I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

Good morning NAS39135,

I’m pretty close to your age and have ADHD, anxiety, and depression on top of the ASD, so I think I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I’m not sure if I can help any, but I’ll try.

NAS39135 said:

I've been in and out of therapy for years since my teens.

A couple things to consider here: One, therapy doesn’t work for everyone. That doesn’t mean you are broken beyond repair, that just means therapy isn’t the right outlet for you. If it’s just that therapy isn’t right for you, you could always try mediation or yoga. That would at least require less socialization. However two, sometimes it’s best to keep trying different therapies and therapists until you find the right one. The best therapy I ever had was actually with an art therapist, so it was a little different than your usual talking therapy. 

NAS39135 said:

I have nothing I want to achieve in the future because my chances were screwed from when I was born

Now the thing with this is that yes, you can’t get rid of bad memories, terrible caregiving, or mistakes you have made. That’s going to stick with you. I recently had a family member disown me because of a mistake I made years ago. I can’t take that back or mend that relationship. However, you can make the choice to better your future in defiance against what your past has dealt you. Giving up is a choice, and one you’ll always regret. Keeping going and trying harder is something you might regret, but there’s at least a chance that you won’t.

And this is coming from someone that frequently wrestles with suicidal ideation due to mistakes. I know it’s not easy.

I feel like I've been through a lot of therapists, and having no luck. I am taking Duloxetine and have already had my dosage increased from 60mg to 120mg but I had to drop back to 60mg as it was making me really nauseous. I was supposed to have a follow up with the pharmacist to see how I was getting on but he kept on phoning me even though he knows I'm autistic and can't do them, so that hasn't happened. I dread going back because doctors always say I should answer calls regarding my mental health as it's important. But I can never do them. Last time I went they brought up therapy again, but all I do is talk and nothing changes. I do like the idea of art therapy though. 

I lost two important female role models. My mum wasn't emotionally available. She'd spend her time chasing men - some who weren't safe - rather than bothering with my needs, and those role models were worlds apart from her. One moved to Australia back in 2003 with her husband and newborn daughter. It destroyed me because how was it right she gets to go and I het to stay with someone who didn't even want me around? Then when she left, another female role model entered my life in the form of a support teacher. 

It was difficult at first because I didn't want to get attached to her. I was already struggling so much with one departure and couldn't face another, but she was persistent, and kept on trying to break down those barriers that I'd put up. Six months after my first role model left, I realised I'd been groomed (sexual abuse) by my brother's dad and had no idea. And I became dependent on the support from my second role model. She was my safe place, and my happy place too. Not surprising I became attached to her, really but I feel a lot of shame that I had to be that way. 

My first role model promised me nothing would change when she moved to Australia - only difference was she'd be on the other side of the world. But everything changed as I knew it would, and I've been angry with her ever since. We've remained in touch but she sees my grief as manipulative and negative (which she's not wrong, I suppose) 

But if I could find a way forward, I would. 

Hello.

You're right, a diagnosis does not fix the past, nor does it tell you what to do.

I read something about 6 months ago saying you can't look for others to fill a hole in you. It leads to dysfunctional relationships. You can look for friendship and people to talk to, but there are limits.

Emotional neglect is hard, it can wire you wrong and cause lots of problems later. ASD just magnifies it.

You can also get depressed. Depression steals the joy from life and makes everything not worth doing. ASD just makes it hard and scary to do things.

Therapy is not something that is done to you. It is not like having an operation and then you get better. It is something you do to yourself, they just guide you. It is hard, but the more you put in the more it can help. But it is really about understanding yourself, facing your fears, coming to terms with your past, and finding a way to forgive yourself, trust yourself, and allow you to be yourself.

Shame is probably the most destructive thing there is. It stops you talking, getting help, forgiving yourself and moving on.

You should try to let it go. You did your best. You are probably judging yourself too harshly. You may also be expecting too much, or perfection from yourself. You are allowed to make mistakes.

At the root of all this is probably a feeling you are not good enough, or not as good as you wanted to be or as good as others. This is not you. This the emotional problems. You are as good, probably better than others, you just have this ball you are dragging around. 

You don't need someone to copy. You just need the confidence to be you. You might need some help, but support is different. You might want to think about what you are really looking to a role model for.

So, how to move forward. While you think about all this, find one thing you can be in control of. A plant, making a room nice, something achievable you can do without help. And treat yourself like someone you care for.

So I stumbled upon this Self-Discovery Tarot Journal years ago and I have been doing these prompts with my standard deck. 

The third one I have just done was really interesting, and wanted to share it. 

The first prompt was "My Obstacles" which was the Three of Cups (joy, celebration, community, friendship, etc), and prompt two was "Allow Me To" which was The Hermit (introspection, solitude, wisdom, insight) 

Now, this is relevant to me because I don't see the point in socialising - A) because I always feel forced to communicate and be happy and B) in always feel like an outsider, that I don't belong in/to that group. I don't feel included in a lot of things, so this is definitely my obstacle.

And not being social allows me to soak up wisdom from those who aren't in the limelight. I listen to podcasts sometimes but do find myself getting sad that those people are able to have a simple conversation where I can't and won't ever be that interesting to share a story anywhere 

Because I drew the Hermit card, I pulled out The Year of the Hermit guided journal to which the question was - What Parts of Me Need to be Illuminated? And I pulled the card the Four of Wands. 

Huh! 

Which coincidentally is another card about joy, community, homecoming, and celebration. I don't celebrate my achievements because i don't want to become egotistical. I don't wish to het ahead of myself just because I did something. I am not saying this is the case for anyone but it is how I see myself if I do celebrate. I don't want connection, either but this card says I do. Tarot cards aren't always right, I know. But I just think it is a weird coincidence is all. 

 Stuart333 Yes, I do fit the criteria of Childhood Emotional Neglect. It's possible that I'm numb but whether it's from that, grief or burnout it's hard to tell. 

NAS39135 said:

maybe because I know I'm not fit to be around anyone, too scared to get attached and screw things up. 

How do you know this?

Why will you screw things up?

Are you really sure? What is the evidence?

What if you don't?

Look up childhood emotional neglect and see if it matches you. If it does, then think about what that means. It's not you, its the program you were taught to run. It can change.

I can't tell you what to do, I'm not qualified etc. but try to find something you are good at. Build up.your self esteem. Could be cooking, gardening, art, writing, woodwork, constructing things, chess, DIY, photography, maths, do a course, anything. Something you can do and feel proud about. It does not have to be perfect. It is not to get praise from others, it is for you. If it is good praise will come anyway, but it is your thing. Don't show anyone if you don't want to.

Note that depression and suppressed trauma can make you numb, so can burn out, masking etc. 

I had parents who…..well it’s too much to go into but essentially it left me feeling terrible about myself and feeling unlovable and especially unlikeable. I met my husband and he was very expressive about how much he loved me - and even then I always doubted it. I think it’s important to maintain that awareness of WHY we feel this way - our first caregivers have an incredibly strong influence on how we see ourselves - but it’s important to keep reminding ourselves that they were totally ***ed up people and their opinion of us was NEVER true, never accurate. They were probably messed up by their parents - and just didn’t have the capacity to love and parent as they should have done. But we can break the cycle. Don’t believe their perception of you - trust your husband’s perception and your children’s - and also remind yourself of who you know you truly are deep down. You deserve love - you’ve had a tough time and you deserve to be loved and to live yourself, and to be kind to yourself. You can do this. Essentially you need to build new mental habits, new neural pathways that replace the negative influence of the people in your life who damaged you. 

I had parents who…..well it’s too much to go into but essentially it left me feeling terrible about myself and feeling unlovable and especially unlikeable. I met my husband and he was very expressive about how much he loved me - and even then I always doubted it. I think it’s important to maintain that awareness of WHY we feel this way - our first caregivers have an incredibly strong influence on how we see ourselves - but it’s important to keep reminding ourselves that they were totally ***ed up people and their opinion of us was NEVER true, never accurate. They were probably messed up by their parents - and just didn’t have the capacity to love and parent as they should have done. But we can break the cycle. Don’t believe their perception of you - trust your husband’s perception and your children’s - and also remind yourself of who you know you truly are deep down. You deserve love - you’ve had a tough time and you deserve to be loved and to live yourself, and to be kind to yourself. You can do this. Essentially you need to build new mental habits, new neural pathways that replace the negative influence of the people in your life who damaged you.