masking

Thinking about that, it's funny that I then find phone calls equally hard. Somehow not having a person to not look at is more stressful? Go figure! 

When I mask I do perfect eye contact and no stimming, I look normal but am exhausted after. I've discovered this year when I'm unmasked (not by choice but stress cracking the mask)  I don't talk to people I generally look about 90 degrees away from them at a wall or window and my leg bounces around like crazy.  The difference is so stark it's scary.

So I'll probably always have to mask to some degree, but I'm thinking if I can do something with my hands (like play with a fidget toy in my pocket) and give myself more breaks from eye contact maybe I can dial my anxiety down a bit. Hopefully this is a good way to do it (though not tried it yet).

Good for you.

For the first time ever, I tried a small experiment in a recent short term job. (Nothing much to lose). I decided to be my more natural, serious self. But don't rip the whole mask off at once. You've lived with it a long time. I still gave some smiles, joined in some laughs, put on a poker face when someone had been an absolute twonk. Prioritise phasing out the thing that made it most exhausting.

I found I felt a bit happier... not so fake, not so tired at the end of the day.

Hmmm...

Initially consider the circumstances when one might remove the mask.

You may also be unaware of what lies behind it and it can be messy to start with! 

You are not only removing it to other people but also yourself and that can be a little shocking and disorientating to start with.

Have fun discovering yourself, be kind to yourself and others along the way :-)

The first thing is to look up a list of masking traits, then consider which you might do. Then consider when and where you do them and how much energy the take or stress is involved.

T️he ones that are draining you you might want to consider first. You might want to keep some or all, but ration the energy they use.

If you have no issues then just carry on. There's no obligation to do anything. The issue may be the level of authenticity in some relationships, but that is a personal issue.

If you keep having burnouts or other issues, it would be wise to change something though, to try to avoid them.

It single biggest thing besides sleep, is giving yourself permission to not push so hard.

This is a bit how I am looking at it at the moment, its embedded in identity and 'fully' unmasking is just an idealogical state, pursuing it seems at odds with my mindfulness and self-care. Because it can push deeper into uncertainty, and I cannot ever really know how others see me. 

It would be nice if neurotypical people could meet somewhere in the middle please.

I came to the conclusion, after some rumination, that my masking/camouflaging was as much a part of me as my autism. I felt happier after this epiphany as the pressure I felt to 'unmask' was feeling onerous. I believe that unmasking can be useful for some, but not for me.

Masking is a survival response for us in many ways and to be able to sustain a non-masked presence will require you to either be very confident or to trust those around you not to judge.

There is a good NAS article about masking here:

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/behaviour/masking

I found it helps to try to observe yourself a bit in situations and try to identify the behaviours you exhibit in company that are not your natural state. These will be the masking behaviours so you can then try to conciously decide which you will not use and can slowly strip these away and be authentic.

It helps to remember that these behaviours were a learned response for a reason - and that is we are judged for behaving "oddly" or different to the social norm, so you can expect for people to pick up on this change in behaviour and either question you about it or change their behaviour towards you because of it.

I found there is a price to pay for unmasking in places like the workplace, so I chose when and where to unmask as a matter of safety.

I also chose what level of masking to adopt as sometimes it just is too much hassle to have people treating you like a danger to them if you are stimming away to yourself. It remains a safety feature to mask.

All that said, even a partial mask helps reduce the energy required so as that supermarket advert would say, "every little helps".