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I feel useless - rant

Ems

I feel useless


Another day of doing nothing but sitting trapped with my thoughts, anxiety, depression, loneliness and guilt. It’s eating me alive. I feel completely useless.

I can’t leave the house without crippling anxiety. I can’t be in any social or work environment without anxiety and panic taking over me.

I can’t talk to other people, not properly, not a proper conversation with a friend, without alcohol.

I feel like I’m constantly letting people down. My family. Friends. I say no to everything. I cancel everything. I can’t bare the responsibility of things.

I feel so ashamed of how I’ve ended up. I lie to family about why I don’t have a job. I lie saying I’ve looked. I lie saying I’m doing certain jobs. They won’t understand. I don’t even care if they will judge me or think I’m being lazy or making things up. I can’t physically say the words.

They think I sit around at home all day having the time of my life. It’s not that simple. I’m wracked with guilt and shame and embarrassment and grief over what could have been. How I could have been if I wasn’t autistic.

I don’t know what to do.

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  • I feel similar. Sad, low in energy and barely going outside. Also avoiding describing my life at all.

    One reason why I value this forum is that at least I realise others are unfairly treated and misunderstood as well. Sounds bad I guess, but it is mildly comforting: I am not crazy, and it is not just me feeling this bad.

    I think I have suffered much more than most people that know me, to let their judgements fall over me like rain. It is fair to think about your actions, but account for your differences, for your suffering, mental and physical health.

    I ended up sometimes craving to be someone else, blaming myself and being dangerously close to give up.

    Not because I hate myself (deep down I like being who I am) but because pressures are very high to be just like everybody else. To cope for either work or being social etc.

    But I need to understand why I am so broken first, to then recover my health. And many are so blind to it, but then again, most havent gotten this bad and it is hard to be empathetic.

    What has helped me so far, is dedicating my time to something I like. Trying to do it as much as possible. In my case it is writing programs.

    Many times without eating nearly at all, sometimes with little sleep or crazy nightmares where people hate me, but that is my hope: stick to what I love, and where I feel safer. Sometimes I dont want to do even that (programming). Those are quite bad days.

    But maybe you can also stick to something you enjoy, and feel welcome and not judged here.

  • in reply to Deleted User

    Yes! It’s not that we rejoice in others’ suffering; there is comfort in shared experiences.

    A formal definition of ‘comforting’ is ‘inspiriting’. It feels like a good definition of what this forum means to me.

  • in reply to ArchaeC

    Thanks for gifting me a new word :-)

    I think it applies better as well.

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