I feel useless
Another day of doing nothing but sitting trapped with my thoughts, anxiety, depression, loneliness and guilt. It’s eating me alive. I feel completely useless.
I can’t leave the house without crippling anxiety. I can’t be in any social or work environment without anxiety and panic taking over me.
I can’t talk to other people, not properly, not a proper conversation with a friend, without alcohol.
I feel like I’m constantly letting people down. My family. Friends. I say no to everything. I cancel everything. I can’t bare the responsibility of things.
I feel so ashamed of how I’ve ended up. I lie to family about why I don’t have a job. I lie saying I’ve looked. I lie saying I’m doing certain jobs. They won’t understand. I don’t even care if they will judge me or think I’m being lazy or making things up. I can’t physically say the words.
They think I sit around at home all day having the time of my life. It’s not that simple. I’m wracked with guilt and shame and embarrassment and grief over what could have been. How I could have been if I wasn’t autistic.
I don’t know what to do.
