• Replies 9 replies
  • Subscribers 85 subscribers
  • Views 310 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

What are boundaries?

NAS73135

Hello everyone

I am 29 and diagnosed with Autism (well the document actually says Asperger's Syndrome) but was only diagnosed in my early 20s so never had any support growing up. I am married to a lovely lady (not autistic) who does her level best to love me and care for me, as I try to do for her. However she says that because I didn't have any extra support when I was younger, I sometimes make mistakes in social situations about knowing boundaries and what things I can and can't say to people. This has happened recently, when I inadvertently said some things to someone which actually got me into a bit of bother.

But my question is this: how can I find out what the boundaries are? How can I know what things are and aren't acceptable to say to each/every person? It feels like some (/most?) people just know the answer to this, but I don't understand how they work it out, and that then leaves me in a state and, as is often the case, vulnerable to making mistakes. And sadly sometimes the mistakes look bad when they weren't intended as anything of the sort.

Anyway, if someone can advise I would be very grateful. Thank you very much.

  • I think Goblin Tools has neurodivergent specific software to help understand impressions & change/soften tones. I use it to understand if my work emails are coming off too blunt and to make them more appropriate. Otherwise, AI does wonders for the most part, but doesn't always know 'lingo' (eg how "Like I said before" can come off as passive aggressive depending on the context, etc). I'd highly recommend going over it with a neurotypical to understand the social rules around the etiquette of the particular situations you are in. 

  • NAS73135 said:
    How can I know what things are and aren't acceptable to say to each/every person?

    You cannot know every possible combination of situation / person but you can follow good etiquette to stay in your lane.

    Here is a good guide to the basics:

    https://www.wikihow.com/Social-Etiquette

    There are probably some things you don't agree with  but these are the areas that will get you into trouble.

    If in doubt, be polite, don't make observations out loud and as others have said, if you can't say anything nice then keep quiet.

    There are lots of other guides online - just dip into them, work out which ones you don't really understand and we can discuss them - the rest are down to you following them and not making comments on impulse.

  • in reply to NAS73135

    Oh, this could be a really good time to try out AI, i don't use it, but I imagine you could get AI to translate what you want to say into something polite without having to talk to a person and wait for their response (when people aren't always free). A 'masking' tool for us autistics per chance?

  • in reply to profdanger

    Yes, another good rule - thank you

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you for your advice. I like Thumper's Rule. My problem isn't so much that I say things that aren't nice, but it is good advice nonetheless.

    You're right, I am really fortunate to be able to ask my wife. Sadly these problems often happen when talking on the computer/texting etc so that isn't so easy. I'm almost tempted just to throw both devices away as sometimes I think they cause more harm than good.

    Sadly I have got to the point of just thinking that I ruin everything I love/try to do, so perhaps it is just better not to do anything 

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing
    Cinnabar_wing said:
    Generally I live by Thumpers rule -from Bambi I know, but if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

    I agree that this is a pretty good starting point. I also utilize the “Golden Rule” when I speak. Is what I’m about to say something I’d want someone to say to me?

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    It kind of reminds me of someone I used to work with from South America, he used to always say to people, 'please tell me if I am mispronouncing something in English, as othewise I'll never learn'. (His English was excellent though). His girlfriend would always correct him, it helps to have someone who cares to help you through, and just like languages, extra skills are beneficial (though be aware this is a form of masking and will cause you to be more tired as you will be thinking through everything more.)

  • I would say you are potentially in a very good situation to find out, if your wife doesn't mind playing tutor! It is hard to know social rules if you are autistic, but if she doesn't mind you asking questions she could guide you if you are ever out together. And you could have a code for if you are saying something that would get you into trouble -she could say 'oh don't be silly', means maybe stop saying that, and you could quickly apologise and then ask her afterwards what was incorrect.  

    Generally I live by Thumpers rule -from Bambi I know, but if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. If you are unsure if it's a positive or not, then maybe hold it back, and ask your wife after if you could have said it? Then you'll get to know the kinds of things that are okay.

    Though I just got my diagnostic report back last week and it highlighted how bad I am in person at sociallising, so hopefully you'll get some more advice! ( I think I am much better at the written word as it allows greater time to process.)

  • I should add that this most recent time led to a prolonged period of heightened anxiety and under-eating: I've lost a good few lbs (not that my losing weight is necessarily a bad thing, but it is problematic when I just can't eat because of the anxiety, all of which seems to come from this problem.