Hi, everyone!
This is my first time actually posting instead of replying to other posts, so forgive me if I'm posting this in the wrong category or something. For context throughout this post, I am 21, I have inattentive type ADHD (which I am on medication for), ASD, Dyspraxia and (Mild) Cerebral Palsy.
I feel like I am really struggling (and always have been struggling) in many areas of my life, most of which could be a byproduct of AuDHD (or rather being AuDHD in a world which seems to be very intolerant or unaccommodating). I have been back in the UK for almost 2 years now, and from the moment I landed, I have been trying to find a job, it seems like no matter how many jobs i apply to, no matter how many times I edit and change my CV, no matter how much research I do into the company and how much rapport I build with the inteviewer, I get nothing. Either they do not reply to me, I get outright rejected, or if by the grace of god i manage to actually land an interview, even if by all accounts it seems to be going well, I don't pass. Most recently, I went to an interview in which I was very prepared, very communicative, actually managed to hold eye contact and give confident answers to questions, I felt that me and the manager I had been talking to had a pretty good rapport, even shared laughter which seemed to be a good sign, i was told that I should hear back from them within the next week as to the results of my inteview. I walked out of the interview, left the store, and before I had even left the car park, I got a rejection email. And I go through a similar experience with every interview I have landed (which there haven't been many), regardless of whether I say that I am disabled on the application or not. Not to mention that I am physically limited to the type of work I can do.
To at least offer some sense of comfort, I am currently on Universal Credit but that only goes so far, I tried to apply of PIP but I haven't been In the UK long enough to be approved for it (despite the fact I am a British citizen, had been living in the EU temporatily with my dad who maintained a UK based job and was tax resident in the UK as well, which if I remember correctly, on the .GOV website, it says they can make allowances for people who were living in an EU country). I even tried to go through the WCA/UC50 route through UC, but ever since I have filled out and sent off the form they gave me in June, I've heard absolutely nothing back. So I'm not really sure what I'm meant to do in terms of employment or earning.
Even then, just normal living, maintaining healthy routines, completing household tasks or even simple things like remembering to eat, is exhausting and a struggle. I already had Coordination, mobility issues and physical fatigue, now to find out that the exhaustion is only amplified further (and has been my whole life without anyone ever knowing that) by AuDHD, I am quite worried that even if I find a job, it won't be long until I'm fired or have to quit.
On top of that, I really struggle to make and keep friendships and relationships. I have two really close friends, but I don't really get to see them as one lives abroad and the other lives on the other end of the country. They have been the only people to stay with me throughout my life and I'm deeply appreciative of them. But everyone besides them never really sticks around. I've always felt really alienated and outcasted, even from childhood, even pitied. It's extremely difficult and rare that I feel a connection with someone. And even in those rare cases, it tends to be short-lived. I've always worn my heart on my sleeve, meant what I say, and when I do connect with someone, it tends to feel very deep and intense, so naturally, when they leave, it's devastating.
The same applies to romantic relationships; I don't really feel attracted to people in the typical sense. The closest thing I've found to describe it is "Demiromantic/Demisexual". It always happens in the same sort of way, too. We connect, there is a lot of chemistry, shared humour and values, talking feels natural and stress-free, in some cases, the hypervigilance I feel on a day-to-day basis seems to dissipate. For all Intents and purposes, things are going well. And then abruptly, it ends. I've been told that I come across as too intense, or too invested too soon, or that the lack of a social circle concerns them. And that we are better off as friends. And it always hurts because they would tell me the same things I would tell them, and I mean what I say when I say it, not just "in the moment". I also feel like connections and attraction don't fade away or compartmentalise for me. If someone leaves and then comes back, say a year later, I will feel that connection rekindled with the same amount of intensity. I don't really "lose feelings" like others do, it's just stored away until (if) they return. Which also makes it really hard to move on, to get over heartbreak and even hesitant to try again with other people. I want connection and safety, and also to give that to someone else as well. But it just kind of feels like It' just isn't in the cards for me, no matter how hard I try or what I do differently.
I feel trapped, stuck, exhausted and entirely alone.
Anyways, If you made it this far, thanks for reading, and I hope all is well, friends.
