Acceptance?

That second paragraph - resonates massively! Thanks for sharing. The last bit is very true - I've come a long way with that, though supose I need to keep going in terms of the work side...

I wonder if I'll ever be 100% in - I assumed I would be post official, but perhaps it's been so long up to that point...

Thanks for the input - I think where I am now it's been really helpful, more so than all those years ago as my unofficial diagnosis was made by three psycs who all agreed. Pretty cut and dried you'd think, though apparently it isn't until official! 

Friend wise I'm not worried - I don't have too many and they know me pretty much... we don't really socialise often either so not much will change there. 

Good advice though - I'm hoping in all of this I just learn more about myself and hopefully a bit more about how to handle things when the going gets rough, or better still how to get in earlier so it doesn't get too rough. 

It was first suggested 9 months ago after visiting a psychologist to figure out what was wrong and scoring higher than I wanted on the tests (I did them all 3 times to make sure) and 6 months since I knew for sure. Without a formal (private) diagnosis I would not have believed it. I argued with the psychologist doing the formal assessment, they'd decided before the process even started they were just looking for enough evidence,  I tried to disprove everything. I didnt want to exaggerate or falsely claim anything. Other people struggle, I wasn't that bad, was I? 

I am still not 100% sure even though there's ample evidence. I don't think this will go as I think I function too well. But burnout (reduced functioning and being fragile for 12 months every now and then), sleep issues, staying in to recover all the time, difficulty in starting and then difficulty stopping tasks, forgetting to drink, etc. say otherwise. I work ok, so I'm ok right? Everyone's wanted it to end since they were 12 and lives on their own and is anxious about anything new right? And I arranged everything to be low stress by accident, it wasn't my subconscious deciding was it? And nobody has friends anymore anyway, and is blunt and thinks differently, and stays in all the time, right?

This is the point. You can be good at some things in some circumstances, mask automatically, fit in if you have to, but it has a cost. If you've done it a long time it may take someone else to point out some of your issues.

What you are looking for is a lifestyle that allows you to achieve as much as possible sustainably. This varies by person and circumstance, which is why there is no single answer.

For me it was a massive relief to be diagnosed, having a diagnosis gave me something to work with rather than flail around with, apparently this feeling is quite common with the late diagnosed, it makes sense of so many things.

Remember you're the same person after a diagnosis as you were before, you have the same skills, talents and things you won't understand. Some people may look at you and tell you stupid things, like you don't look autistic, or they'll look at you waiting for the second head to sprout, but most will probably be OK and not bothered by it. It can show you who your real friends are, some will react negatively, but that says more about them than it ever will about you.

I tend to agree there, and my hope is as the younger generation become the workforce things will improve - they'll have to since, in my experience, there is a lot more neurodiversity (purely from a percentage point of view) in today's kids. Someone will need to push for that though so keep doing what you're doing. 

But yes, thinking of my own experience, even with a supportive boss nothing has changed in my role post informal diagnosis despite me obviously struggling at times. I feel it's very much if you can't do the job find another one (and please don't go off sick though if you need the afternoon let me know). 

Thanks! I hadn't factored in imposter syndrome though and used to a healthy dose of that.

Joke makes very much makes sense - I was chatting to a mate of mine who can't really understand my stance; his take was if you thought you were allergic to milk you wouldn't wait for the tests before you stopped drinking milk. Obviously I told him I would! 

I strongly feel that there are more subtle types of inequality and discrimination in the workplace. We in Britain are better than that. It also concerns me thinking back to when I was younger all the constant worries, knowing that there are young ASD people going through that now without full awareness or understanding, let alone the necessary support systems.

3 years diagnosed and still get episodes of "impostor syndrome" in respect of autism.

Mostly when given some sort of a hard time from someone and I start giving myself a hard time too - when I back of the pressure on myself I can recognise the autistic traits a lot easier tho'...

It's tricky because the change in expectations that comes is hard to get used to.

hopefully this joke makes sense:

baby polar bear asks mummy polar bear "Am I really a polar bear?"  - "Yes dear - now run away and play I'm cleaning the snow house"

"Dad, am I really a polar bear?" - " yes son, now do you want to come seal hunting with me?"

"Grandad, am I really a polar bear?" - "yes lad, there's been polar bears in our family for generations...."

"Grandma, am I really a polar bear?" - "yes dear, now tell me what's troubling you?" -  "If I'm really a polar bear, why am I so flipping cold?"

Best wishes

That sounds like a very noble thing to push for - good! 

I appreciate that true course thing too - I've done OK - seen and done more than I feel capable of now and regret nothing as it's bought me this far. Feeling OK can be a challenge but like you (by the sound of it) I've been down a few roads that weren't really in the right direction. 

I'll get there... Acceptance will help if/when I can just convince myself...

I reckon it might also be useful just for anyone who reads this to tell me yup, you're autistic...

I've never felt like I fit anywhere, I unintentionally copy mannerisms of folk I deem sound, I constantly feel like I'm being watched, all of my hobbies are solo, I need a lot of time alone, I've burned out several times, I don't understand people, I have very obsessive interests, I'm niche, I communicate far better over text as I can't understand what people say to me in the moment, but then can't keep even the most inconsequential of interactions out of my head, I hate being touched... I could go on. 

Sounds like autism?

I've wondered about that - I try to be me for the best part but l, well, truth be told I've masked for years.

It's probably an odd mask though - I had a slightly wayward youth so it's all tied in to weird 90's pub/club/football types who probably weren't the cool crowd I thought they were in my early days.

I'm also what's probably best described as a bit of a nob, not in a nasty way, but my humour is dark, I'm stupidly honest and have to do a load of stuff that I don't want to be doing as I'm always surrounded by people... and I feel very much threatened by that for various reasons (long way of saying I'm grumpy!). 

It all adds up to me not really fitting anywhere, unless I'm with the handful of people that knew me way back and knows where I've come from, and that I probably don't fit where I am now. 

Whatever though, I've never felt I fitted in anywhere so it's no surprise I still don't, and if/when I feel well the life I've created is great. I just need to keep on top of feeling well...

Thanks for your words.its good to be different.  I have never doubted my abilities when focused. It’s just been that others have often misonterpreted my intent, personality or read into things I haven’t said. I’m discovering  parts of my life I was wrongly signposted and deliberately or otherwise or obstructed by others I never let that bother me because all things find their true course. I am campaigning to have workplace laws changed. 

That's interesting, thanks - I suppose part of the reason I'm here and asking stuff is that I'm hoping to find (more - I've already gained a lot just lurking) things that may help and/or resonate. 

I've made a lot of changes to my life over the years, some more helpful than others but ultimately seem to always end up at the same point, which I'm guessing is burnout related. But yes, unraveling - it's been useful to get a better understanding about what and why, and just getting told I should consider myself as autistic by a psyc. was a positive step forwards (it was an I can't officially diagnose but you're nailed on sort of thing).  

On another note I really should consider my job, since while rewarding at times it's definitely not particularly ASD friendly and is pretty front facing communication wise and stressful, which doesn't help.  

Anyhow, appreciate the input, thanks. 

An hour away? Phew, that’s far away. Hopefully you can find something online or closer, because that’s quite a ways for what is likely a much shorter meeting than the drive.

That’s good to hear that your partner is on board. 

Acquiesce said:

I seem to be becoming more so more recently

Now that’s something I’ve been hearing more often on here. It appears it’s a common occurrence that when you figure out you have Autism the signs become stronger. I think part of that is the process of “unmasking,” your mind is becoming more aware of how it naturally processes without needing (or perhaps wanting?) to adjust to neurotypical standards.

It fits well for me too funnily enough - I've done a fair bit of further research and discovered that many of my quirks link to ASD. Some I had no idea about - so I guess that's helped with my acceptance. 

Going private is something I've considered, though I'm so far down the list now I'm not sure it's worth not continuing to wait. 

And anxiety. Yes. Very much so - had a diagnosis of GAD here some time back which I'm currently medicated because of. I try very hard not to be though it's peaks and troughs as you'll know. When it gets completely unmanageable I have to take that action. 

I suppose what I've found particularly confusing is that I've been picked up about other things over the years too along with anxiety and depression, so the waters become muddier. If I'm honest, all of what I am links best to autism, I just can't seem to get over the "I'm autistic" hurdle. I guess I'm pretty sure, but the diagnosis itself would erase all doubt. 

Thanks for that - I've toyed with doing some talk stuff post diagnosis and potentially pre, though finding things relatively close by has proven difficult. That said, if I pushed myself there's at least one within an hour or so of me. 

Partner wise mine is very much on board in that it was not a surprise to her. She's a little frustrated occasionally that I seem to be becoming more so more recently, but not in a negative way - she's very supportive. It all ties in with how my mental health is, which is very much linked to my probable ASD. 

hi anotherandy,

I'd like to be able to tell you that the autism assessment will resolve all this but whilst its helpful, realistically it might not immediately help. Like you, I had a lot of mental health issues misdiagnosed first, so the asd diagnosis has helped start the process of unravelling that. I'm actually finding that the most useful thing is finding out how other Autistics handle things that ive always struggled with and trying them out. It's much more confirming when those things work for me than the diagnosis itself was.

After being alerted to the possibility of me being autistic, I researched adult autism traits in a maniacal blitz. I came to the definite conclusion that autism was the best explanation of why I was the way I am. However, I also felt a compelling need for this conclusion to be validated. I therefore paid for an autism assessment for myself and my daughter. I was told that I would be getting an ASD diagnosis only 30 minutes into the assessment. I was then diagnosed with two related anxiety disorders.

Good morning from America Anotherandy!

For me, personally, yes, getting the diagnosis helped with that issue. The biggest reason is because my wife was not accepting of it until I got my diagnosis, so that fed my self-doubt.

However, there are plenty of people on here that are not officially diagnosed, but rather self-diagnosed. If you believe that you have Autism, then chances are that you do.

One big advice I have for you accepting yourself is consider therapy! It’s not for everyone, but it is very helpful for post diagnosis in particular. Just make sure you get yourself an Autism friendly therapist. I once had an Autism specialized art therapist and it was fantastic (though she was used to younger clients, she was willing to learn more about adult Autism along with me).

I realise this is probably way down the list of recent posts as it took a while to be approved (weekend, holidays etc- I get it and am not moaning) so I'm posting this to bump it up in case it falls away to nothing - i'd really value any insight. 

(Thanks also for responses to other posts I've read here, including a link to the free how to be autistic book I found a helpful and easy read)