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It's not 0-1

Alien0n3arth

I think, that I was autistic as a child, but never received help, because of very low awareness of how autism presents in females and in addition my mom has done everything in her power to prevent me from getting any help (probably couldn't accept the fact, that she has a "special" daughter) although others - her friends or even her second husband told her, she should take me to a psychologist. Even I myself begged her for that because I felt all along that there is something wrong with me and I'm inferior to others.

I also think, that now I have just subclinic autistic traits,  but not affecting me as much as they did, when I needed help desperately. Now they affect the most my interactions with my family members and so they also affect them. I also suffer from trauma after my LOST childhood and youth,  I have my inner voice criticising me constantly and comparing me to others, because this us what I heard from everyone around me. I heard recently, that rauma therapies for people with autism are different than those for allistic people. 

I was treated by psychiatrists in my past and it looked like "go fir walk, paint some picture, one pill per day and think positively" or "go, see friends" when I told them I have no friends,  then I heard that what's wrong with me, am i 5 years old? Or that I have to do some effort,  just go and find them, they will not come to me themselves. So if I'm gonna be treated like this again, then I would stay away.

On one hand it seems logical- I have autistic traits,  that affect my whole life (not always same) but they are persistent. But- I'm married, I have a child, I have a part time job. So generally I'm doing "fine" or maybe at least better than someone else, who us not married, but would like to. If someone is not married, and doesn't want, then it's aldo fine. In fact I function better with my husband,  than as if I was alone, because I would have totally neglected myself. It already happened in my past, where I failed to shower for weeks, because the only thing I did was pacing my room almost whole day and then playing with my dolls or studying Russian (I was around 18) I also failed to go buy myself clothes and I used to walk in one shoes till the sole fell off or trousers with big holes. Now I have my husband who tells me, that I should go buy something.  It's my family, which limits my pacing the room - they basically don't let me do it all day. So they keep me in better shape. But the problems are more subtle. 

Looking at the terribly long waiting times, looking at that there are many children waiting to be diagnosed and receive help, I think it's better to step back. Here, where I'm living I need an official diagnosis in order to be able to join a local support group. My daughter's psychologist and her teacher see my issues and want to help. But im not sure if it would really help. I'm a social outcast, my sensory issues and totally different interests make it difficult for me to interact with a peer group. Fir example other patents of my daughter's colleagues in nursery. She gonna grow up and see me "antisocial". I'm not really antisocial,  if I'm expected to bring something to the nursery, participate etc, I do it. But still I feel lonely and overwhelmed there. So it's not just 0-1 with this autism, criteria etc. These are not only traits, but aldo the way there affect me. Social problems are currently the worst, I struggle with jokes, irony, I feel always lonely around people and I would like to have some friend. But I can't. So on one hand, it's a life long condition,  on other hand- turns out it's not actually. 

My daughter's teacher told me, that if I get the diagnosis,  I can get money. No, it's not my goal! Not money, not additional holidays etc. I need psychological support and therapy.

Sorry for long post. I'm nit sure what to do and does it make any sense. 

Parents

  • Makes a lot of sense  , I've been reading a lot on people deciding not to get it on paper, but that doesn't stop you accepting the identity if you can see it, and others around you see it too. I don't think you have to say you are sub-clinical, I think you really do struggle a lot, but it's okay to not have the paper if you feel you can get by just now without it. It's also not 1-0 to decide you don't need it at the moment. You might need it in future, and decide to get it in the future. You are allowed to seek it anytime, especially if you reach a point where it might be better to have a diagnosis, it might be tomorrow, might be in 15 years, it's life long, and you'll always be who you are.

    I also know what you mean, my husband does a lot for me which covers the things I can't do, and I focus on my kids a lot -we went ice-skating yesterday, not my thing but the kids really love it. I just went to bed same time as them as I was so tired. So yes, family life, and work can mean it doesn't feel so bad and can push through to still do things.

    But your struggles are real, and sometimes talking on here about them will also help you get through those difficult times. I enjoy talking to you and reading your posts!

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you for your answer,   

    For me the identity is not so important and never was. But sense of belonging is- I actually never had it before, it's first time here in this community,  that I got some sense of belonging and feeling of bring understood although only online. I love my husband and daughter,  but I also feel kind of guilty for not being as much as I should for them.

    When it comes to other people around me, they don't say, it's visible that im autistic.  They say, that im different, or weirdo. I always feel a bit disabled and tgese were my thoughts often especially,  when i was bullied. My mom confirmed that I was always different since my early childhood but she didn't think it was a problem,  even at the worst time. I was mad at her, but I also remember I red once an article about people diagnosed with autism,  they are more or less my age. The way they were abused in some soecial "therapies" left me speechless.  They carry a horrible trauma after that. So I can also say, my mom saved me from that. But didn't save from other horrible traumas and abuse I experienced from other people in this huge and crazy world. So my conclusion is, that im simply condemned by how I am, doesn't matter if I got recognised before ot not. Tgere were teachers by tge way, in my primary school,  who suspected that I'm autistic,  but my mom hot mad and refused having me tested. Then it turned out I was too intelligent to be autistic.  And now I hear, that I probably am.

    Also my husband wants to get a long for some house. If the bank sees in papers, that his wife has autism (if it's available fir them) then they would maybe not give us the loan. So it's another reason to think twice before I even start tge process. My therapist and my daughter's teacher and psychologist say, that im a good mother. I'm happy that I found out about these autistic traits before I agreed for second child. I'm not sure if I would cope.

  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    I was just reading in 'unmasking autism', of the 'therapy' that was and still is used on autistic children, and it can only be described as horrific abuse and de-humanisation to train children like animals to make them 'normal'. It should be illegal, so if this is what could have happened to you, I'm glad you didn't go through that too, though what you went through at home sounds horrific enough. 

    I know what you mean about being labelled weird, even when you are trying your best. So if acceptance for you is just you and your immediate (husband and daughter), knowing the real you, without diagnosis, I think that is okay.  And yes, there is less of a paper trail for anyone else. And us of course, you can still be yourself here!

Reply
  • in reply to Alien0n3arth

    I was just reading in 'unmasking autism', of the 'therapy' that was and still is used on autistic children, and it can only be described as horrific abuse and de-humanisation to train children like animals to make them 'normal'. It should be illegal, so if this is what could have happened to you, I'm glad you didn't go through that too, though what you went through at home sounds horrific enough. 

    I know what you mean about being labelled weird, even when you are trying your best. So if acceptance for you is just you and your immediate (husband and daughter), knowing the real you, without diagnosis, I think that is okay.  And yes, there is less of a paper trail for anyone else. And us of course, you can still be yourself here!

Children
  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    The worst trauma I experienced is not that at home but I'm not gonna write it here on a forum.

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    I was thinking about getting diagnosis to have Access to some therapies or support group,  but if it's that difficult... then yes, it's too much. If it's only for information,  (I know some people would criticise it) but the paper with suspected autism (autistic traits) from my therapist is enough plus various online tests that also point to that direction. 

    My therapist will not give me the formal diagnosis,  he just recognised these traits. He said he is not responsible for diagnosing autism, but worked enough with autistic people and recognises that in me.