'm feeling to angry in it, I do also take propanadol which I take in advance of anything I know is going to cause me distress 

    And then I'm trying to increase my torlance to things that triggers me like noise, and the success of that is down to how tired I feel and what else is happening if I can toralate the noise 

    I'm in different position to use i don't have children to care for and I have been able to reduce all demands, but I can't reduce noise, my current state started in September 

  • Hi Anna and welcome to the community.

    I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. 

    Annah208 said:
    In hindsight, I believe what im experiencing is Autistic Burnout

    Alongside ongoing support from your GP, you might find these NAS resources helpful:

    NAS - Autistic fatigue and burnout

    NAS Professional Practice - Understanding autistic burnout

    There's also some great (free) advice here from Dr Megan Neff - a neurodivergent author, who's also a clinician and advocate:

    Autistic Burnout Recovery: How to Build a Recovery Plan

    I also have this book of hers. It's very user-friendly, including lots of diagrams and worksheets:

    The Autistic Burnout Workbook: Your Guide to Your Personal Recovery Plan