I Don't Know What To Do Anymore

Good morning NAS39135,

I’m pretty close to your age and have ADHD, anxiety, and depression on top of the ASD, so I think I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I’m not sure if I can help any, but I’ll try.

NAS39135 said:

I've been in and out of therapy for years since my teens.

A couple things to consider here: One, therapy doesn’t work for everyone. That doesn’t mean you are broken beyond repair, that just means therapy isn’t the right outlet for you. If it’s just that therapy isn’t right for you, you could always try mediation or yoga. That would at least require less socialization. However two, sometimes it’s best to keep trying different therapies and therapists until you find the right one. The best therapy I ever had was actually with an art therapist, so it was a little different than your usual talking therapy. 

NAS39135 said:

I have nothing I want to achieve in the future because my chances were screwed from when I was born

Now the thing with this is that yes, you can’t get rid of bad memories, terrible caregiving, or mistakes you have made. That’s going to stick with you. I recently had a family member disown me because of a mistake I made years ago. I can’t take that back or mend that relationship. However, you can make the choice to better your future in defiance against what your past has dealt you. Giving up is a choice, and one you’ll always regret. Keeping going and trying harder is something you might regret, but there’s at least a chance that you won’t.

And this is coming from someone that frequently wrestles with suicidal ideation due to mistakes. I know it’s not easy.

Good morning NAS39135,

I’m pretty close to your age and have ADHD, anxiety, and depression on top of the ASD, so I think I can relate to a lot of what you’re saying. I’m not sure if I can help any, but I’ll try.

NAS39135 said:

I've been in and out of therapy for years since my teens.

A couple things to consider here: One, therapy doesn’t work for everyone. That doesn’t mean you are broken beyond repair, that just means therapy isn’t the right outlet for you. If it’s just that therapy isn’t right for you, you could always try mediation or yoga. That would at least require less socialization. However two, sometimes it’s best to keep trying different therapies and therapists until you find the right one. The best therapy I ever had was actually with an art therapist, so it was a little different than your usual talking therapy. 

NAS39135 said:

I have nothing I want to achieve in the future because my chances were screwed from when I was born

Now the thing with this is that yes, you can’t get rid of bad memories, terrible caregiving, or mistakes you have made. That’s going to stick with you. I recently had a family member disown me because of a mistake I made years ago. I can’t take that back or mend that relationship. However, you can make the choice to better your future in defiance against what your past has dealt you. Giving up is a choice, and one you’ll always regret. Keeping going and trying harder is something you might regret, but there’s at least a chance that you won’t.

And this is coming from someone that frequently wrestles with suicidal ideation due to mistakes. I know it’s not easy.

I feel like I've been through a lot of therapists, and having no luck. I am taking Duloxetine and have already had my dosage increased from 60mg to 120mg but I had to drop back to 60mg as it was making me really nauseous. I was supposed to have a follow up with the pharmacist to see how I was getting on but he kept on phoning me even though he knows I'm autistic and can't do them, so that hasn't happened. I dread going back because doctors always say I should answer calls regarding my mental health as it's important. But I can never do them. Last time I went they brought up therapy again, but all I do is talk and nothing changes. I do like the idea of art therapy though. 

I lost two important female role models. My mum wasn't emotionally available. She'd spend her time chasing men - some who weren't safe - rather than bothering with my needs, and those role models were worlds apart from her. One moved to Australia back in 2003 with her husband and newborn daughter. It destroyed me because how was it right she gets to go and I het to stay with someone who didn't even want me around? Then when she left, another female role model entered my life in the form of a support teacher. 

It was difficult at first because I didn't want to get attached to her. I was already struggling so much with one departure and couldn't face another, but she was persistent, and kept on trying to break down those barriers that I'd put up. Six months after my first role model left, I realised I'd been groomed (sexual abuse) by my brother's dad and had no idea. And I became dependent on the support from my second role model. She was my safe place, and my happy place too. Not surprising I became attached to her, really but I feel a lot of shame that I had to be that way. 

My first role model promised me nothing would change when she moved to Australia - only difference was she'd be on the other side of the world. But everything changed as I knew it would, and I've been angry with her ever since. We've remained in touch but she sees my grief as manipulative and negative (which she's not wrong, I suppose) 

But if I could find a way forward, I would.