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friendship rules and gingerbread

Ma.ra.

Dear All,

Soon Merry Christmas to You all, but before please let me ask for your support and opinions! Pray tone1  as a recently late-diagnosed woman (42) I’ve read that for me it is difficult to understand the rules of friendship and that sometimes I realize that I can talk outside of social norms. For me, somehow some taboos are not. But I wish to have friends. I’ve also read that it is a major breakthrough in autism to have good friendships, and that I, with ASD, sometimes ask too much from a friend (that was written too). I wanna evolve!

So here I am asking you about rules. On Monday, with a female and very new friend, we will make gingerbread at her home, and I thought let’s concentrate on this scenario. So my rules:

  1. Kind and honest gift for my friend. Being attentive about her and her husband’s flat.
  2. Asking about how her last week was, how her family is.
  3. Not telling her I got recently diagnosed, because it is a very fresh “get to know each other” connection. ( it is gonna be hard Disappointed)
  4. When we talk about men, I have to form smoother visions about relationships, sex and marriage. She is married and it is important not to criticise her marriage with my too bold visions and opinions. Understaning the concept of taboos.
  5. Trying to stay myself somehow and to have fun! Keeping it light! 
  6. Preparing how and when to say goodby not to have a shutdown. 
  7. Remembering if and when I make mistakes, I can ask her to talk it through and variate my manners and make it better!

    How is the list? What do you think? Do you know some articles about this? And thanks you all!!!Evergreen treeTwo hearts
Parents

  • Hi,

    I have gone through the replies and I would like to offer my perspective as a late diagnosed woman as well (currently 41, diagnosed at 39). Please take only what works and if it works, and discard anything you think doesn't align with you.

    Regarding point 3, if it's a new connection, in my opinion it's a good thing to share your diagnosis early on, as a "heads up". What I like about new connections, as difficult as they are, is that I can start fresh and let them know of my conditions early on. This reduces my need to mask. It's a way to say "hey, I am autistic, I really care about this friendship and you should know this about me". This way,  when you make "mistakes" in the social rules of friendship, you are less likely to cause offense because they already know you are autistic and you struggle with these things.

    Regarding all the other points, they all sound like heavy masking to me. Something I am trying to do as a late diagnosed woman is to unmask. For example, yesterday I went shopping in the supermarket and used the accessible lane. I arranged all my items on the belt the way I like it, made 0 eye contact with the cashier, took bags without asking for permission first, took my time to arrange the things inside the bags the way I like it, then looked at the screen, paid, and only at the end mouthed "thank you" without looking directly at her. Then left the place quickly. Because I was in the accessible lane, I knew the people around me knew that there was something "going on" with me, which reduced the pressure to make facial expressions and small talk. And because I was able to not do any of the above without fear of causing offense, I was able to go home and still have energy to put the shopping away and so a few more things.

    I find new friendships a good opportunity to be yourself, so letting them know from the very start that you are autistic I think it's a good idea.

    When I want new connections, I do on Bumble BFF (a dating app with an option for friendships) and intentionally look for fellow autistic women/women with the same values as me. These are my rules (I don't say them out loud, they are my internal rules for selecting friends):

    1. Only neurodivergent women (or non-binary people), preferably autistic (diagnosed or undiagnosed, I will notice it myself when I first meet them). - I don't make friendships with men.

    2. Only people with the same special interests as me

    3. Only people with the same core values as me (in terms of politics and social justice)

    4. Early talk about intense personal topics should be allowed and probably expected

    I don't know if any of this resonates with you. If you feel like you cannot talk about her husband and you cannot tell her about your diagnosis (which is probably a big thing in your life right now) and you have to think so much about the comments you should do about the house or the gift you should bring, is that not too much energy to spend on a friend? Personally, all that would take so many "spoons" from my energy that I would have to lay down and sleep for a whole day after meeting with that friend. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of friendships?

    Again, if none of this resonates with you, then just ignore it all together. Just thought I would show a different perspective Slight smile

Reply

  • Hi,

    I have gone through the replies and I would like to offer my perspective as a late diagnosed woman as well (currently 41, diagnosed at 39). Please take only what works and if it works, and discard anything you think doesn't align with you.

    Regarding point 3, if it's a new connection, in my opinion it's a good thing to share your diagnosis early on, as a "heads up". What I like about new connections, as difficult as they are, is that I can start fresh and let them know of my conditions early on. This reduces my need to mask. It's a way to say "hey, I am autistic, I really care about this friendship and you should know this about me". This way,  when you make "mistakes" in the social rules of friendship, you are less likely to cause offense because they already know you are autistic and you struggle with these things.

    Regarding all the other points, they all sound like heavy masking to me. Something I am trying to do as a late diagnosed woman is to unmask. For example, yesterday I went shopping in the supermarket and used the accessible lane. I arranged all my items on the belt the way I like it, made 0 eye contact with the cashier, took bags without asking for permission first, took my time to arrange the things inside the bags the way I like it, then looked at the screen, paid, and only at the end mouthed "thank you" without looking directly at her. Then left the place quickly. Because I was in the accessible lane, I knew the people around me knew that there was something "going on" with me, which reduced the pressure to make facial expressions and small talk. And because I was able to not do any of the above without fear of causing offense, I was able to go home and still have energy to put the shopping away and so a few more things.

    I find new friendships a good opportunity to be yourself, so letting them know from the very start that you are autistic I think it's a good idea.

    When I want new connections, I do on Bumble BFF (a dating app with an option for friendships) and intentionally look for fellow autistic women/women with the same values as me. These are my rules (I don't say them out loud, they are my internal rules for selecting friends):

    1. Only neurodivergent women (or non-binary people), preferably autistic (diagnosed or undiagnosed, I will notice it myself when I first meet them). - I don't make friendships with men.

    2. Only people with the same special interests as me

    3. Only people with the same core values as me (in terms of politics and social justice)

    4. Early talk about intense personal topics should be allowed and probably expected

    I don't know if any of this resonates with you. If you feel like you cannot talk about her husband and you cannot tell her about your diagnosis (which is probably a big thing in your life right now) and you have to think so much about the comments you should do about the house or the gift you should bring, is that not too much energy to spend on a friend? Personally, all that would take so many "spoons" from my energy that I would have to lay down and sleep for a whole day after meeting with that friend. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of friendships?

    Again, if none of this resonates with you, then just ignore it all together. Just thought I would show a different perspective Slight smile

Children
  • in reply to LonelyColour
    LonelyColour said:
    and only at the end mouthed "thank you" without looking directly at her. Then left the place quickly.

    It is amazing that you know yourself this well and you are this tactical! I wish we had accessible lane! Such a great way not to lose energy! 

  • in reply to LonelyColour
    LonelyColour said:
    "hey, I am autistic, I really care about this friendship and you should know this about me"

    Hello  ! So I am from Hungary, from Budapest. Here we started this asd topic like 2 years ago for adult people. We are mostly undiagnosed. I got mine by luck, by accident! It is a new thing and sometimes can be scary for people who did not read anything abot us. Let’s give it a couple of years to get the country developed partying faceJoy. I wish it was not like this, but this is our reality. 

    LonelyColour said:
    I do on Bumble BFF

    I’ve met this friend on Bumble BFF too! Also I work as a volunteer in a coworking office with a lot of autistic (undiagnosied!!!) members where I can finally speak my mind (not always!).

    LonelyColour said:
    I don't make friendships with men.

    I do need friendships with men. I adore them. I have one male friend, very new connection. Also at one point I wish to go back dating! Two heartsTwo heartsTwo hearts But before that I wanna know myself very well!

    LonelyColour said:
    is that not too much energy to spend on a friend?

    I wrote the list because I’ve read a lot about late-diagnosed asd women where doctors mentioned that I tend to ask to much from a friend and that I speak out of social terms. Also that having a good friend is basically survival for us! I wanted to be prepared cause this period has not been easy for me. Also my brain likes and wishes  to understand social rules, I think it is an opportunity to train myself and find peers and go against this massive ‘asd mixed with this sociatey’caused lonliness I inherited. 

    LonelyColour said:
    I would have to lay down and sleep for a whole day after meeting with that friend.

    I will lay down anyway cause also the joy can cause me shutdowns.

    LonelyColour said:
    Just thought I would show a different perspective

    And thank you so much for it! I really adore gingerbread also I bought amazing wood cookie stamps for this occasion and I really hope I will have a good time!