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Hiya ️ thank you so much for this. I will check out the book x apologies for the lack of a post. I got nervous after I posted it and couldn’t delete so edited it. I’m so glad that I’ve still managed to get such brilliant support. Thank you again and I will indeed recommend that community to my partner at my earliest opportunity. Thank you x take care. 

Hi and welcome to the community! 

Unfortunately, I can't see your original post, because it's been edited out. But, from what I can gather from some of the replies, I thought I'd just mention this book, which I've personally found useful (as the autistic one in my relationship).

It focuses on helping couples in which one partner is autistic to improve their relationships through better mutual understanding and communication, complete with exercises that can be completed and discussed, if you wish:

Loving Someone with Asperger's Syndrome: Understanding and Connecting with your Partner

(It was written when "Asperger's" was still a diagnostic term, whereas it's now simply diagnosed as autism / Autism Spectrum Disorder).

Caveat: between one issue / scenario and the next, the author keeps switching the couple around. In one scenario, the male is autistic, but in the next it's the female, etc. This can be confusing, and I kept needing to check "which person is autistic this time?". It's not the only such book to have been written in that way, and I found it frustrating - but still a very worthwhile read.

You could also perhaps consider some couples counselling, led by an autism-experienced counsellor.

Also guessing / "reading between the lines" from some of the previous replies, your partner might find the advice here helpful - as well as perhaps joining (or just browsing) this community:

NAS - After diagnosis

They really did. And I absolutely understand your disclaimer. Everyone’s experience is different but just having these tips and advice from someone with lived experience is helping me so much to pick my way through this. I feel so much  lighter. With some definite things I can do now (photos music etc) and things for the future like silent calls etc. this is so so helpful and I am so grateful that you took so much tome  to reply and help. This  is so kind and means so much. Thank you so much. 

I’m glad my words gave you some hope. Please keep in mind my disclaimer that I can't know what he is experiencing. I can only share what helps me.

Regarding your day-to-day contact, I'd keep it light and factual. I'd avoid questions like 'How are you?' because for someone with alexithymia (like myself, and what is quite common in autism), that question can feel like being asked to solve a complex equation while exhausted. Instead, send simple data, a nice photo of a walk, or a brief note that you're okay. This shows you are managing your own life, which may lower his guilt and help him co-regulate.

For digital parallel play, here are some examples of low-demand ways to share space:

Music/podcast sharing. Share a song or a playlist with a note: 'Listening to this, no need to reply.' It’s a way of sharing an atmosphere. You could even listen to the same ebook or podcast separately.

Reading aloud. Reading a book or poetry aloud together (even over a video call) provides a shared focus that doesn't require direct interaction. I love it.

Gaming and screen sharing. If he likes gaming, ask if you can watch him play via screen share. It’s often easier to talk about the game than 'serious' topics.

The 'digital window'. Being on a silent video call while you both do separate things (reading, cooking, gardening, painting, working etc) provides presence without the demand of performance.

Asynchronous games. Chess can be somehow high pressure, but a shared puzzle or crossword where moves can wait for days might be gentler.

Meme and photo sharing. I'd send small, interesting things with an explicit 'no reply needed' note.

Walk sharing. You could take a walk and take some pictures to share with him with some brief descriptions and reflections. Again, with a 'no need to reply/comment' note.

I guess that seeing you at peace and looking after yourself may be the best gift you can give him. Also, you can't pour from an empty cup. Your stability may become his anchor. Saying that, please do anything that helps you protect your energy and resume your life.

I'm sorry you're going through such a difficult and rough time. My very best wishes. 

Hello again! Thank you for this message. I will always hold up the light. And it makes me feel better they he’s already responding to that. He’s asking me to keep in touch. Thanks re asking questions. I do have another one to ask for uou and others if there okay ? Take care x and thank you again xxx 

Hello there. Oh my goodness I read your reply this morning and it gave me so much hope. So much hope. And so full of good advice. You have said so much that is helpful to me. I can’t thank you enough for putting so much effort into your reply. 

what you said about logically you know you care but not having the energy, this felt so like what I am experiencing with my partner. He is the most caring and loving man and that has been a struggle. If he can love me as much as he does but not able to tell me. Not able to see me - I was questioning that. Because life every day since 21st dec has been very difficult. I have had to do so much work on my mental health, which was really good before this happened. So this has made it make sense. The exhaustion. I tell him I love him when I email him but he hasn’t said it back to me. He sends me love and hugs. And a heart emoji. But he can’t seem to say it. 

it’s so interesting that you said about failing at the relationship rather than a rejection. My nephew said something similar. He is autistic but very young and not in a relationship. My feelings of rejection grow less as the weeks go by and I start to understand. 

Once I found out about his autism diagnosis, instinctively i knew I had to remove all pressure. I’ve not made any demands at all and am just sharing what I’m doing. Telling him I miss him and I love him and I’ll be waiting for him when he’s got through this. 

I need to think of ways we can share space  digitally? Other than emailing. If you or anyone has any ideas. We always played chess together and I did send him a game but he hasn’t responded. I might suggest he sends me a link when he’s up to it. I’m just so relived the the had asked me to keep him up to date with what I’m doing. An invitation to keep the communication channels open and this feels so much better. 

He doesn’t have to feel like a failure with me. All of the things that made me suspect he has autism are the things I love about him that most. I’ve never met such a beautiful soul. 

thank you again. Im so grateful. I wonder if I could ask your advice about one more thing to do with him, if that’s not too exhausting? X take care 

I've seen your post earlier and have been thinking about what you wrote about your situation, but I'm unsure if I can say anything helpful.

I certainly can't know exactly what is happening with your partner, but I can share a perspective from my own experience.

When I am exhausted and overwhelmed, when everything feels too much and the world is too loud, being with people becomes extremely difficult. I often dissociate, and in that state, showing interest or care requires an immense amount of energy I simply don't have. It can feel like pretending, which is tragic because logically I know I care, but I am temporarily disconnected from the feeling.

In these moments, I might hide from everyone to avoid coming across as cold or failing to meet expectations. The guilt of failing at the relationship makes the burden even heavier. It isn't a rejection of the other person, it is an inability to process myself.

If I could suggest anything, it would be to offer him your presence with zero expectations. Let him know he can be in the same space (or the same digital space) without needing to talk, perform, or play together. If you can become part of his safe space rather than an additional 'demand' on his energy (I'm not saying that you're a demand, but for a system that it's already on its knees, everything seems like an unbridgeable gap/obstacle), it may help him find his way back to you. I hope you find a way through this together.

It can be very hard, like going through a dark tunnel, trying to find yourself, but I think your gentle approach is like holding up a light that he can see and try to reach. I truely wish you the best, and do feel free to stick around and ask more questions, they are always welcome, it helps bridge that gap across neurotypes! All the best! x

Hello there 

thank you so much for such a beautiful message. I feel like I’ve lost my right arm. It’s so hard that he’s removed himself from me. I panic Sometimes. But yes I so want to understand and support him. He’s a beautiful soul. It’s so hard. I’ve not seen him since 16th December not spoken to him since 21st December. Just a few emails. That’s it. I am going to hang on in there. There’s nothing else I can do but wait and be there for him. I just hope he still wants us when he’s got through this. 
Thank you x take care x 

Hi, I just wanted to say this earlier, and I'm sorry I didn't, but I thought your message was lovely for trying so hard to understand, and I thought you were doing all the right things, even though it must be incredibly hard on you. I think if you can keep it up, you will both get there, but I hope you could get some support in the mean time, as it is hard on you too, and it's good to talk about it.  It's okay to ask questions, it shows you are willing to meet him halfway, which is a brave and beautiful thing. If you can find ways to look after yourself, you will be doing the best for you both. 

Take care x

Thank you so much

Hi and welcome to the community - I'm sorry to hear about your situation.

Here is the NAS guide for partners of autistic people, which I hope many be of some help:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/family-life-and-relationships/family-life/partners