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I feel useless - rant

Ems

I feel useless


Another day of doing nothing but sitting trapped with my thoughts, anxiety, depression, loneliness and guilt. It’s eating me alive. I feel completely useless.

I can’t leave the house without crippling anxiety. I can’t be in any social or work environment without anxiety and panic taking over me.

I can’t talk to other people, not properly, not a proper conversation with a friend, without alcohol.

I feel like I’m constantly letting people down. My family. Friends. I say no to everything. I cancel everything. I can’t bare the responsibility of things.

I feel so ashamed of how I’ve ended up. I lie to family about why I don’t have a job. I lie saying I’ve looked. I lie saying I’m doing certain jobs. They won’t understand. I don’t even care if they will judge me or think I’m being lazy or making things up. I can’t physically say the words.

They think I sit around at home all day having the time of my life. It’s not that simple. I’m wracked with guilt and shame and embarrassment and grief over what could have been. How I could have been if I wasn’t autistic.

I don’t know what to do.

Parents

  • I am 32, I have cerebral palsy, I have been working with a personal trainer for 6-7 months and today I took a massive step in fixing my disability. I am actually elite at finding the right support I need, once I have gotten away from my *** parents and rebuilt my relationship with my extended family members. 

    I felt like you for about 20 years. It just takes time,10 years ago I passed my driving test, start seeing a therapist with my benefit money, meet another autistic therapist. It takes time to rebuild yourself. And through all that I didn't know I was autistic because I didn't socialize enough with people, just sat in my room. But now I have just laid to rest the disability which my parents used to keep me dependent on them. 

    You can do it too. Why do you have to talk to people? Why do you have to get a job? Why can't you just be on your own and autistic for a bit, stop putting needless pressure on your inner self, tell them you love them and that you are trying to help them. You don't feel safe in yourself to talk to people, to get a job. That isn't your autism, that you not feeling able to be kind to yourself. 

Reply

  • I am 32, I have cerebral palsy, I have been working with a personal trainer for 6-7 months and today I took a massive step in fixing my disability. I am actually elite at finding the right support I need, once I have gotten away from my *** parents and rebuilt my relationship with my extended family members. 

    I felt like you for about 20 years. It just takes time,10 years ago I passed my driving test, start seeing a therapist with my benefit money, meet another autistic therapist. It takes time to rebuild yourself. And through all that I didn't know I was autistic because I didn't socialize enough with people, just sat in my room. But now I have just laid to rest the disability which my parents used to keep me dependent on them. 

    You can do it too. Why do you have to talk to people? Why do you have to get a job? Why can't you just be on your own and autistic for a bit, stop putting needless pressure on your inner self, tell them you love them and that you are trying to help them. You don't feel safe in yourself to talk to people, to get a job. That isn't your autism, that you not feeling able to be kind to yourself. 

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