I probably could not have done the jobs I did and not had the money and experiences I have. But it has come at a cost: isolation (living on own for decades, no social life), confusion, burnouts, healthcare issues, significant mental pain, problems with emotions, fragmented sleep, desire for alcohol (mostly resisted), etc. The unacknowledged stress has even affected my eyes (CSR).
It has been a 57 year endurance test that I have tried to make the best of. From the outside I've made sure it looks fine (masking), but my subjective experience has been compromised.
It has been a cerebral rather than emotional existence. I never understood the purpose of emotions when 17, I think I do now.
If the knowledge that is now available was around 40 years ago, things could have been different. I've been able to hide things rather too well and been unfortunate.
I wish things had been different, but hating it goes nowhere. I've been deeply upset since finding out. Dealing with somewhat overwhelming grief has been hard.
But I hope to get through it. I have significant oscillations, periods of hope and despair, which apparently may be a good sign and shows I am processing memories and balancing my nervous system.
The challenge is to live in the moment, think less and feel more, enjoy what you can, all the small things, and plan, not dream, of the future. I have realised it is not black and white, it is not about the destination, but the journey.
