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I feel useless - rant

Ems

I feel useless


Another day of doing nothing but sitting trapped with my thoughts, anxiety, depression, loneliness and guilt. It’s eating me alive. I feel completely useless.

I can’t leave the house without crippling anxiety. I can’t be in any social or work environment without anxiety and panic taking over me.

I can’t talk to other people, not properly, not a proper conversation with a friend, without alcohol.

I feel like I’m constantly letting people down. My family. Friends. I say no to everything. I cancel everything. I can’t bare the responsibility of things.

I feel so ashamed of how I’ve ended up. I lie to family about why I don’t have a job. I lie saying I’ve looked. I lie saying I’m doing certain jobs. They won’t understand. I don’t even care if they will judge me or think I’m being lazy or making things up. I can’t physically say the words.

They think I sit around at home all day having the time of my life. It’s not that simple. I’m wracked with guilt and shame and embarrassment and grief over what could have been. How I could have been if I wasn’t autistic.

I don’t know what to do.

Parents

  • Hi, I feel like I can relate. I'm not sure how much help I can be to you, but I really feel like finding things that make me feel like me really help. A hobby like crafts, singing, watching your favourite show, something that brings a smile to your face. Concentrating on any positives you can is always good and once you start to get positive feelings, you get positive thoughts and that is how you gain confidence. It's all about putting one food in front of the other. I know it's easier said than done and I'm still fighting a battle myself but I just wanted to really say that being kinder to yourself is really important.  

Reply

  • Hi, I feel like I can relate. I'm not sure how much help I can be to you, but I really feel like finding things that make me feel like me really help. A hobby like crafts, singing, watching your favourite show, something that brings a smile to your face. Concentrating on any positives you can is always good and once you start to get positive feelings, you get positive thoughts and that is how you gain confidence. It's all about putting one food in front of the other. I know it's easier said than done and I'm still fighting a battle myself but I just wanted to really say that being kinder to yourself is really important.  

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