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friendship rules and gingerbread

Ma.ra.

Dear All,

Soon Merry Christmas to You all, but before please let me ask for your support and opinions! Pray tone1  as a recently late-diagnosed woman (42) I’ve read that for me it is difficult to understand the rules of friendship and that sometimes I realize that I can talk outside of social norms. For me, somehow some taboos are not. But I wish to have friends. I’ve also read that it is a major breakthrough in autism to have good friendships, and that I, with ASD, sometimes ask too much from a friend (that was written too). I wanna evolve!

So here I am asking you about rules. On Monday, with a female and very new friend, we will make gingerbread at her home, and I thought let’s concentrate on this scenario. So my rules:

  1. Kind and honest gift for my friend. Being attentive about her and her husband’s flat.
  2. Asking about how her last week was, how her family is.
  3. Not telling her I got recently diagnosed, because it is a very fresh “get to know each other” connection. ( it is gonna be hard Disappointed)
  4. When we talk about men, I have to form smoother visions about relationships, sex and marriage. She is married and it is important not to criticise her marriage with my too bold visions and opinions. Understaning the concept of taboos.
  5. Trying to stay myself somehow and to have fun! Keeping it light! 
  6. Preparing how and when to say goodby not to have a shutdown. 
  7. Remembering if and when I make mistakes, I can ask her to talk it through and variate my manners and make it better!

    How is the list? What do you think? Do you know some articles about this? And thanks you all!!!Evergreen treeTwo hearts
Parents

  •  Hi   Good to hear that you are meeting up with a new friend. We learn from new experiences.

    This is what I think:

    1. I read somewhere that gifts should be roughly the same value as what you know you are getting or expect to get in return. I assume that your friend is providing the ingredients for the gingerbread, so as others have said, a small inexpensive gift is ok to say thank you for her inviting you to join in with this. With regards to the flat, just find one thing positive to say - so even if you can't see anything you like you can try the asking a question about something that's already been suggested, or if it's warm you could say "it's nice and cosy in here".

    2. I suggest asking open ended questions, so don't say "how was your week?", ask "what have you been up to since I last saw you?" Which encourages someone not to just reply " ok thanks" but to tell you things they have done, extending the conversation.

    3. Not telling her about your diagnosis is a good idea at this stage, wait until you're more comfortable with her.

    4. Why do you expect to be talking about men? I would suggest not talking about her relationship (except to ask how her husband is) unless she brings it up, and don't say anything negative about it. If she asks your opinion, say you're sorry but you don't know enough to be able to advise. If she asks about your love life and you think it's different in some ways to hers, you can tell her whatever you feel comfortable with, but if you think it's different to hers you could say something like "although that's just me, we're all different" .

    5. As Iain has suggested, focus on positive things. Remind yourself you are achieving something good.

    6. Have a time in mind when you will leave, and I suggest about half an hour before that time saying "oh, I'll have to leave in half an hour because I have some things to do later"

    7. If you're not sure about your understanding of something she says, try asking "do you mean this..." Or saying "sorry, I'm not sure what you mean?" . Most people are happy to help clarify things and it's not unusual in friendships or relationships to have little misunderstandings.

    Also I have found an article that might be of some interest:

    https://www.scienceofpeople.com/how-to-make-a-best-friend/

    Hope you have a nice time making gingerbread!

  • in reply to Lotus
    Lotus said:
    Why do you expect to be talking about men?

    Hey! So my new friend likes hand crafts and to talk about emotions, relationships, love, her marriage. With her I can’t talk about intellectual things cause somehow she does not feel comfortable. It is a pitty but she is a very warm-hearted person so I thought to myself I will talk about my other interests with other people. But the way she speaks about people, like I should take notes, it is very important for me, kind and warm! Also maybe I will be a good infuance to push the convos to a bit towards other fields also.

    Lotus said:
    Not telling her about your diagnosis is a good idea at this stage, wait until you're more comfortable with her.

    ….when will it be? It is hard without real close  friends…smiling face with tear but let’s hope for the bestPray tone1

    I love that article! Thaks so much  !Christmas tree

Reply
  • in reply to Lotus
    Lotus said:
    Why do you expect to be talking about men?

    Hey! So my new friend likes hand crafts and to talk about emotions, relationships, love, her marriage. With her I can’t talk about intellectual things cause somehow she does not feel comfortable. It is a pitty but she is a very warm-hearted person so I thought to myself I will talk about my other interests with other people. But the way she speaks about people, like I should take notes, it is very important for me, kind and warm! Also maybe I will be a good infuance to push the convos to a bit towards other fields also.

    Lotus said:
    Not telling her about your diagnosis is a good idea at this stage, wait until you're more comfortable with her.

    ….when will it be? It is hard without real close  friends…smiling face with tear but let’s hope for the bestPray tone1

    I love that article! Thaks so much  !Christmas tree

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