What are boundaries?

Hello everyone

I am 29 and diagnosed with Autism (well the document actually says Asperger's Syndrome) but was only diagnosed in my early 20s so never had any support growing up. I am married to a lovely lady (not autistic) who does her level best to love me and care for me, as I try to do for her. However she says that because I didn't have any extra support when I was younger, I sometimes make mistakes in social situations about knowing boundaries and what things I can and can't say to people. This has happened recently, when I inadvertently said some things to someone which actually got me into a bit of bother.

But my question is this: how can I find out what the boundaries are? How can I know what things are and aren't acceptable to say to each/every person? It feels like some (/most?) people just know the answer to this, but I don't understand how they work it out, and that then leaves me in a state and, as is often the case, vulnerable to making mistakes. And sadly sometimes the mistakes look bad when they weren't intended as anything of the sort.

Anyway, if someone can advise I would be very grateful. Thank you very much.

Parents
  • I would say you are potentially in a very good situation to find out, if your wife doesn't mind playing tutor! It is hard to know social rules if you are autistic, but if she doesn't mind you asking questions she could guide you if you are ever out together. And you could have a code for if you are saying something that would get you into trouble -she could say 'oh don't be silly', means maybe stop saying that, and you could quickly apologise and then ask her afterwards what was incorrect.  

    Generally I live by Thumpers rule -from Bambi I know, but if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. If you are unsure if it's a positive or not, then maybe hold it back, and ask your wife after if you could have said it? Then you'll get to know the kinds of things that are okay.

    Though I just got my diagnostic report back last week and it highlighted how bad I am in person at sociallising, so hopefully you'll get some more advice! ( I think I am much better at the written word as it allows greater time to process.)

  • Generally I live by Thumpers rule -from Bambi I know, but if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

    I agree that this is a pretty good starting point. I also utilize the “Golden Rule” when I speak. Is what I’m about to say something I’d want someone to say to me?

  • Yes, another good rule - thank you

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