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Burnout cycles - employment and family life

JB33

Vent incoming ….. I feel I’m really struggling at the moment in a number of areas. Work and struggling to feel understood and in relationship with wife too. Even my son, he winds me up and irritates me despite being only little. I can’t seem to cope and process all of the information (crying, noise, mess) and when I’m at burnout stage I feel like a bad parent and depend on my wife to do the heavy lifting. Then worry she thinks I’m not good enough to cope. But the reality, I’m not … at times.  I struggle to make sense of this in my head and be kinder to myself so that I can focus on being a good parent. It doesn’t help that he also is a terrible sleeper and as a result we both operate in zero sleep most nights - it amplifies everything I feel but my wife coasts through it and doesn’t appear to be impacted.  This makes me feel even worse as … why can’t I be like this? I don’t want to fast forward my son’s easy years …. But my god …. It’s bloody tough. 

They both went on holiday without me earlier this year (I don’t like flying) and I’ve never felt so calm, balanced and grounded. It was bliss. Then they come back and the stress slowly builds again. I need to find a way to balance the two but always feel on edge and in reactive mode. 

Parents

  • Boy do I relate. I’ve had two kids and getting through their baby and toddler years was AWFUL. Now they’re 7 & 4 and in some ways it’s still rough, but it is better. One of the worst moments of parenting was when I was home alone with one of them and she had a tremendous blowout - I’m talking waterfalls - while in her high chair. That was… horrendous. I couldn’t deal with the screaming, the mess on the floor and chair, and cleaning her up all at the same time. Somehow, though, I made it through even without my wife holding my hand throughout the process.

    JB33 said:
    I feel like a bad parent

    My recommendation is that you should be more patient with yourself. Yes, you need support. That’s a thing with Autism; We all need some level of support. If you care about your child’s needs at this stage, then you already qualify as a “good” parent. I’ve heard too many horrible stories of neglect and abuse to recognize that I am nowhere near as bad of a parent as I could be.

    Could you be a better parent? Maybe. I think we all could be, though. And you can work on that over time, testing the waters to see how much you can handle interacting with your child, or holding them, or etc.

    However, I also live by the “airplane safety rule,” which is that you have to help yourself before you can help others. Just like in an airplane crash, you’re supposed to get yourself oxygen before fixing someone else’s oxygen mask. If you’re in constant burnout, then you need to take care of that before you can really work on helping your wife and child. When I get overwhelmed, I try to help myself first so that I can give my kids my best effort.

    JB33 said:
    They both went on holiday without me earlier this year (I don’t like flying) and I’ve never felt so calm, balanced and grounded.

    Oh yeah, I’m totally there with you. One piece of advice? Tell your wife this. It was a game changer when I told my wife I like having some time alone because of my Autism. She loves doing stuff with the kids, so now that she knows I use my alone time to recharge she takes more opportunities to take the kids to, say, the zoo or the movies without me. I basically pay her back by giving her ample opportunities to hang out with friends when she wants to by offering to watch the kids every once in a while. It’s a pretty sweet deal.

    Sorry for the long reply, but I hope it helps to know you’re not alone!

  • in reply to profdanger

    Yes - I think communicating to your wife that you feel this way and that you want to find ways to improve things is so important. Then you can work together to find strategies to make things more harmonious in your family unit. There should be no shame in admitting that you find being a parent difficult at times. Be kind to yourself, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself - parenting very young children is hard sometimes - you’re far from alone in feeling like this. All parents get it wrong sometimes - we’re only human after all. If it’s any comfort I think it definitely gets easier as they get older - and when they get older I think a lot of dads come into their own as parents. I think often mothers have more of a natural instinct when it comes to parenting very young children. Ultimately if children feel really loved and cared for that’s what really matters - you don’t need to be perfect. Be a kind dad - I think that’s what children really need. 

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  • in reply to profdanger

    Yes - I think communicating to your wife that you feel this way and that you want to find ways to improve things is so important. Then you can work together to find strategies to make things more harmonious in your family unit. There should be no shame in admitting that you find being a parent difficult at times. Be kind to yourself, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself - parenting very young children is hard sometimes - you’re far from alone in feeling like this. All parents get it wrong sometimes - we’re only human after all. If it’s any comfort I think it definitely gets easier as they get older - and when they get older I think a lot of dads come into their own as parents. I think often mothers have more of a natural instinct when it comes to parenting very young children. Ultimately if children feel really loved and cared for that’s what really matters - you don’t need to be perfect. Be a kind dad - I think that’s what children really need. 

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