Hello! You can call me Belial if you want,
I am an 18 year old autistic adult, I also struggle with OCD, ADHD, anxiety and other things. I have dealt with severe loneliness and isolation my entire life.
I am homeschooled, only ever been to public school throughout 9th to 10th grade. I have always struggled academically, I have learning disorders that make it to where I severely struggle with math and biology. I have always struggled to socialize, whether that's I have put people off by acting unusual, being overly affectionate or overly enthusiastic / excited. I am often deemed as too loud and I always make relationships too close rather than what they should be to a normal person. It is very very hard for me to maintain a steady friendship. I need to be close and feel connected or I push them away immediately and I hate small talk. I have always liked things more than the normal amount to other people, and I find it hard to have conversations where the other person does not want to talk about my interests sometimes, depending on who the person is.
I have had multiple friends when I was little and growing up from my old church. But we all drifted apart, or they moved away.. As my autism signs were more prominent as I got older. But I have had these two family friends, daughters of my parents friends. They have always been a bit older, about 2-4 years older than me. As a kid I tried hard to talk to them often but they would seem to enjoy each others company more than mine. Then as I got older, one of them has kind of stopped replying to my texts completely. One of them , let's call her J, she texts back sometimes, but not as often, which I get cause she is busy a lot .But it's like.. when it's literally anyone else she makes so much time for them. My other friend, let's call her L, she is unemployed, she never interacts with me. She only hangs out with me when my sister is there. They got me a gift from one of my special interests, (FNaF) almost 2 months ago and I am still waiting for it, whilst theyve hung out so many times since then. It's like when it comes to me, they never want to be around me .
And what sucks a lot is that when I talk to my family about this they tell me I need to be considerate since people are busy, which I don't disagree with cause I understand that. I just know they could make time for me cause they both enjoy time together a lot and as well as with my older sister. They always seem to have SOME excuse as to why we can't be together. "I have to go to the store." "I have work" "I'm sick" EVERY SINGLE TIME. I know I shouldn't care about what people think about me but for some reason I do too much.. cause I have been avoided my entire life. I honestly just wish I had someone I could call a best friend. I crave to be around people but at the same time it's so hard. The term "high functioning" is difficult because I truly do struggle. It's just that nobody really understands me, and nobody tries to.
I constantly try masking around people, it is really hard to at times. But even when I do, it's like they can tell or something. No matter what I do to try and hide the fact that I have autism, they always see through it and I have had so many experiences of people just flat out ignoring me to my face because of how different I am.
I understand that people usually tend to naturally go to people more like them, like a neurotypical would to a neurotypical for example. But I wish they would at least tell me they feel uncomfortable around me. I wouldn't get so depressed about it. I just have only ever wanted friends..
Thank you for whoever read this, have a good day!!
