I think, that I was autistic as a child, but never received help, because of very low awareness of how autism presents in females and in addition my mom has done everything in her power to prevent me from getting any help (probably couldn't accept the fact, that she has a "special" daughter) although others - her friends or even her second husband told her, she should take me to a psychologist. Even I myself begged her for that because I felt all along that there is something wrong with me and I'm inferior to others.
I also think, that now I have just subclinic autistic traits, but not affecting me as much as they did, when I needed help desperately. Now they affect more my interactions with my family members and so they also affect them. I also suffer from trauma after my LOST childhood and youth, I have my inner voice criticising me constantly and comparing me to others, because this us what I heard from everyone around me. I heard recently, that rauma therapies for people with autism are different than those for allistic people.
I was treated by psychiatrists in my past and it looked like "go fir walk, paint some picture, one pill per day and think positively" or "go, see friends" when I told them I have no friends, then I heard that what's wrong with me, am i 5 years old? Or that I have to do some effort, just go and find them, they will not come to me themselves. So if I'm gonna be treated like this again, then I would stay away.
On one hand it seems logical- I have autistic traits, that affect my whole life (not always same) but they are persistent. But- I'm married, I have a child, I have a part time job. So generally I'm doing "fine" or maybe at least better than someone else, who us not married, but would like to. If someone is not married, and doesn't want, then it's aldo fine. In fact I function better with my husband, than as if I was alone, because I would have totally neglected myself. It already happened in my past, where I failed to shower for weeks, because the only thing I did was pacing my room almost whole day and then playing with my dolls or studying Russian (I was around 18) I also failed to go buy myself clothes and I used to walk in one shoes till the sole fell off or trousers with big holes. Now I have my husband who tells me, that I should go buy something. It's my family, which limits my pacing the room - they basically don't let me do it all day. So they keep me in better shape. But the problems are more subtle.
Looking at the terribly long waiting times, looking at that there are many children waiting to be diagnosed and receive help, I think it's better to step back. Here, where I'm living I need an official diagnosis in order to be able to join a local support group. My daughter's psychologist and her teacher see my issues and want to help. But im not sure if it would really help. I'm a social outcast, my sensory issues and totally different interests make it difficult for me to interact with a peer group. Fir example other patents of my daughter's colleagues in nursery. She gonna grow up and see me "antisocial". I'm not really antisocial, if I'm expected to bring something to the nursery, participate etc, I do it. But still I feel lonely and overwhelmed there. So it's not just 0-1 with this autism, criteria etc. These are not only traits, but aldo the way there affect me. Social problems are currently the worst, I struggle with jokes, irony, I feel always lonely around people and I would like to have some friend. But I can't. So on one hand, it's a life long condition, on other hand- turns out it's not actually.
My daughter's teacher told me, that if I get the diagnosis, I can get money. No, it's not my goal! Not money, not additional holidays etc. I need psychological support and therapy.
Sorry for long post. I'm nit sure what to do and does it make any sense.
