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Self-diagnosing in my mid 30s

emma90

Hi

I'm new to the community - I've been working with children and young adults on the spectrum now for about 8 years and year on year I feel like I've realised that I'm probably on the spectrum myself amd have been masking for as long as I can remember. I've recently had a bit of an emotional breakdown at work and I can't bring myself to go back in. I've tried to articulate what's been going on to my employer, but when I'm upset and anxious I don't think I do a very good job of it! It's taken all my energy to book an appointment with my GP in relation to my anxiety but I'm terrified of trying to explain to them how I'm feeling too. I had a similar issue about 10 years ago where everything just got to be too much. I couldn't leave the house, couldn't bring myself to do my own basic care. Eventually I saw my GP at the time who was totally dismissive of everything I said and told me I 'just need to get out the house, get a hobby and see some friends'. Which is the polar opposite of what my brain and body want to do even on a good day. That's stuck with me ever since when I've wanted to reach out for support because I tell myself that everyone will just dismiss me again. 

I just wondered what other people's experiences have been like when trying to get support. In regards to seeking an autism diagnosis or support with anxiety or depression. Should I be preparing what I need to tell my GP so I don't get flustered and forget everything? 

I think I just want to know I'm not alone in being totally terrified of the world right now! I'd love to hear people's pro-active and positive stories about reaching out to someone. :) 

Parents

  • If you overload yourself, don't allow enough rest, put yourself under too much pressure, mask too much, you get burnout or get close to it. You become more emotional, executive function problems occur, you are more tired, withdraw, start finding work too much, want to be on you own, can have dysfunctional thinking and cognitive distortions. If you ignore it too much it takes months, best part of a year, to get back out.

    I pushed too hard 4 years ago, the disruption of routines and removal of all normal life, plus the self imposed pressure of trying to carry on work like normal during COVID, caused a major problem. I ended up in a mess crying in front of the GP. It went nowhere, because I diminish my issues. They didn't even think I was depressed.

    So I sympathise with your GP response. I have had other GP issues that nearly killed me, caused me to require physio, gave me finger problems, etc.i don't present typically.

    It happened again last Christmas after 3 years of too much pressure. I did not know what was wrong with me. It seemed a bit like depression but wasn't. I went to a counsellor, then realised I needed something more, went to a clinical psychologist, who after 4 sessions convinced me it was ASD, then got a formal diagnosis from a consultant clinical psychologist, all private. I am currently talking to a counsellor who is experienced in trauma and ASD to help with expressing emotions, a consequence of emotional neglect, and have found poetry to be a very good vehicle to help me reconnect myself. Being vulnerable in person is hard though, even though I can write good emotions.

    I am fortunate as I have money, mostly because I prioritised it over having a life (a mal-adapted coping mechanism). Nothing would have happened if I had not paid for it. I masked too heavily.

    The reason to know if it is burnout v depression is the cures are opposites. One requires alone time, one requires socialising. Burnout requires rest, and reduced stimulation and stress, to allow your nervous system to reset.

    The biggest thing you can do is be kind to yourself. Slow down, do less, allow yourself to do less - don't feel guilty. Remove the pressure you put yourself under to keep going. Tell yourself you are doing your best and it's ok.

    Your AQ-50 results should get their attention. 32 and above is clinically significant.

    Make a note of your problems, in particular the fact it is interfering with work.

    Good luck.

  • in reply to Stuart333

    Hi Stuart

    Everything you said resonated with me so much. I'd heard of burning out just as a general phrase when you're overloaded at work, but before yesterday I'd never heard of autistic burnout. I assumed all my stress was work related pressure but actually, having this last week off work made me realise that was such a small factor. Just not having to make the effort to socialise 'correctly' or professionally has felt like such a huge relief. Not having to smile at everyone, make eye contact, following rules that don't make sense to me, feign enthusiasm for things I don't care about... I didnt realise just how exhausting pretending to be like everyone else was. 

    I'm reaching a point after a week now, where I think I needed this because now I'm recharging, and planning ahead for how to avoid this again! I'm so much more aware of myself and my needs than I was 10 years ago and I think this time I might be ready to advocate for myself.

    You sound so self-aware and pro-active in your journey. Thank you for sharing, it really is inspiring to me.

    Emma

  • in reply to emma90

    I have spent hundreds of hours thinking and analysing myself over the last few months. I have reams of output.  Basically I did what I should have done decades ago but was too scared to and didn't have the data for - I made myself a special interest and have forensically analysed everything. It is still a work in progress but I have discovered a lot and have been sharing some of my major items here.

    I questioned every thought and action I do, to see where they come from. Anything new or unexpected gets jumped on. I have looked at and monitored how I think very closely. It seems most people can't do this. The way my mind works is not typical.

    I have some more ideas I may share too.

Reply
  • in reply to emma90

    I have spent hundreds of hours thinking and analysing myself over the last few months. I have reams of output.  Basically I did what I should have done decades ago but was too scared to and didn't have the data for - I made myself a special interest and have forensically analysed everything. It is still a work in progress but I have discovered a lot and have been sharing some of my major items here.

    I questioned every thought and action I do, to see where they come from. Anything new or unexpected gets jumped on. I have looked at and monitored how I think very closely. It seems most people can't do this. The way my mind works is not typical.

    I have some more ideas I may share too.

Children
  • in reply to Stuart333

    I think I'm at the beginning of a very similar path! I've been trawling through websites and this forum today. I've got myself out a new notebook (and there's nothing more exhilarating than a fresh notebook) to make note of things I want to talk about with the GP, and also my employer when I return to work. 

    I feel like I used to feel when it was time to do a school project. Always used to be WW2 for me, only recently realised how fixated on it I was. Didn't matter what subject it was I always found a way to link it haha. 

    I'm excited to learn about who I am.