Burnout cycles - employment and family life

Boy do I relate. I’ve had two kids and getting through their baby and toddler years was AWFUL. Now they’re 7 & 4 and in some ways it’s still rough, but it is better. One of the worst moments of parenting was when I was home alone with one of them and she had a tremendous blowout - I’m talking waterfalls - while in her high chair. That was… horrendous. I couldn’t deal with the screaming, the mess on the floor and chair, and cleaning her up all at the same time. Somehow, though, I made it through even without my wife holding my hand throughout the process.

JB33 said:

I feel like a bad parent

My recommendation is that you should be more patient with yourself. Yes, you need support. That’s a thing with Autism; We all need some level of support. If you care about your child’s needs at this stage, then you already qualify as a “good” parent. I’ve heard too many horrible stories of neglect and abuse to recognize that I am nowhere near as bad of a parent as I could be.

Could you be a better parent? Maybe. I think we all could be, though. And you can work on that over time, testing the waters to see how much you can handle interacting with your child, or holding them, or etc.

However, I also live by the “airplane safety rule,” which is that you have to help yourself before you can help others. Just like in an airplane crash, you’re supposed to get yourself oxygen before fixing someone else’s oxygen mask. If you’re in constant burnout, then you need to take care of that before you can really work on helping your wife and child. When I get overwhelmed, I try to help myself first so that I can give my kids my best effort.

JB33 said:

They both went on holiday without me earlier this year (I don’t like flying) and I’ve never felt so calm, balanced and grounded.

Oh yeah, I’m totally there with you. One piece of advice? Tell your wife this. It was a game changer when I told my wife I like having some time alone because of my Autism. She loves doing stuff with the kids, so now that she knows I use my alone time to recharge she takes more opportunities to take the kids to, say, the zoo or the movies without me. I basically pay her back by giving her ample opportunities to hang out with friends when she wants to by offering to watch the kids every once in a while. It’s a pretty sweet deal.

Sorry for the long reply, but I hope it helps to know you’re not alone!

Boy do I relate. I’ve had two kids and getting through their baby and toddler years was AWFUL. Now they’re 7 & 4 and in some ways it’s still rough, but it is better. One of the worst moments of parenting was when I was home alone with one of them and she had a tremendous blowout - I’m talking waterfalls - while in her high chair. That was… horrendous. I couldn’t deal with the screaming, the mess on the floor and chair, and cleaning her up all at the same time. Somehow, though, I made it through even without my wife holding my hand throughout the process.

JB33 said:

I feel like a bad parent

My recommendation is that you should be more patient with yourself. Yes, you need support. That’s a thing with Autism; We all need some level of support. If you care about your child’s needs at this stage, then you already qualify as a “good” parent. I’ve heard too many horrible stories of neglect and abuse to recognize that I am nowhere near as bad of a parent as I could be.

Could you be a better parent? Maybe. I think we all could be, though. And you can work on that over time, testing the waters to see how much you can handle interacting with your child, or holding them, or etc.

However, I also live by the “airplane safety rule,” which is that you have to help yourself before you can help others. Just like in an airplane crash, you’re supposed to get yourself oxygen before fixing someone else’s oxygen mask. If you’re in constant burnout, then you need to take care of that before you can really work on helping your wife and child. When I get overwhelmed, I try to help myself first so that I can give my kids my best effort.

JB33 said:

They both went on holiday without me earlier this year (I don’t like flying) and I’ve never felt so calm, balanced and grounded.

Oh yeah, I’m totally there with you. One piece of advice? Tell your wife this. It was a game changer when I told my wife I like having some time alone because of my Autism. She loves doing stuff with the kids, so now that she knows I use my alone time to recharge she takes more opportunities to take the kids to, say, the zoo or the movies without me. I basically pay her back by giving her ample opportunities to hang out with friends when she wants to by offering to watch the kids every once in a while. It’s a pretty sweet deal.

Sorry for the long reply, but I hope it helps to know you’re not alone!

Thank you so much for the detailed reply, it’s nice to know some of my feelings and inner turmoil are relatable. The thing is, I mask very well, and extensively for my son. We have lots of playtime, which I love (he does too), he’s my purpose in life now; to support him and be a great dad and role model. My parents were terrible and I see it as an opportunity to shield my son from that and show him what a good dad should be. The kind of dad I wanted and needed when I was little. 

there are days and even weeks when things are great and I have bandwidth to absorb the bad days, even to the point my wife had bad days yet, I seem to cope and do all the lifting. But then can crash afterwards and need roles to switch. I need frequent time alone to recharge and getting better at recognising and asking for this. My son calls me his ‘best pal’ which I love. He loves hanging out with me and I’m the play parent, where as my wife is the parent he runs to when he’s upset usually. There are times when it’s just us too and he’s cuddled into me and we’re reading a book and the world feels right, I love those moments and cherish them. As he’s getting older and now 3 years old, things are improving slightly and there are more fun days than days where I need alone time.  It’s a good deal so far and my wife does support me and she now will go out with our son without me, knowing I need recharge time. 

I think the bit it all boils down to is me accepting I need help. I hate the fact I might be see as a lesser parent (my wife has never claimed this) but in my head I know I want to escape at times and be myself and worried my son picks up on this, but at times I really am mentally running on fumes. I told my wife about the holiday too and she took it personally at first but now knowing my diagnosis, it all makes a lot more sense and she understands more. For reference, my son has just turned 3. It is getting better, slowly, but yeh … it tough to be happy parent all the time and look like you have it all together (especially when the in laws unexpectedly drop by ….. geez that’s a trigger for sure!)

anyways, that’s been really helpful to chat through, thank you. Glad to hear things have improved for you too. And thanks Kate Kestrel   for your response too. 

Yes - I think communicating to your wife that you feel this way and that you want to find ways to improve things is so important. Then you can work together to find strategies to make things more harmonious in your family unit. There should be no shame in admitting that you find being a parent difficult at times. Be kind to yourself, and try not to put too much pressure on yourself - parenting very young children is hard sometimes - you’re far from alone in feeling like this. All parents get it wrong sometimes - we’re only human after all. If it’s any comfort I think it definitely gets easier as they get older - and when they get older I think a lot of dads come into their own as parents. I think often mothers have more of a natural instinct when it comes to parenting very young children. Ultimately if children feel really loved and cared for that’s what really matters - you don’t need to be perfect. Be a kind dad - I think that’s what children really need.