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I feel useless - rant

Ems

I feel useless


Another day of doing nothing but sitting trapped with my thoughts, anxiety, depression, loneliness and guilt. It’s eating me alive. I feel completely useless.

I can’t leave the house without crippling anxiety. I can’t be in any social or work environment without anxiety and panic taking over me.

I can’t talk to other people, not properly, not a proper conversation with a friend, without alcohol.

I feel like I’m constantly letting people down. My family. Friends. I say no to everything. I cancel everything. I can’t bare the responsibility of things.

I feel so ashamed of how I’ve ended up. I lie to family about why I don’t have a job. I lie saying I’ve looked. I lie saying I’m doing certain jobs. They won’t understand. I don’t even care if they will judge me or think I’m being lazy or making things up. I can’t physically say the words.

They think I sit around at home all day having the time of my life. It’s not that simple. I’m wracked with guilt and shame and embarrassment and grief over what could have been. How I could have been if I wasn’t autistic.

I don’t know what to do.

Parents

  • I have had similar feelings and experiences to some of yours, these days not so much, especially since my ASD diagnosis last December because it explained so much of why I struggled. This forum helped too, and although we may have had diverse experiences, most people here are autistic and would wish the best for you, because we we understand some of your feelings.

    It’s common here, and natural to think about what might have been if you hadn’t been born autistic. I am hoping you aren’t beating yourself up over something you have no control over, but I understand why you think about it. 

    I can’t add anything further to others’ comments and advice. 

Reply

  • I have had similar feelings and experiences to some of yours, these days not so much, especially since my ASD diagnosis last December because it explained so much of why I struggled. This forum helped too, and although we may have had diverse experiences, most people here are autistic and would wish the best for you, because we we understand some of your feelings.

    It’s common here, and natural to think about what might have been if you hadn’t been born autistic. I am hoping you aren’t beating yourself up over something you have no control over, but I understand why you think about it. 

    I can’t add anything further to others’ comments and advice. 

Children
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