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What are boundaries?

NAS73135

Hello everyone

I am 29 and diagnosed with Autism (well the document actually says Asperger's Syndrome) but was only diagnosed in my early 20s so never had any support growing up. I am married to a lovely lady (not autistic) who does her level best to love me and care for me, as I try to do for her. However she says that because I didn't have any extra support when I was younger, I sometimes make mistakes in social situations about knowing boundaries and what things I can and can't say to people. This has happened recently, when I inadvertently said some things to someone which actually got me into a bit of bother.

But my question is this: how can I find out what the boundaries are? How can I know what things are and aren't acceptable to say to each/every person? It feels like some (/most?) people just know the answer to this, but I don't understand how they work it out, and that then leaves me in a state and, as is often the case, vulnerable to making mistakes. And sadly sometimes the mistakes look bad when they weren't intended as anything of the sort.

Anyway, if someone can advise I would be very grateful. Thank you very much.

  • in reply to NAS73135

    Oh, this could be a really good time to try out AI, i don't use it, but I imagine you could get AI to translate what you want to say into something polite without having to talk to a person and wait for their response (when people aren't always free). A 'masking' tool for us autistics per chance?

  • in reply to profdanger

    Yes, another good rule - thank you

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    Thank you for your advice. I like Thumper's Rule. My problem isn't so much that I say things that aren't nice, but it is good advice nonetheless.

    You're right, I am really fortunate to be able to ask my wife. Sadly these problems often happen when talking on the computer/texting etc so that isn't so easy. I'm almost tempted just to throw both devices away as sometimes I think they cause more harm than good.

    Sadly I have got to the point of just thinking that I ruin everything I love/try to do, so perhaps it is just better not to do anything 

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing
    Cinnabar_wing said:
    Generally I live by Thumpers rule -from Bambi I know, but if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

    I agree that this is a pretty good starting point. I also utilize the “Golden Rule” when I speak. Is what I’m about to say something I’d want someone to say to me?

  • in reply to Cinnabar_wing

    It kind of reminds me of someone I used to work with from South America, he used to always say to people, 'please tell me if I am mispronouncing something in English, as othewise I'll never learn'. (His English was excellent though). His girlfriend would always correct him, it helps to have someone who cares to help you through, and just like languages, extra skills are beneficial (though be aware this is a form of masking and will cause you to be more tired as you will be thinking through everything more.)

  • I would say you are potentially in a very good situation to find out, if your wife doesn't mind playing tutor! It is hard to know social rules if you are autistic, but if she doesn't mind you asking questions she could guide you if you are ever out together. And you could have a code for if you are saying something that would get you into trouble -she could say 'oh don't be silly', means maybe stop saying that, and you could quickly apologise and then ask her afterwards what was incorrect.  

    Generally I live by Thumpers rule -from Bambi I know, but if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. If you are unsure if it's a positive or not, then maybe hold it back, and ask your wife after if you could have said it? Then you'll get to know the kinds of things that are okay.

    Though I just got my diagnostic report back last week and it highlighted how bad I am in person at sociallising, so hopefully you'll get some more advice! ( I think I am much better at the written word as it allows greater time to process.)

  • I should add that this most recent time led to a prolonged period of heightened anxiety and under-eating: I've lost a good few lbs (not that my losing weight is necessarily a bad thing, but it is problematic when I just can't eat because of the anxiety, all of which seems to come from this problem.