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Disclosure of ASD in particular when dating

TheBlackSheep

I’m curious, 32 and diagnosed at 31. Have had many long term romantic relationships but always fell short.. obviously now I know why. Friendships I find are a lot easier because I’m very good at masking for shorter periods of time. I’m new to all this confusion but now feel that in most situations I must tell someone I have ASD. I don’t quite know why, if it’s because I don’t want to come across as weird or make the other person feel uncomfortable. If I tell I feel like I can ease off on the masking that just drains me and ultimately it’s not who I am. So to my question, is this common? Do others feel the same? And now thinking of dating again (have been on a few) I say but, should I? When’s right when’s wrong when I can mask very well is it fair on the other person?

This is my first ever post and I look forward to reading people’s responses and experiences. I am also very proud to be here and grateful there’s a community for us. 

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  • TheBlackSheep said:
    now feel that in most situations I must tell someone I have ASD.

    I would say this is a subject for after 5 or 6 dates - I've experienced so much uneducated stigma about this that I'm reluctant to disclose unless it looks like things are going to get serious.

    I will say that I "don't" do things like loud bars because I struggle to filter out conversations, or that I've never been great at articulating complicated emotions even though I do feel them. 

    This helps you choose your meeting grounds so you can be more authentic - quirky even and use your more natural personality to win the partner over. Because you are being reasonably authentic then the avoidance of a label such as autism means you are not lying to them.

    Certainly leave off masking as much as you can - this is a form of lying about what you really are in a way so it is a poor groundwork for a relationship. Only use it when you have to in order to avoid being pushed towards burnout or meltdown.

    That would be my advice.

  • in reply to Iain

    I do not see masking as a 'form of lying'. I see it as a necessary survival strategy, which eventually merges into one's personality, becoming an integral part of it.

  • in reply to Martin
    Martin said:
    I do not see masking as a 'form of lying'.

    We are exhibiting a behaviour that is not authentic to us so we are essentially being an actor for that situation.

    I guess you could use words like faking, acting, pretending or whatever instead - it is just semantics.

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  • in reply to Martin
    Martin said:
    Learned behaviour that becomes subconscious is not lying or any of its synonyms. If this were so, then players of musical instruments would be 'lying'.

    That would come under acting or pretending then - they may be playing Vivaldis Spring Concerti but they are not Vivaldi, nor are they the season of Spring.

    These people are acting music to put it in analogous terms, much as autists are acting like neurotypicals when they are inherently not them.

    It is a matter of what you label it is all I'm saying - the masker is not the thing they are masking as.

  • in reply to Martin

    perhaps it is not playing the instrument that is masking - it is what piece of music one plays and, if the music is composed by someone else, the manner in which one plays it?

  • in reply to Iain

    Learned behaviour that becomes subconscious is not lying or any of its synonyms. If this were so, then players of musical instruments would be 'lying'.