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An inherent “selfishness” of autism?

aurelis

Maybe it’s just me. But for me, I’ve found that my autism has a selfishness whereby I don’t understand how things I do or say affect others. Maybe “selfishness” is want for a better word.

Not understanding people’s frustrations. So for example, mine is taking my time to get back to people, or thinking that people operate around the time I have mentally in my head. This is not intentional necessarily, although I’ve been more aware of it.

i noticed this today with my therapist saying they can’t keep chasing me up for a time for the next session. I take a long time to decide the time and date and obviously it’s important for them to know. I always feel awful when I realise that I had a lack of communication that causes upset to other people, because I often don’t realise how it affects others. 

I do this sometimes with messaging people late at night (some people get funny with this) or crossing boundaries I didn’t realise to cross. Then you learn about it if they say, or you get used to adjusting to the subtle hints that are said, and feel really bad, take it to heart, and try to be better.

something I also was aware of was making promises to people please, but also doing it because I genuinely imagined it was in my capacity to do so. Now I’m trying to hold back my words because it’s not healthy to lead people on in this way and think that because I’ve adjusted it in my mind of the promise, I think the other person has too.

Its weird, the best thing I could do, in the case of my therapist, is not read the message as angry, but read it as that they need to know for their plans, and try my best to be aware that people have other lives and need to know things. And also to try and write down things I said I’d commit to so if things change I can ensure it’s followed up on. I can’t trust my brain alone. It’s really hard to genuinely see things from others perspective sometimes.

does anyone else relate to this. Sorry I might just be rambling again

Parents
  • aurelis said:
    It’s really hard to genuinely see things from others perspective sometimes

    That is true, and it goes both ways - non autistic people can find it hard to understand the perspective of an autistic person - it's known as the double empathy problem.

    Damojo is correct that "aut" is from the Greek Autos meaning self, but "ism" has several meanings, one of which is a state a of being. So I like to think of autism as meaning a state of being oneself. Sometimes.that means we don't think of another person's feelings before speaking or doing something, but if we upset someone it's not intentional - unlike some people, who do understand how people feel but do or say things that upset them anyway, for their own reasons, or just because they don't care.

    Yes, autism can make us self absorbed sometimes, but many famous autistic people who have helped mankind progress have been self absorbed, in order to focus on their creativity and to invent stuff. It can have positive as well as negative results.

    aurelis said:
    try my best to be aware that people have other lives and need to know things

    That is a great idea, and shows that you consider others. I have found that it's good practice to stop and try to think of what the other person needs, and to think of the best way to communicate with them to keep them "in the loop". It takes time to learn these strategies, but you're doing well.

Reply
  • aurelis said:
    It’s really hard to genuinely see things from others perspective sometimes

    That is true, and it goes both ways - non autistic people can find it hard to understand the perspective of an autistic person - it's known as the double empathy problem.

    Damojo is correct that "aut" is from the Greek Autos meaning self, but "ism" has several meanings, one of which is a state a of being. So I like to think of autism as meaning a state of being oneself. Sometimes.that means we don't think of another person's feelings before speaking or doing something, but if we upset someone it's not intentional - unlike some people, who do understand how people feel but do or say things that upset them anyway, for their own reasons, or just because they don't care.

    Yes, autism can make us self absorbed sometimes, but many famous autistic people who have helped mankind progress have been self absorbed, in order to focus on their creativity and to invent stuff. It can have positive as well as negative results.

    aurelis said:
    try my best to be aware that people have other lives and need to know things

    That is a great idea, and shows that you consider others. I have found that it's good practice to stop and try to think of what the other person needs, and to think of the best way to communicate with them to keep them "in the loop". It takes time to learn these strategies, but you're doing well.

Children
  • in reply to Lotus

    Thank you! I really struggle with feeling self-absorbed, and I look back on when I was a kid and wish I was less 'self-absorbed', but I wouldn't even know how to do that. I think people pleasing has been a way of trying to adjust to what I think people want, but it comes with little compromise to work things out.

    Thanks for explaining the double empathy problem. I had not understood that phrase and had heard it been thrown around a fair bit .