I’m married, and my husband of 30+ years has recently been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism and I am struggling with the level of masking and how I now feel that I don’t know my husband or if he ever loved me. I’m sorry if this sounds negative but I am findi

I've been married 15 years and 22 years together and we've only just found out I'm autistic, along with the kids. 

For me, one of the reasons I've made it this far without knowing is because I've always been with him. He's helped through all the things I can't do, not understanding why but eventually just accepted my quirks and helping me -like he's normally the 'public facing' half of us who deals with most of the trades people and even the teachers. 

He doesn't always get it when I'm sitting in a room in the dark for a few hours and can get annoyed, but he knows now that quite often a hug with no words is the best way to bring me back to myself.

I'm very grateful to all he's done, and I don't feel disabled by it most of the time with him around.

Thank you for your words and point of view which does help ( if I’m honest I wrote a reply 3 times and each time deleated it because it sounded so hurtful) I feel more alone than ever, whilst my husband is supported

Yeah, I've told my husband it's okay if he needs help with any of it, especially as he's outnumbered as the only NT in the house (my daughter is just suspected but it's pretty clear to us both that she's like me). 

It's totally okay for you to need help with understanding it, I think there is a page on NAS that deals with help for you coming to terms with it. Do get help and get your own therapy if you need it, you have needs to and it's good not to suppress them or it will just leave too resentment. 

It's a tricky road to walk down, and it's okay to ask questions and figure out an understanding together.

I am more myself around my husband than anyone else in my life, but all autistic people are different, do I don't know your situation. But I know I equally support my husband when I can (like although I have sensitive hearing, the kids noise bothers him more, so I've told him he can leave the dinner table if he's finding their endless chatter about Minecraft too much).  You find your own ways to cope in life.

Yeah, I've told my husband it's okay if he needs help with any of it, especially as he's outnumbered as the only NT in the house (my daughter is just suspected but it's pretty clear to us both that she's like me). 

It's totally okay for you to need help with understanding it, I think there is a page on NAS that deals with help for you coming to terms with it. Do get help and get your own therapy if you need it, you have needs to and it's good not to suppress them or it will just leave too resentment. 

It's a tricky road to walk down, and it's okay to ask questions and figure out an understanding together.

I am more myself around my husband than anyone else in my life, but all autistic people are different, do I don't know your situation. But I know I equally support my husband when I can (like although I have sensitive hearing, the kids noise bothers him more, so I've told him he can leave the dinner table if he's finding their endless chatter about Minecraft too much).  You find your own ways to cope in life.