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Struggling at work

FireflyPrincess

Is anyone else having a really hard time at work? I've started a new job and I absolutely love most of the team and the actual job but I'm really struggling with some members of the team. 

I'm still new and learning and don't tend to respond well to harsh overly sarcastic feedback and jokes along the lines of 'have you finally done something right'. I do absolutely want to learn and want to be told how to improve but the tone certain team members use has really upset me on multiple occasions. 

Recently when discussing this with the person and a supportive team leader the person said something incredibly hurtful and told me that I need to toughen up because they are like that with everyone and can't be expected to change for me. 

I really hate the that's just what they are like thing. It doesn't mean it's okay. My (also autistic) best friend says it's bullying and I need to raise this to my manager (who is aware as they've been informed of this previously). I hate to think I'm causing problems for them and I just don't feel like it would go anywhere. The more supportive team members are already aware I am autistic and now this person is too but I really felt like I was forced to disclose this while not being entirely comfortable. It just feels like such a mess and I'm going to have this problem anywhere I go.

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  • FireflyPrincess said:
    Recently when discussing this with the person and a supportive team leader the person said something incredibly hurtful and told me that I need to toughen up because they are like that with everyone and can't be expected to change for me. 

    This is a tricky on as you have on one hand your request for the person to be nicer to you but on the other the persons right to their behaviour as well which can be considered a "realists" behaviour rather than bullying. It all depends on who is interpriting it.

    Your team leader is the one who should be addressing this so have a talk with them and ask their opinion. If they won't support your request to make the other person change their approach then you probably have to learn to ignore it or leave.

    FireflyPrincess said:
    I'm still new and learning and don't tend to respond well to harsh overly sarcastic feedback and jokes along the lines of 'have you finally done something righ

    The teasing of new recruits is an age old tradition an is used in social situations to see if you are on a compatible wavelength as the rest of the team and can take / return the jokes. 

    Do you think you have an issue of seeing these as attacks rather than jokes or do you not like the fact that you are the one the jokes are for? The answe to this may help identify the most effective way to live with it.

  • in reply to Iain

    I don’t think that is “realist” behaviour it’s a projected opinion, psychological abuse and oppressive it shouldn’t be happening in the workplace …if there’s something literally a problem they should be looking to help you or putting structure in place to improve output but don’t forget that even without a disability the workplace is supposed to legally provide you with a psychologically safe place to achieve your work and do your job. These “jokes” aren’t funny and they don’t create an inclusive environment they prolong an uneducated, toxic and “cliquey” culture which actually is bad for business. Don’t join in with gang and herd mentality that may make less experienced people than yourself feel more excluded, stand against bullies , if you feel confident enough raise a grievance as it’s definitely bullying behaviour. But yes… weigh in how heavy it feels for you if it’s quite major make a grievance if it’s just minor then maybe consider deflecting but certainly don’t join in and don’t perpetuate that behaviour. You shouldn’t be expected to leave your job and look for another one because of them 

    stuarts response is excellent if its an isolated - sideways colleague (as in not your manager) ignore them and focus on yourself if it’s not actually affecting your job and your manager is still supporting you as it’s likely nobody else listens to them anyway and will waste your mental energy . 

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  • in reply to Iain

    I don’t think that is “realist” behaviour it’s a projected opinion, psychological abuse and oppressive it shouldn’t be happening in the workplace …if there’s something literally a problem they should be looking to help you or putting structure in place to improve output but don’t forget that even without a disability the workplace is supposed to legally provide you with a psychologically safe place to achieve your work and do your job. These “jokes” aren’t funny and they don’t create an inclusive environment they prolong an uneducated, toxic and “cliquey” culture which actually is bad for business. Don’t join in with gang and herd mentality that may make less experienced people than yourself feel more excluded, stand against bullies , if you feel confident enough raise a grievance as it’s definitely bullying behaviour. But yes… weigh in how heavy it feels for you if it’s quite major make a grievance if it’s just minor then maybe consider deflecting but certainly don’t join in and don’t perpetuate that behaviour. You shouldn’t be expected to leave your job and look for another one because of them 

    stuarts response is excellent if its an isolated - sideways colleague (as in not your manager) ignore them and focus on yourself if it’s not actually affecting your job and your manager is still supporting you as it’s likely nobody else listens to them anyway and will waste your mental energy . 

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