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ASD Level 1 severe loneliness

batbelial

 Hello! You can call me Belial if you want, 

I am an 18 year old autistic adult, I also struggle with OCD, ADHD, anxiety and other things. I have dealt with severe loneliness and isolation my entire life.

 I am homeschooled, only ever been to public school throughout 9th to 10th grade. I have always struggled academically, I have learning disorders that make it to where I severely struggle with math and biology. I have always struggled to socialize, whether that's I have put people off by acting unusual, being overly affectionate or overly enthusiastic / excited. I am often deemed as too loud and I always make relationships too close rather than what they should be to a normal person. It is very very hard for me to maintain a steady friendship. I need to be close and feel connected or I push them away immediately and I hate small talk. I have always liked things more than the normal amount to other people, and I find it hard to have conversations where the other person does not want to talk about my interests sometimes, depending on who the person is.

I have had multiple friends when I was little and growing up from my old church. But we all drifted apart, or they moved away.. As my autism signs were more prominent as I got older. But I have had these two family friends, daughters of my parents friends. They have always been a bit older, about 2-4 years older than me. As a kid I tried hard to talk to them often but they would seem to enjoy each others company more than mine. Then as I got older, one of them has kind of stopped replying to my texts completely.  One of them , let's call her J, she texts back sometimes, but not as often, which I get cause she is busy a lot .But it's like.. when it's literally anyone else she makes so much time for them. My other friend, let's call her L, she is unemployed, she never interacts with me. She only hangs out with me when my sister is there. They got me a gift from one of my special interests, (FNaF) almost 2 months ago and I am still waiting for it, whilst theyve hung out so many times since then. It's like when it comes to me, they never want to be around me . 

And what sucks a lot is that when I talk to my family about this they tell me I need to be considerate since people are busy, which I don't disagree with cause I understand that. I just know they could make time for me cause they both enjoy time together a lot and as well as with my older sister. They always seem to have SOME excuse as to why we can't be together. "I have to go to the store." "I have work"  "I'm sick" EVERY SINGLE TIME. I know I shouldn't care about what people think about me but for some reason I do too much.. cause I have been avoided my entire life. I honestly  just wish I had someone I could call a best friend. I crave to be around people but at the same time it's so hard. The term "high functioning" is difficult because I truly do struggle.  It's just that nobody really understands me, and nobody tries to.

I constantly try masking around people, it is really hard to at times. But even when I do, it's like they can tell or something. No matter what I do to try and hide the fact that I have autism, they always see through it and I have had so many experiences of people just flat out ignoring me to my face because of how different I am.

I understand that people usually tend to naturally go to people more like them, like a neurotypical would to a neurotypical for example. But I wish they would at least tell me they feel uncomfortable around me. I wouldn't get so depressed about it. I just have only ever wanted friends.. 

Thank you for whoever read this, have a good day!!

  • in reply to profdanger

    To me functioning sounds like a description of a device,  it somehow does not fit a human being in my opinion. I myself can use IT language when talking about my thoughts or other brain activity, but still the term 'functioning' is somehow negative to me. I also red "high functioning depression" and if I understood correctly,  it means that the person can well mask their depression,  so others don't see it. So here I'm not sure if the high functioning relates to abilities to mask, or ability to do basic tasks such as cooking, cleaning, etc? These may be two different things.  I'm not good at masking, I still get questions if I can speak, or people change their seats after seeing my stimming (in a bus) but I can cook, clean home etc. Maybe there us someone who can't do these things but can mask pretty well so it's not that visible from outside that there is something going on. I'm wondering which if us is the high functioning,  or maybe both but with different needs.

  • in reply to profdanger

    No exactly I know what you mean!! I don't like the term high-functioning either because no matter what level, we all require unconditional love and support from people!! 

    And thank you so much for your support. I really need it right now XD I have been trying to seek out more friends!! I just sometimes find it hard to seek out friends and talk to people cause I just generally struggle with socialization, even though I love to make friends. If thatmade sense?

  • in reply to Orangegnome

    Thank you so much!! My goal by finding this website was hopefully to reach out to more people who can relate to me, cause I just sometimes feel so alone you know? I know other people can relate to some of the things that I go through too, even though sometimes I feel like, "I feel like this is such a specific thing, how could anyone understand?" , and then I just thought about it, and I decided to reach out for help and support from people to see who else has really been through this stuff. If that makes sense?:)

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    No I completely understand that though!! When I actually am included in conversations then it can be hard to keep up with what people are saying because for me I have a hard time seeming interested to the other person cause I just generally am bad at seeming like I am interested, even though I actually am! Or I will have a hard time thinking about what the other person is actually saying cause I will be too excited about talking about my interests to them so it can make it hard to maintain conversations, and I generally am just a really awkward person.

  • Hi Belial, welcome to the community. It's sad and difficult what you are experiencing. My experience is quite different, im usually being perceived as not interested,  angry, too shy etc. And I also struggle with friendships. At times it happens to me to hijack a whole conversation and talk too much about some topic. I also experienced something similar with my cousin and sister- they both enjoyed their own company and I was never included. I wish you make some friends or at least penpals here. Maybe you have access to a local support group- maybe they would help.

  • Your post is tough to read… it’s so hard when people aren’t alway kind to others. I have been through something a little similar when I was young (I am quite old now face with hand over mouth). I would say maybe try different ways to make new friends, either online or at any events you go to. When you meet new people don’t start off expecting too much from them, see how things go slowly. 
    I hope you can find some help for the loneliness on here, usually people reply and like a chat… I know it isn’t the same though. 

  • Good morning from America Belial!

    batbelial said:
    The term "high functioning" is difficult because I truly do struggle.

    This is a big reason why I prefer the term “low support” over “high functioning.” All of us with ASD need some level of support that NTs do not, but some need more than others. “High functioning” on the other hand feels a bit more subjective to me.

    I’m sorry to hear that you have been struggling with making and keeping friends. It’s a tough position that you are in. Sometimes it just takes time to find the right person/group. I wouldn’t advise to completely avoid NTs, but maybe seeking out ND friends through community events and social groups could be a good change of pace for you. It is possible for us Autistics to have lasting relationships with NTs and NDs, but both can be difficult, too.