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friendship rules and gingerbread

Ma.ra.

Dear All,

Soon Merry Christmas to You all, but before please let me ask for your support and opinions! Pray tone1  as a recently late-diagnosed woman (42) I’ve read that for me it is difficult to understand the rules of friendship and that sometimes I realize that I can talk outside of social norms. For me, somehow some taboos are not. But I wish to have friends. I’ve also read that it is a major breakthrough in autism to have good friendships, and that I, with ASD, sometimes ask too much from a friend (that was written too). I wanna evolve!

So here I am asking you about rules. On Monday, with a female and very new friend, we will make gingerbread at her home, and I thought let’s concentrate on this scenario. So my rules:

  1. Kind and honest gift for my friend. Being attentive about her and her husband’s flat.
  2. Asking about how her last week was, how her family is.
  3. Not telling her I got recently diagnosed, because it is a very fresh “get to know each other” connection. ( it is gonna be hard Disappointed)
  4. When we talk about men, I have to form smoother visions about relationships, sex and marriage. She is married and it is important not to criticise her marriage with my too bold visions and opinions. Understaning the concept of taboos.
  5. Trying to stay myself somehow and to have fun! Keeping it light! 
  6. Preparing how and when to say goodby not to have a shutdown. 
  7. Remembering if and when I make mistakes, I can ask her to talk it through and variate my manners and make it better!

    How is the list? What do you think? Do you know some articles about this? And thanks you all!!!Evergreen treeTwo hearts
Parents

  • I would consider the following:

    1 - always a nice thing to do, but keep it something cheap. Maybe a small flowering plant as a generic gift that is pretty univeral.

    2 - good, solid start. Find shared things to talk about whether your interests, experieces of hopes - try to keep these positive. This gives you something you both can talk about without struggling.

    3 - Good call. It is good not to spread what some would consider to be "bad news" unless they are close friends that you know will care about it.

    4 - Absolutely never criticise another relationship that your friend is in. The one exception is when there is a breakup then you support her to the hilt but try to make fun of it at the same time.  e.g. "he broke up with you? You are my friend so I've gotto attack him right? What a barsteward to do that to you. Shall I go on?"

    This lightens the mood, supports her and helps her feel better.

    5 - I find that thinking positive things really helps. When you taste the gingerbread then think "we made this - it is really good" and through the positive thinking your mind will actually start to believe it. This is just psychology at play but it works.

    6 - When you say goodbye don't frame it as an ending - rather frame it as celebrating the good stuff you just did together. Say something like "I really enjoyed your company today, I had great fun. Thank you" which will make her feel good and make you remember the positives. Then the parting can be more of a looking forward to the next time thing which is also positive. Everybody wins!

    7 - It is best to remind her of this up front then it will take the edge off if you do misstep or offend accidentally. Try to make a note at the time to review later in order to learn.

    You seem to have a pretty solid idea of the social rules here so you are doing well. Remember that you are still learning so make light of it, treat it as a positive that you learned when you get it wrong and allow yourself the pat on the back when it does go well.

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    something cheap

    Okay! Got it!

    Iain said:
    unless they are close friends that you know will care about it.

    I am so freshly diagnosed that I really need support so I can’t afford to have bad reactions by sharing it without caution! I remember it was your advice  like 3 weeks ago!!!! It works well!!!!!!

    Iain said:
    Absolutely never criticise another relationship that your friend is in.

    Only if a friend asks my opinion, right? 

    Iain said:
    we made this - it is really good

    Good! I will do this!!!

    Iain said:
    allow yourself the pat on the back when it does go well.

    Lovely idea!!! Thanks so much!!! 

  • in reply to Ma.ra.
    Ma.ra. said:
    Only if a friend asks my opinion, right?

    In essence yes - even if she asks your opinion the chances are very high that she is looking for validation and support rather than for you to verbally tear down the partner.

    This can be a minefild so one good rule of thumb is to ask "what do you want me to say" and if they insist on the truth then tone it down as much as you can initially and only if she agrees and wants to know more should you say more.

    Remember that your friend probably has a huge amount of her life invested in this partnership so there is a strong chance that criticising the partner will make her become defensive. 

    When in doubt, don't get involved. I would even go as far as to say something like "he seems lovely and I don't know enough about him to even form an educated opinion" as a cop-out.

    This is part social rules and part psychology which makes it doubly hard to undestand for us - it took me years and much reading up before I worked this stuff out.

  • in reply to Iain

    My special interests just pop up outta nowhere, like I can’t choose or control them. And honestly, I kinda love that about myself. It is funny I think.

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