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Coping at work with unkindness

mrs.snooks

So it is Sunday night and once again, I am sitting here dreading going back to work tomorrow. A fair amount of the time when I am not at work, I end up worrying about being there. I can't keep my worries away from me.

It's not so much the work. It is the people and how they treat me. So my question is how to keep working even when your colleagues and line-manager treat you unkindly. They judge me by being different and treat me differently to each other. It is really hard to cope with and I am very unhappy there most of the time.

I have got in a place when I am strongly worried that it is me. That even if I go somewhere else, the same problems will just follow me there. I know that I don't do the chatting that they do, but I'd just like to be accepted as being different. When in fact, I just feel defective.

I could list the instances which have upset me: the gaslighting, the being left out, the being treated with contempt, the not being listened too. I am so trying to be a 'good' team player. But it feels like they just find me irritating and would much prefer if I wasn't even there at all.

I feel kinda helpless and hopeless. Any advice gratefully received.

  • in reply to Iain
    Iain said:
    We are the grit in the oyster that causes them irritation, but treated properly we can become as valuable as a pearl.

    Great metaphor to keep telling yourself.

  • I recall that feeling of being true to who you are yet wanting to fit in and be accepted within your work team.

    I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through and I hope either the situation improves or you move on and find a team that value and accept you for your differences.

    In my opinion there will always be negative and unkind people that will use these subtle bullying tactics.

    We can't control their behaviour but we can choose to control how we react and how we allow it to affect us.

    The best advice would be to only communicate with these unkind people for work purposes when necessary and to focus on your work. 

    Keeping a positive mindset even when surrounded by negativity is a lifelong practice but facing this situation will only make you more resilient.

    Perhaps try some things at home that promotes peace of mind like your hobbies or yoga/breathing techniques.

    Remember: Don't let their unkind nature chip away at your identity. 

    I wish you all the best.

  • That sounds like a ghastly situation. The only thing I can suggest is to make a list of potential scenarios/options, and beneath each make two columns headed ‘best possible outcome’ and ‘worst possible outcome’. It could go something like this:

    1. Request a meeting with line-manager and ask/tell/warn them ….

       Best Outcome                                    Worst Outcome

       _________________                         _________________

       _________________                         _________________

       _________________                        __________________

    2. Educate your colleagues through the distribution of ASD leaflets/web links…

        ————————-                           —————————

    And so on…

    More scenarios could include getting a new job (which you have mentioned); not doing anything; going higher up than your line-manager, receive counselling; and getting legal advice.

    I don’t think anybody should be spending Sunday night worrying about their coming working week. I hope you can get the situation resolved soon.

    ‘

  • I'm sorry you are feeling so down over the situation. It is a common situation for us autists but I'll tell you how I have approached it.

    mrs.snooks said:
    A fair amount of the time when I am not at work, I end up worrying about being there. I can't keep my worries away from me.

    Learning to compartmentalise work and outside of work is a great way to do this. It will probably take a professional like a good therapist to teach you the techniques but they start with learning to shut down thr thought processes that begin uninvited by diverting to think about something else until you get sufficiently distracted.

    You can also create little routines to get into and out of the zone of thinking about work, whether going through your to-do list for the day before getting there, checking your calendar so you know what is coming up, having your own little mantras or whatever.

    This signal to your brain that it is now ok to think about work.

    mrs.snooks said:
    It is the people and how they treat me.

    Learn the skill of not caring. Again it takes a good teacher like a therapist and probably something like mindfulness to work out when care is deserved but you basically weigh up the need to worry and if it isn't worth it, you mentally cancel their opinions and influence on you.

    mrs.snooks said:
    it feels like they just find me irritating and would much prefer if I wasn't even there at all.

    That is it in a nutshell. We are the grit in the oyster that causes them irritation, but treated properly we can become as valuable as a pearl.

    It helps to understand that we are uncomfortable for them but that is really their issue. Learning to not care about them and not be bothered to be around them socially really helps.

    A lot of this comes down to self confidence - you don't need their validation. Treat them as a necessary evil in the hours you work and cut them out of your thoughts in your own time.

    That was my toolbox to survive and it kept me going for the 20 odd years I was using it. The 12 years before it were a different kind of hell but were what drove me to learn the skills long before my diagnosis.